toxic mother in law at the door continued

[Wilder’s Garden Gate]

Moved out of her lower duplex unit 4 months ago after almost 3 years of hell. Didn't give her my new address. She's blocked on everything. But she smells blood in the water cause my husband and I are separated and he stayed at her place like an idiot and told her what happened. He put me through a violent experience and I involved the sheriff, twice. Don't know if we'll ever live together again. He brings harm. The poor traumatized thing.

But anyway he left her place when he came to his right mind after relapsing in alcoholism. And returned the junk car they tried to pawn off on him.


So she knocked on my door window SO HARD. So authoritarian. I was not expecting to see her face when I looked through the glass. Got to cover that glass 100% soon. I put my finger up for one minute. The tea kettle sang. I texted my husband why is she here? He said he told them he would call the cops if they ever came here. But he made the boundaries fuzzy by going there and telling them information.

So now I open my upstairs kitchen window, and record her with my phone. I get to receive the family treatment she gives all her kids (8) who are mostly NC, or going in or out of NC.

She gives me fake affection. Offers to help. I admit I was avoidant with my answers and eye contact. She wants to see my toddler, and I had put some thought into that when we moved out. I would only be comfortable with her hiring a supervisor for visits. She lost custody of her first 3 children because of physical abuse. Then she had more with a man with a raging temper. She also had her foster care liscense taken away because of her husband's abuse of the foster kids and has no ability legally to ever work with kids again or volunteer at a church.

I tell her I would be comfortable with visits with a supervisor.
"Do you think we would hurt him?" She says. In a way like she's shocked at my thoughts. As if my thoughts are unreasonable. God talk about being hit in the same place over and over again by different humans but that same spirit that wants to gaslight you into doubting your own judgment. That offers nothing but invalidation.

"Hi there familiar pattern!" "Hello same old test i keep failing!" "Hello the hurdle of childhood that awaits my victory!" 


One day you guys, I will jump this hurdle with my voice, in the same conversation, with those abusive adults, as a healthy adult who is able to communicate clearly and can stand being seen and known and withstand the attack i expect afterwards.

So, I said "I think there's a legal precedent." And she asked if her best friend could be the supervisor. Right like that's going to happen. Her best friend is sicker than she is. I said, "I haven't put that much thought into it." That's a lie. I know an agency she could hire from. I've put plenty of thought into it.

Then she told me to forgive her for the past. Nice. Nothing like a rage-aholic crazy person coming around un-invited telling their victim to forgive them. Telling. Not sure that's how it works but okay...

She questioned me alot and I dodged as much as I could. She tried to bribe me at the end asking me if she could send me money over fb. I made a joke because that is one of my character flaws to lighten up the mood when I am uncomfortable.  "I never saw a dollar I didn;t like! she giggled. "They are so handsome, wiggs and all."


So after the physical intimidation it was fake affection "Were family and we love you. If theres anything we can do to help..."
Then its questioning "How far along are you? are you having a girl or a boy? are you on cash aid? I know what its like to be pregnant and alone..."

Talk about a visit from the evil queen in the window of my house in the woods! "Baking pies Dearie...?" Yuck yuck yuck.


Sooo after being told to practice forgiveness this very sick woman who claims to be a Christian goes online and tells her older son all of her offenses toward me and my husband. It goes like this that they have been nothing but kind to us and we cant accept help and we are spoiled brats who dont appreciate blah blah blah. Then the oldest brother, having no boundaries, then writes online to my husband a lecture all about respect...

Then my husband tells all that to me first thing in the morning! I was so mad I almost unblocked her on Fb to write her a message making my boundaries clear! But instead I attended a recovery meeting and practiced surrendering all of this to God.

I surrender the outcome of my abusive marriage and this pregnancy and what ever God wants to make out of this mess. I've got a splitting head ache all day. The baby has a fever. So to keep it simple I am expressing these healthy anger feelings here. In my boundaries book it said that the reaction phase to a violation is important, but is a phase and cant be your personality or your permenent state of being. I have to move toward communicating my boundaries.

I think I have been stuck in my reaction phase. I went NC with my mother and then had LC, but am back to NC. When my Dad looses his temper with me I just run away and dont have contact for a few months then act like it never happened. Avoidance. This is what I'm stuck in. As a scorpio I feel particularly prone to burning bridges and keeping them burnt. If they think I can't live happily on an island I say "watch me!'
I have God. They have abuse to offer. Not much of a hard choice.


My boundary book says that this is an opportunity to rebuild my gate. You know what? My garden has no gate! there's an indoor baby gate there now. I get to literally build a gate. With a lock. Perhaps a fancy key pad attached to a handle. No more evil people coming all the way to my door. No sir.

My FOO
has the same feature. My mom spilled her offense to my little brother, who then gets steaming mad at me and then has a problem with me. She used him emotionally like a puppet. and he let her. In christianity they teach that youre supposed to go directly to the person that youre offended by. Of course I am NC, so they can't.  But it was a similar story. My mom dropped off presents for the kids and all she was trying to do was be nice and we wouldnt even come to the door and were so ungrateful. Right... she was just giving unconditionally. that's why she's so mad. It doesnt matter that I wasnt home when she dropped it off. Her judgement will not be in error ever.

Any ways What I want to say but can't or won't is, "I do not appreciate you. I do not appreciate the qualities you have as a person. I do not appreciate the way you treat me, I do not appreciate your values. I do not appreciate your verson of love, and that is because your actions do harm. If you were safe to let into my life then I would let you in, but you do harm, and for that reason I cannot let you in."


I think I have to say this to my husband too. marrying him has been a net loss. Just alot of harm and 2 more kids than I had when I met him. He just gives me problems. not help. How i feel about him is loving. How he makes me feel is scared. Frustrated, vexed, dissapointed, embarrassed, finacially vulnerable, on edge, annoyed, disgusted... all the things.

To my mother in law (for now) I would like to say," Thank you for modeling forgiveness for me by gossiping about what you think is wrong with me. I can see why I do not please you. I have to admit that I never will get your approval or high regard, and I hold that as the highest compliment you could pay me is your distain. I was not able to communicate clearly in person with you so I made a joke about money to lighten to mood because i was uncomfortable to say what I think out loud. I do not want your money at all. What I think is that I do not trust your help, I do not trust you. Your choices in relationships do harm. I do not expect your behavior to change and it is unacceptable to me. The State saw fit to remove your children from your custody because of physical abuse. The County saw fit to remove your foster care license because of verbal abuse. You are legally prohibited from being a caretaker for children. So to answer your question, "Do you think we would hurt him?" My answer is "I accept the legal precedence regarding your conduct as a caretaker for children and I accept your adult children's testimony of the great harm committed against them, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Therefore you may hire a professional supervisor for visits with my children to give them a chance to have positive memories of you.

I have seen you rage. I have seen you rage in front of your grandchildren. I have seen you pretend to push me out of the way. I came home to seeing 4 chairs on my porch that you smashed. Your character is not praiseworthy. You are the worst mother I have ever seen. No ability to nurture. No ability to be stable. No ability to see reality. Not one part of you is safe. Your'e ugly on the inside and on the outside.



Mentally ill mothers has to be one of the greatest tragedies in all history. I mean she had 8. kids. who are all very damaged and disfuntional and cooperate with her to abuse eachother. Geeze. With crazy parents it would be nice if at least the siblings were all on eachother's side! But they are all just as distant and sick as ever.

Well too bad. As for me and my house, we are going to recovery. and it dont matter that no one is coming with us. Were going to recover. Were going to say what we see, were going to have a home that feels safe, were going to be silly and have fun and great self care skills and great self awareness skills.




I'm glad I didn't unblock her, i am glad I didn't write her. she can gas out her own fire. I dropped the rope. And I am designing my Gate.

[Starboard Song]

i am glad I didn't write her. she can gas out her own fire. I dropped the rope. And I am designing my Gate.

This is correct. Sorry for a short reply to a long post: but you are getting to the right place.

Be good. Be strong.

[Cat of the Canals]

In my boundaries book it said that the reaction phase to a violation is important, but is a phase and cant be your personality or your permenent state of being. I have to move toward communicating my boundaries.

I love this and am copying it down. If you remember the title, I'd love to know what book it is.

Two thumbs up for the gate idea, literally and figuratively. We have a lovely concrete wall with a gate we keep locked 99% of the time, so NO ONE can get to our front door unless we want them to. It is amazing how much peace that has given us, especially with a MIL who refused to respect our wishes re: unannounced visits. We are 1000 miles away from her now, but there have still been times we wondered, "What if she just shows up????"

And definitely cover that window! When we still lived in arm's reach of MIL, I even covered the window on the garage door so she couldn't look in and see if the car was there. 

[Preamble]

Wilder's Garden Gate I think you will get stronger the longer you resist.  I'm sorry it's so hard at the moment though