Trauma Bond

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

One year in own place
Divorced since 8/25/2004

I've been thinking about trauma bonding recently.  During this journey, I really didn't think this concept applied to me.  I don't think I really thought about it - maybe minimized my experience or thought "trauma bonding - that's for other people".  Lately, I see how it does relate to my experience.  For example, I am curious about his new supply - not jealous, thankful because she is why I was able to divorce.  However, the curiosity hasn't lessened, it's almost getting more intense.  I've caught myself wanting to drive by his house and I try to convince myself, that this is natural.  Well, it isn't.  And, this example is how I am able to see my own trauma bond.  It actually feels good to recognize this because now I am making better choices.

No contact is the only way for me.  I do think, looking back, if I was able to do this during the divorce, I would have been emotionally better.  Yet, I recognize that I did the best I could - a journey. 

To those reading this and are starting their own journey Out of the FOG or divorcing, it gets better.  So much better - the hardships I went through was worth it.

[escapingman]

Plants, I am not sure if it is trauma bond or just pure curiosity that you want to drive by? It's natural to sometimes get a desire to find out how people from the past are doing, without any interest in having any feelings about it. But, whatever the underlaying reason remember to stay away and keep any PD in the past. You never know what kind of wounds could come to surface.

I can second that life without a PD is so much better. When I lived with STBX I knew it was bad but I did not understand how bad it was. I am now starting to feel my feelings, do my own things and take charge of my own life. I think my biggest step so far, and this has only just happened 8 months out, is that I have shifted my mentality and I am no longer feeling like a victim, I am feeling like I am reborn. I still have a long way to go but to not be yelled at and gaslit every single day is healing and the peace is just so worth it.

Thanks for your update Plants.

[JustKeepTrying]

So glad to hear you doing well Plants.  I agree with EM that it's probably a bit of curiosity but there is sometimes a pull - like a physical pull - to see how someone you were connected to is doing.  I recently and several times did a meditation where I mimed cutting cords from my heart to my ex so I could cut the ties - I know it sounds funny but it kind of helped - I could feel my mind and body ease at the idea of no long being connected in anyway to him.

As for the trauma bond, think of it this way, a core wound that he triggered and bonded you to him.  And you were unable to see it or break it.  When you look at it as a you thing - not a he thing - then you can begin to heal the wound and break the bond. 

I went out this guy last fall - and felt this intense chemistry - like Hallmark movie sizzling body on fire completely incapacitating chemistry - it was like a drug.  Looking back he was my ex all over again - all the red flags were there and chemistry was my lizard brain screaming to run.  My T had to explain it to me and I still couldn't give him up - it was like a drug.  Only after a real red flag that threatened my safety did I break it off - could break it off.  Upon reflection, the signs were there and I used it as a means to really focus on healing. 

[hhaw]

Plantflowers:

I think giving up on your PD equates to giving up hope for getting what you deserved from your FOO.....aFOO.....at least to some part of your subconscious.

Who gives up that kind of hope easily....without looking back, mourning and accepting the truth?  It's a kind of death one resists their entire life, maybe accepts, then finds emotional freedom was there, behind it, all along.....that one little death.

You're normal and human.

The software your FOO installed in your little Nervous System is flawed and you child's coping strategies, that kept you alive once, are outdated.

You can research new coping strategies, process your trauma and create an entire new life for yourself.  Leave the PD and reactivity/old patterns far behind.

Be sad.  Acknowledge your longing accept what you can't change and mourns without shame.

And keep breathing, Plantflowrs.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Plantflowersnotweeds!!!

Thank you so much for writing! I am at the doorstep in my relationship and waiting and waiting for the opportunity to walk out. Since we talked about divorcing she has never been away from the house for more than 15 minutes on her own and waiting for at least a few hour gap to get me out the door. It helps huge knowing that indeed life gets better.

My guess why you wanted to do a drive by is partly because there is never ever ever any closure.

For myself, I "think" once out I will not "think" about what she is doing. I hope anyways.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I know that a drive by is probably typical in normal relationships.  Obviously, our relationship wasn't "normal".

So, I know my own personal healing has to include NC, 100% NC, which means a drive by can trigger my thoughts.  Although, I'll go through my day there's this quiet voice thinking about him/what's he doing/how's the supply

Seeing a truck like his will even  trigger thoughts...what's he doing?  he has all this money I had to give him?  what's he doing with it, I know what he's saying about me....blah blah blah.   

I'm really trying to be aware so that my thoughts can be stopped and re-routed to a better topic.  My 20 year marriage was spent with my thoughts totally focused on him and how to survive in the fog. 

The more I am able to break these patterns and thoughts the better I am.  Even since the fall, I am noticing that I am less anxious, my blood pressure has gone down, and my GI issues are gone.  Go figure