How to Handle the New Stepmom

[atticusfinch]

My ex got remarried last year, which did temporarily distract him from endlessly tormenting me. She seems like a genuinely good, capable, nice person, and my kids love her and she loves them, so overall I feel like his marriage has been a good change for us (his poor wife--someday she will realize it was a change for the worse for her).

My ex is extremely lazy when it comes to the kids--nine years on, I still buy all their clothes and they pack suitcases for when they visit Dad. Any time he has them longer than one night, he takes them to his sister's house, where they all sleep over. Then his sisters do all the cooking, etc, and when his weekend is over, he sends the kids' dirty clothes home for me to wash. Basically, he sees women as his personal servants, and I can already see his new wife being frog-boiled into the role.

For me, having an extra adult helping care for our kids has mostly made me heave a huge sigh of relief. The other day, she called the insurance for us over something my daughter needed, and I was thankful for her help. That said, there are times that I have suspected that my ex would love to just have me out of the picture and have her take up the role of doing all the dirty work, and then he can pretend they are the perfect family, etc. I don't distrust his new wife per se, but I know how powerful his manipulations are, and I worry that he will manipulate her into thinking that they need to "rescue" the kids from their derelict mother (me, according to him). Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with this? I'm happy to have her on board, but also feeling kind of hypervigiliant about her in other ways.

[Associate of Daniel]

My situation:  My UNPD exH's wife (ds16's smother) is also, I believe, UNPD, and worse than him.

She completely and willingly took over the responsibilities that are mine and his as biological parents.

He gladly handed over the reins to her as he can't cope with the hard parts of parenting and he didn't want me to have any involvement or say.

So I've lost years of simply being a mum.

Thankfully, between them they looked after ds physically (medical, food, clothes, school etc).  I just didn't get to be involved.

So, from my view point, you are right to be vigilant.

Thankfully, ds16 and I have managed to maintain a really good relationship, despite the difficulties.

Would you be comfortable to have a conversation with your ex's partner, asking her to let you do the things he won't do?

The time is now for setting those kinds of boundries.  I wish I'd done so right from the start. (He left me for her.) I wish I'd been enough Out of the FOG to stand my ground.  I wish I'd been strong enough. I only have one child.  I don't get any more chances to fully be a mum.

AOD

[hhaw]

Lord, I hope atticus isn't dealing with anything as bad your son's smother, AOD.

[Penny Lane]

I come from a little different perspective than AOD. I am the stepmom, and my husband's ex is uNPD.

I think things are a little different because of the gender dynamics and because of my presence, but I think that what we see with DH's ex and her new various boyfriends might be helpful to you.

We know that the kids' BM does exactly what you suspect -- she tells a sob story to her boyfriends and gets them to step in on parental duties. Very early on in the relationship and in really inappropriate ways, they are supporting her in (what we know and what they don't know is) preventing DH from having the kids or even alienating them.

By the time the boyfriends figure it out, they are invested in the kids and they end up sticking around for a long time.

She has also done this with her parents, triangulated them with DH so that they will step in to do things that, like AOD says, a parent really should be doing. Like your ex taking the kids to his sister's house.

You have some things going for you, though. The main one is that you are at the beginning of this and you have open lines of communication with her. Right now, it seems that your ex thinks that you are going to be threatened by her, and perhaps he hasn't started his manipulation campaign in earnest.

So if you can, use this time to put on a little PR campaign. Set some clear boundaries. I suggest something like: She can do the things that he SHOULD HAVE been doing all along. Washing their clothes, buying them clothes, etc. Strategically, if I were you, I would not let her do anything that you wouldn't want your ex to claim that he does, if you end up back in court. So things like doctors appointments, communicating with teachers, etc I would keep to yourself.

Through this, be kind and the bigger person, at least outwardly to her. Give her every reason to question his eventual lies about you.

In fact, I feel like the best case scenario would be that you and she are a team, with you as team leader delegating to her. I don't know if that is realistic, but that would be the best way to prevent him from manipulating.

Overall, though, you still want to keep your distance. And I think you always need to be prepared to pull back completely. Once your ex realizes that you are not threatened by the stepmom's presence, he will ramp up his manipulation of her to try to turn the two of you against each other. So you can never, ever trust her.

I know this is a lot, on top of your other stuff you have going on. But I think a little preventative work up front will really stop him from whatever thing he's planning with the kids and her. I think you are right to be skeptical but also, if you can walk the line, you can ease some of the burden on yourself without ceding any important parenting to her/him.

I'm sorry! This is one more thing to navigate and nothing is ever easy with a PD.