How to inform doctor or other helper without upsetting adult child

[Preamble]

Hi Everyone
Could I get some help with words?  I want to create something I can hand to a doctor, or other helper, to explain that my adult child, sitting in the room with us, has no documentation for their diagnosis etc, because their other parent will not provide it and I don't want to be pushed into pointless contact with them. 

Some doctors don't like it if patients use medical or psychological terms, and I haven't met this doctor before, so I hesitate to write "undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder"

Thank you for reading.

[Leonor]

Hi Preamble,

I'm sorry for your distress, but if your child is an adult, you do not have the right to interfere in his/her medical decisions, treatments, conversations with medical professionals (or lack thereof.)

Not only would slipping a note to a physician be completely out of bounds ethically, if you're in the States it's against the law (HIPAA) for a medical professional, or anyone authorized to handle your adult child's medical records, including insurance agents, to disclose anything to you.

Even if your child was actually a child, it's not up to you to diagnose him or her, let alone try to "warn" others about him or her. If you had concerns, you might have a lone consult with a pediatrician or child psychologist to discuss avenues of support, but even then you might not be permitted to be present with her.

This may be painful, but the other parent is not obligated to release or hand anything over to you, and you are obligated to respect your adult child's privacy.

I believe you may find more support in the forum for parents of disordered children, since this forum is usually dedicated to adult children who struggle with disordered parents.

I wish you wellness.

[Preamble]

Thank you for your concern Leonor but I have no choice about acting for my adult child, although I don't want to go into more detail, and it is not a legal problem for me to do so.

I can see how my post could have been read the wrong way and I am sorry about that. There isn't any question of my warning others against my child who is very nice.  My child has been formally diagnosed with something, but their other parent, uNPD, is acting as an information silo while still wanting me to become caregiver.  This is not about "revealing an NPD diagnosis to someone's doctor" and I can see why that would sound horrifying.

I am thinking there must be people here who have experience with needing to explain, why some actions (eg getting documents) are just not possible with their own disordered parent.  People from normal backgrounds just do not understand it.

[Rose1]

One of the things often said is to discuss behaviours rather than diagnosis.
Ie communication with the other party is not possible because of a long history of emotional abuse that I am no  longer willing to endure.
Is it possible to make a.separate appointment to evaluate the doctor?
Some doctors don't mind this at all. Just trying to get to know your specialties and interests etc to see if you would be a good fit with my disabled son who has issues with communication etc etc.

It's worked for me a couple of times.

[Srcyu]

Hi,
Something along the lines of - 'Documentation is currently being withheld by the other parent. Adult child (name) could be showing signs of (your choice of description). Your opinion would be appreciated.'
It needs to be brief doesn't it? And like you say, some doctors don't like it if you try to appear too knowledgable up front.

[Starboard Song]

Preamble, I like Windmill's suggestion and would work from there.

'Adult child (name) may be showing signs of (your choice of description), but we have no written diagnosis. Documentation for that diagnosis is currently being withheld by his father, from whom we are estranged.'

I like that sort of construction.

I accept that you have a complex situation and an important need to assist your adult child in communications about the lack of diagnosis and what not: that you are not trying to out your adult child, for instance. This is a terrible dilemma you have, and I am so sorry you face it.

[Associate of Daniel]

Can you request that your (adult) child's medical records be transferred to the gp that they'll be seeing now that they live with you?

My UNPD exH had our ds's (still a child at the time) records transferred by completing a form.  It was all very easy.

Perhaps you could explain to your child that it would make it easier to have the records transferred.  He/she could fill out the forms themself, perhaps giving them a sense of control/importance.

AOD

[Preamble]

Thank you all for the suggestions and the kind words, your support means a lot to me.  We know, don't we? 

There is a form for transferring medical records, but we need to know the name of the doctor or clinic.   I don't think my child knows.

[xredshoesx]

when we get communications from our health insurance i see our dr's name on the information.  is this something you have access too?

[Preamble]

xredshoesx thank you, I will look everywhere and see if there are clues

[xredshoesx]

also preamble let me make sure i understand your situation correctly- this is an adult child who may not able to make medical decisions for themselves for whatever reason, correct?

i had to get power of attorney for my grandmother to get her medical information/ make medical decisions.

[Leonor]

Hi Preamble,

My deep apologies, I am sorry for misreading your post and then responding from that misunderstanding.

I misunderstood that you and your spouse were sitting in your house with an independent, adult daughter visiting (or living with you temporarily) whom you suspected, without a formal diagnosis, to have NPD, and wanted to get a doctor's confirmation of that dx because her father would not release her psych records from when she was a minor.

It's my own background of living with a cluster b dx'd parent who constantly accused everyone else including me of having some kind of disorder, and I got triggered unawares. I took my own trigger out of defensiveness and projected it on to you, and I am sorry for doing so.

Wellness and peace to you.

[bloomie]

Preamble - What a frustration this must be for you as you see to the medical needs of your adult child who it seems is dependent upon you. I can see you are wanting to leave no stone unturned to figure out specifically what the medical diagnoses and interventions your child needs are without bringing further angst by having to explain in front of them the stonewalling you are experiencing from your ex. What a shame! I'm so sorry you have been put in this position.

A thought, so that you are not put in the middle, is to have the medical provider's office request your child's medical records and information directly from your ex. They may be willing to send the necessary forms/etc., to your ex. Having a private conversation with those managing the office and medical records may be another way to get what your child needs and for them to include a note regarding the absence of records and patient history so that you don't have to repeat this over and over again.

A moderator note... I moved your post to the Co-parenting board to get the very best insights possible from others who have experienced this type of stonewalling behavior and to lessen further misunderstanding of your situation. 🌸

[Poison Ivy]

I see two issues here: providing information about an adult relative to a health-care provider; and trying to hide from the adult relative that the information is being provided. I'm more concerned about the second issue than the first issue. In my experience, most (maybe all) health-care providers will not refuse to listen when I attend an appointment along with an adult relative and speak during that appointment about what I've observed. If the adult relative doesn't want me to speak during the appointment, I accept that. If I think the information is too important to not share with the health-care provider, I strongly encourage the adult relative to provide the information to the health-care provider.

[Starboard Song]

I see two issues here: providing information about an adult relative to a health-care provider; and trying to hide from the adult relative that the information is being provided. I'm more concerned about the second issue than the first issue. In my experience, most (maybe all) health-care providers will not refuse to listen when I attend an appointment along with an adult relative and speak during that appointment about what I've observed. If the adult relative doesn't want me to speak during the appointment, I accept that. If I think the information is too important to not share with the health-care provider, I strongly encourage the adult relative to provide the information to the health-care provider.

Those concerns are valid, based on the first post. OP has since clarified, I believe, that this isn't about revealing information about their adult child's diagnosis as much as communicating with the doctor about how on earth one can know there is a diagnosis but not be able to share the medical record due to the incalcitrance of a PD co-parent who is withholding documents. She is trying to find a gracious, discrete way to have that ugly conversation, I believe, and not to communicate behind the patient's back. OP has told us that she is legally entitled to speak on the adult patient's behalf, and she has acknowleged that it is all a little mysterious, so there is more here than meets the eye.

Alas, the communications challenges of an anonymous but public forum.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for the clarification.

[Penny Lane]

I have two suggestions here:
1. Call the doctor's office ahead of time and explain the situation.

2. Explain the situation in front of the patient, with a just the facts no emotions approach. You might not even need to get into why you don't have the record, depending on the nature of the diagnosis.

You know that patient was diagnosed with XYZ. If the doctor asked who diagnosed them, the answer is you don't know. If the doctor asks more, you can explain that patient was diagnosed when with father and you are happy to share father's contact info.
The doctor can then decide what to do with this information, whether it's to proceed or re-run tests or whatever.
I don't see any need to say things about, for example, your ex's possible undiagnosed personality disorder. Stick to what the doctor needs to know - that your ex holds this information and you do not.

You could put this in a note, but I think the logistics of a note-passing situation ... escalates? I think that's the right word ... more than it needs to. I think you can accomplish your goals in a more subtle way.

One more thing to consider, and perhaps you already have: I would take anything your ex has told you about previous medical diagnoses with a huge, huge grain of salt. My DH has found out later that his ex straight up lied about medical appointments, and he made decision based on bad information.