feeling of betrayal

[losingmyself]

Some days my feeling of betrayal is overwhelming, and I end up anxiety-ridden.
I don't even know what to do about it. He came into my workplace yesterday after a doctor appointment, and I was listening to Dr. Ramani. He immediately checked out my phone and asked me what I was watching. I came up with a lame excuse. But my immediate thought was that I'll just never listen to her again, then I won't have to feel 'Guilty', like I did something wrong. This feeling is still with me today. Everything I have to do is behind his back, and I don't know how to reconcile that.
I feel like a terrible person, and if I just 'be a good wife', I won't feel like this.

[hhaw]

Losingmyself:

The book The Disease To Please, by Harriet B. Brainer, Ph.d. helps people overcome "the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others."

People pleasing, when it becomes addiction and debilitating fear of anger and confrontation, can be a defense mechanism using "niceness" and "people pleasing."

Understanding this about ourselves, motivations and unconscious beliefs makes it possible to notice patterns and change them.

You want to say NO, but say YES....
You give yourself away in order to avoid conflict and feel compelled to continue, to your detriment...this book is a deep dive into the causes abd conditions, with a 21 day action plan.

So far, it's a worthwhile read.

[losingmyself]

Thank you for your help. You both mentioned things that resonated with me.
I am not a subordinate although I'm treated as such. I need to remind myself, train myself not to act like one, because it is how I've been conditioned in the last 10 years.
HHaw, that paragraph about people pleasing is true for me. I will give myself up to avoid conflict. My first thought is to get away from the conversation, if I can be nice enough,  we won't get into it.
I have been avoiding mentioning any podcasts I have been listening to, because he'll respond with "By the way, what was that podcast you were watching when I came to your work?"
And getting angry with any response I give him.
So, now, another subject to avoid. 
Nice weather we're having....
Thanks to you both. I will try to get my hands on that book, although it's difficult to hide..

[hhaw]

Maybe put a different cover on it or read it on your lunch break.

Just know people pleasing doesn't get better.  It makes you sick.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hello Losingmyself!

You haven't done anything wrong.

The partner who needs to control every aspect of your life is in the wrong.

Hope you stop feeling guilty about trying to protect yourself, about being allowed to live a full life.

Any man who can not allow his partner to thrive is weak and insecure.

Hope you are safe. You need to take care of yourself. You are important. Take care