Family trip gone wrong

[adc]

I live in a different continent than my family. One parent sometimes comes to visit, and this time their in law indicated that they also wanted to come along. They were here for some time, and wow - so much disordered behaviour on the part of the in law.

As background, without asking me to do so, they basically just left it entirely to me to plan their itinerary entirely across countries, booking all travel, hotels, figuring out transportation, activities, checking them in for flights, finding restaurants - you name it. I went with them and acted as the tour guide. My parent appreciated this, and would at least give me some input when I discussed it with them. The in law gave no input and did not seem to care where we went, beyond wanting to go to one famous city.

The first couple of days seemed to mostly go smoothly, but I was a bit stressed at times by having the burden of everything on my shoulders. I did notice that every morning the in law would audibly sigh repeatedly, and complain that they had not slept well because of my parent's snoring.

Then in the city that the in law wanted to go to, they one day "switched". They were clearly angry about something, but did not say what it was. While I know that travelling can be difficult on some, and it may be normal to be tired or annoyed at times, this person clearly wanted us to know that they were angry. Then began sulking, being snappy, refusing to do something that they had expressed interest in doing (for example, asking for a certain type of food, I research a good place nearby and navigate us there, then "I don't want X food" in a curt tone). My parent asked kindly if they were ok, and the in law refused to answer them. (In retrospect, I think the issue may have been that my parent said "ok, let's do something else now" after an extended period of souvenir shopping).

Saying one thing and then later saying the exact opposite seemed to be a common theme, as well as sometimes indicating that I had not told them about something (when I know I had asked them several times, only for them to then say they had not been informed and "could not be ready in time" (i.e. with four hours prep time).

The next morning after the "switch", this person snapped at me. I was worried that they were bored at one point, and so asked if they wanted to do something else briefly. In response, they yelled, accusing me of trying to "get rid" of them, and that they were going to book a flight home. I calmly asked why they would want to book a flight home, and they said that I always seemed annoyed with them, anything they suggested I was annoyed with, so they "just would not say anything". This part was strange, since I was always asking them what they wanted to do, giving options, trying to get their input, and really got nothing in response. So I'm not sure what suggestion I could have shut down. When I tried asking, they would not give me any specifics. I said that I had not been annoyed with them and was sorry if I made them feel that way, that I wanted them to have a great trip, and if I seem annoyed at times maybe it's the stress of planning things in the background. I ended up reassuring them and apologizing a few times. I did say that I thought that they seemed upset the day before, and I did not know why....no answer.

There was no apology in return for the way this person had just yelled at me or acted rudely to us both the day before. I did say that I did not want it to seem that they both had to do what I suggested, that I wanted to do the things that they wanted to do, etc, and they responded with "well I have no choice, how would I know what to do? I have not been here before".  (Internal response: umm, you could spend five minutes on google at a minimum to get some ideas?) Then when I left to get us something, after we seemed to have cleared the air, the in law told my parent that all they wanted to do in this city was to see the one famous monument and shop, and that they had wanted to shop in one specific area and go to one store (we saw the monument and shopped, but not in this store or area). They had never mentioned wanting to do this.

Then the moods continue off and on throughout the trip. Since they said they had wanted to shop and go to a certain store, I immediately took them to this store in the next city. Instead of also doing some sightseeing as well, as I and my parent would have preferred, we focused on shopping for the in law. The in law then seemed disinterested and complained about how they cannot afford anything from the store they wanted to go to, and that they "do not need anything" in the more affordable areas. Then they complain that they "would not come back" to this city. Also, while I don't need to be thanked extensively, I was putting a lot of effort into doing literally everything for them, and I started to notice that the in law did not appreciate it, and just expected more and more. One day they started complaining about not having any photos from something we did, when I had in fact taken many photos of the two of them together and sent most of them across the same day - at this point it kind of registered to me that, wow, instead of appreciating that I am doing these extra things for you, you are in fact complaining somehow? I also noticed at one point that this person never offered to return the favor and take a photo of my parent and I together.

I know there's no making sense of this kind of behaviour from a disordered person, but it still baffles me that they would want to ruin their own trip in this way, after taking the time and going to the expense of it all. It's also disappointing that they would put a damper on the trip for my parent. I noticed that there were also times where I offered something to be nice, and they took offence, somehow twisting it around to thinking that I was trying to give them a worse option, when that clearly was not the case.

Since neither of them got a local SIM card and decided they were incapable of navigating or doing anything without me, there was no chance to take a break or do separate activities for a few hours to get some air, so it was tough. Sorry for the long vent, but I am interested in hearing anyone's take on this or your experiences with something similar. Obviously I will not travel with this person again. My parent noticed the behaviour as well and did not seem impressed, so I am not sure how this will affect their friendship. It also saddens me that in addition to dealing with their disordered spouse, my parent also has this person as a close friend, who seems quite selfish and lacking in self awareness. My parent did say that this person has a tendency to be self involved, so they have noticed some of these traits before.

While I should not concern myself with it, I am curious as to what this person's version of the narrative will be after the fact. I have since heard that they wanted to go on this trip because they were jealous of someone else's vacation, which, if true, may explain the seeming total lack of interest in where we went or what we did. If it's all about bragging rights, maybe this will in retrospect have been the greatest trip ever? Or maybe a combination of that, along with me being a problem for....maybe seeming annoyed at times?

[hhaw]

Yikes.  My take?

This in law was training you to anticipate and avoid punitive, critical complaining in order to control and enslave you on the trip, which seemed to happen, imo.

I think people like that recognize those who will allow poor treatment and seek to appease their ungrateful begavior with more efforts to appease the IL.

In short, there was nithing you could do to please the IL bc their pleasure came from creating cinfusiin, chaos and posturing as a victim.

They might have straightened up had you drawn some hard boundaries, called them on their crazy and refused to engage if they failed to stop behaving badly.

Likely not, imo.

I'm guessing you wanted to keep the peace and ensure the turmoil didn't turn into a larger family drama.....I think the IL will run around complaining about you, your mother abd the treatment IL received, no matter what you did.

You had options....
Not doing all the work on the trip for capable adults responsible for their own trip.
Not continuing to appease the IL once it was clear she was ungrateful and invested in ruining everyone's time, despite your best efforts.
Spend time on your own and with your mother having a lovely time while the UL was left to deal with whatever she was prihecting onto you guys.
You didn't have to subject yourselves to that difficult person, but I understand why you did.  I likely wouId have too.

I'd like to think you and I would make different choices, limit contact and put healthy boundaries in place going forward.....that requires accepting reality, releasing the need to change or fix other oeople/situations you can't control and hinoring yourself instead, above all.

When the IL threatened to leave, you should have agreed it was the right move, imo. Likely that would have ignited a firestorm in the rest if the family.....family who likely know what a nightmare this IL is, btw.

I'm curious how you feel you abd your mother should proceed, going forward with this IL.

[adc]

You're right, I think the in law wanted to be miserable and nothing was going to change that. It was their choice to act as they did, and I made a point not to grovel or try to please them, but mostly just let them be. My parent would suggest doing certain things to accommodate them, but I told them that this person was likely going to be miserable no matter what, and that it was also their trip, and they should not focus on trying appease a difficult person.

I tried to find a balance of doing things that the in law and my parent would want, as I normally would, but also not letting the in law dictate what we did overall (for example, they would agree to a restaurant and then change their mind as we arrived. Since it was something my parent also wanted, we would simply go in rather than letting them derail things for no reason and without presenting any alternative). Or if there was something my parent really wanted, I would make sure it happened, even if it seemed that the in law might complain. Once I ordered something for the table and the in law sniped that they did not want it and were not hungry. I cheerily said "more for me then!", which caused them to seemingly panic and and start taking some of the food, like a child afraid of missing out.

I also debated whether to call the in law on this bs, but imagine that they would just continue acting up, and also I know that my parent wanted me to keep the peace, so I tried to strike a balance for their sake. I don't need to see this in law very often, but my parent is close to them. I would never travel with them again.

When the in law threatened to leave, there's no way they would actually have paid for a new flight home, it was just said to create drama. I was tempted to say "if that's what you want", but landed on a flat "why would you want to fly home" as a compromise. I imagine that they wanted me to be shocked and beg them not to go, so at least they didn't get exactly what they wanted out of me.

Also, yes it's true, I could have decided to just leave them alone and go off without them. I see that my parent uses the same method of trying to appease the difficult spouse, and it frustrates me to see a problematic person enabled in this way, so it was difficult to stomach here. If I were travelling with a friend who behaved this way, I would have left.

As you said, I did have choices, such as not planning everything for them. I wanted my parent to have a good trip, so ultimately I did it for their sake (and know that they appreciate it). It was dealing with the lack of appreciation from the in law that made me resentful about that aspect.

The in law sent a message to both of us the day after they arrived home, acting like all was well and saying thanks for the great trip. They apparently called my parent a little while after, and when someone else answered, asked whether my parent "still wanted to talk to them".  But aside from this vague acknowledgment of....something, they otherwise did not address what happened.

[adc]

Reflecting further, I think I'm stuck feeling angry because I allowed this person to snap at me and treat me badly. That really does not feel good.

I had options, but I was also trying to keep my parent happy. I knew that my parent would resist attempts at not enabling this person. For example, I can think of one occasion where we should have just gone and done something, and let the in law meet us afterwards. However, if I had suggested this, I'm fairly certain my parent would have come whispering to me that in law would be upset by this, and so we should not do it. So, a lose-lose situation trying to manage the disordered person and the enabler.

This all also feels far too familiar - growing up with the other parent being abusive, and this parent enabling the behaviour, failing to protect me or do anything, expecting that we all just walk on eggshells and try not to upset the abuser.

[Big Bear]

You're right, I think the in law wanted to be miserable and nothing was going to change that. It was their choice to act as they did  . . .

I would never travel with them again.

adc,

I am so sorry to hear about this vacation gone awry.  You put so much time and effort into this trip.  You tried so hard to make it as enjoyable as possible for everyone involved.  What a disappointment!  : (

A long time ago, when we had only been married one year, my wife and I went on a week-long road trip with my parents.  It left me feeling like this:     Suffice it to say that this was our first and last vacation we ever took together with my parents.  After that it was only visits to their home or our home.  Travel was just too stressful with them.  It left too many possibilities open for drama.   

The "in law" in your story sounds like a classic narcissist.  Narcissists delight in creating uncomfortable situations for those around them.  They like "heads I win, tails you loose" situations.  They have an uncanny ability to find a way to complain about any outcome.  They often like to paint themselves as the victim.  Being around a narcissist can be draining, exhausting, and downright frustrating.  It seems like they have a bottomless pit of needs, wants, and entitlements.  No matter what you said, or how you handled the trip, I'm quite confident that "in law" would have found a way to be disappointed.  Please don't feel guilty about how the trip panned out.  You did the best you could in a difficult situation. 

I hope that you stay true to your stated goal of never traveling with the "in law" again.  If your parent ever brings up this possibility in the future, please politely decline.  Maybe next time you could have a vacation that would actually be relaxing!  Find a safe person or safe people for your next trip.  Happy trails!   

sincerely,
Big Bear

[notrightinthehead]

You wrote:   .....This all also feels far too familiar - growing up with the other parent being abusive, and this parent enabling the behaviour, failing to protect me or do anything, expecting that we all just walk on eggshells and try not to upset the abuser.
I agree with you. Your enabler parent again forced you to enable unacceptable behavior. It's painful to realize that the enabler holds 50% of the responsibility.  This is their choice. You can decide for yourself if you want to continue with the role assigned to you or not.

[adc]

Thanks hhaw, BigBear, and notrightinthehead for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it. It's nice to have some input from members here who have experienced similar things.

BigBear, it really helped to hear that I tried so hard, and that this person would have been unhappy no matter what - thank you for that. I'm sorry that you had a similar experience with your parents.

I know it's not my job to attempt to diagnose, but as you mentioned narcissism, I have been wondering about what personality disorder may be at play - I definitely saw a sense of entitlement, selfishness, a lack of self-awareness, and a desire to be unhappy no matter what and to have others cater to them.

I picked up something around a sense of being left out as well, with the comments about me trying to "get rid" of them, and with the in law sometimes making comments about how my parent and I had "arranged" something without them. It was odd, because if anything I made myself the third wheel so much of the time and let them have time together. My parent and I both made a point of running ideas by in law to get their input about suggested activities. As one small example, I endlessly took photos of the two of them together, and the in law never offered to take any photos of my parent and I together.

I guess now I'm just trying to find a way to put this to rest and not let it take up more of my mental energy being angry about it. At the same time, I am debating whether it's worth it to say anything to my parent about this (though I know it will likely fall on deaf ears). Maybe something like: "remember that day when X happened? I think we should have just gone ahead with the plan, but I think if I had suggested doing so, you would have told me that in law would be upset and so we shouldn't do it. But now it really bothers me that in law spoke to me and treated me so badly, and that I let them get away with it and, if anything, catered to their bad behavior".

I noticed a few times that my parent commented to me that the in law had snapped at them about something. It's occurring to me now that my parent did not say anything to me about the times when in law snapped at me - it's making me wonder if my parent didn't really notice/care as much if it was not directed at them? They do seem upset now that in law did not properly appreciate all the work I did for them....but I'm more bothered by the treatment I received.

I did try telling my parent that the in law was going to be unhappy no matter what, and not to spend all their energy trying to appease this person, as it was also the parent's trip - though parent would respond with things like "but if we don't do what in law wants, they will complain". This pattern is so deeply entrenched that my parent likely won't see it, though maybe I can buy them a book on codependency or dealing with narcissists, and see whether anything registers.

[lkdrymom]

Who exactly was this in law...aunt? uncle? cousin?  And why were they given so much power on this trip?  I understand not wanting to rock the boat and causing conflict.  I would have reacted the same way then been mad with myself afterwards.  Now the older I get, the less crap I am willing to take.  I loved your answer to when they complained about a dish you ordered.  Needed more of that.   And of course you should have agreed when they said they were going home. You needed to call that bluff.   Now you know that if this ever happens again (and after this it shouldn't) that you need to call their bluff on the first complaint. You know they will back down.

[Leonor]

Hi adc,

Just wanted to reassure you to not feel bad about not reacting to your inlaw treating you poorly.

PDs get supply from upsetting people, so if you had called your IL out on it or snapped back, they would have felt empowered.

If you just let it pass, your IL probably felt bewildered and frustrated. And you would have been more empowered by not giving your IL the supply they were angling for.

There are times when it's a sign of strength to call out poor behavior. When a powerful person is bullying someone weaker. When a child is being mistreated. When an employer does not value your work.

But with personality disordered people, especially relatives, it's just the White Rabbit's hole. No need to go chasing them down that!

[notrightinthehead]

My husband is a very difficult person, and for many years I enabled his entitled, patronizing, disrespectful, and belittling behaviour.  I had friends telling me that I was welcome at their home as long as I didn't bring him.  We both often were not invited to social events. Of course he blamed me.
Eventually I started looking for answers. Why my relationship was so difficult. Why I couldn't make it work. I don't  know if it would have speeded up the process if someone kind would have put books on Co-dependency my way. I think one has to be ready to look at ones own behaviour.  You might offer the information but your parent probably will only take it in once they are ready. Once they have hit rock bottom.

[moglow]

Adc, I suspect there's nothing to be gained by talking to your parents about it - they know, and there's nothing they can do. They saw and heard. And it may well be they were relieved to have some of the pressure off them, I think that's part and parcel of some relationships. They may not have liked it happening to you, but knew there was little they could do at that point.

I'd have a tendency to look at this as lesson learned - next time there's a trip, she's not invited or, frankly, welcome. They tell me inlaw is coming? Oh, where are y'all going then? Maybe I can meet you for a few days. Make it clear you won't be there for the duration if at all. Appreciative inlaw may have been after the fact, it was uncomfortable at best and it certainly wasn't enjoyable. You're not a travel agent or cruise director, and their inlaw can take their bragging rights elsewhere. Seems to me that by putting it all on you, there's someone to blame when things inevitably go wrong or simply don't materialize as they expected. Being angry about it though, just burns down your available time and energy.

[adc]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Leonor, thanks for the reassurance. I have been beating myself up over not standing up to this person more, so it was nice to hear that arguing may have just given the in law what they wanted.

Ikdrymom, excellent point, why does this person have the power? Particularly when they acted as if they were helpless to so much as go outside by themselves, and decided to be entirely dependant on me to do everything for them.

I suppose the power came from being the difficult person, with my parent in a pattern of enabling. I knew that my parent would resist if I tried to push back on the in law, so I felt stuck. They are also friends, so perhaps I felt that if I reacted more strongly, it would cause an issue between them (even though in law was the problem). But in hindsight, maybe even telling in law calmly that I was tired of being snapped at, and that I was going to go out alone for a while would have sent a message.

notrightinthehead, I know you're right, I can't make my parent see this.

Moglow, interesting point about putting it all on me to have someone to blame. It struck a chord since enabler parent has said the exact same thing about disordered parent when they travel alone together (leaving enabler to do everything so they can blame them if anything goes wrong). In this case, I think it was also laziness and entitlement, perhaps mixed in with not really caring about anything, as they only wanted some pictures for social media.

I know it's only harming me to stay angry. I'm feeling a bit better now, but am still finding it hard to let go of. I think it's also a lifetime of enabling parent doing the same thing with the abusive parent. I tended to be the one who would speak up to abusive parent, and so was on the receiving end of more of their rage. The message from enabling parent was generally that you should not say anything and just put up with whatever the abusive parent was dishing out, otherwise any fallout would be your fault.  So I would be blamed for having said something to abusive parent, rather than there being some acknowledgement that the abuser's behavior was not ok. It was always infuriating, and I resent being put in the same situation again.

I'm also kind of shocked in retrospect at the way that they just did nothing and left it to me to plan everything, without even asking me to do it. I would tell my parent "it may be a good idea to book flights soon", for example, and be met with "ok" as a response. So....you're just expecting that I'll decide on an entire itinerary and book everything? Granted, based on what I've seen, in law would not have been at all helpful. I know for my parent this was not coming from a malicious place, but is based more around anxiety at making decisions. They also have it in their head that it's so much easier for me because I travel more and just "know" how to plan everything. I'm sure some parts would be easier for me, and I expected to be a part of the process, but not for everything to just be silently dropped on me.

[Jolie40]

wow, that was a lot of pressure on you!

can't believe they expected you to book their travel
I have to say that I wouldn't have booked airlines; it should have been their responsibility to book plane travel

maybe they were unsure how to do it if they're not travelers?

[adc]

Thanks Jolie40, it did feel like some pressure to try to plan a trip of a lifetime for someone without receiving any input!

For the flights, my parent booked the main flight to get from their region to mine, for both themselves and the in law. I've since learned that my parent had also booked a flight for in law in the past for a trip that my parent was not a part of (not sure if my parent may have offered to help, or if in law asked them to do it).

Since my parent was initially going to come out to visit me alone, maybe the in law viewed this as: you're doing this anyways, so this isn't any extra work if you also just book everything for me too? Apparently in law asked a few times before the trip if the itinerary was ready, so that they could tell others where they would be going  (but just expected that either I or my parent and I would plan it all without them). When I would try asking on the trip what they wanted to do, they would say things like "how would I know what to do? I haven't been here before").

Whereas since it was in law's first trip (and potentially only trip ever) to this region, the itinerary was different from what we otherwise would have planned. The only place in law expressed an interest in seeing was one that my parent had already been to, and didn't really want to visit again.

As for my parent, they do have experience booking flights, but have this idea that I would be "better" at it and that it would be easier for me. I think my parent also struggles with some anxiety and with decision making, so that may be part of it. My parent did offer to use their credit card for all of the hotel and flight bookings, although I ended up paying. I suppose at that point it seemed easier to just book the seats at the same time - if I booked my seat, for example, and they delayed booking and couldn't get on the same flight, it would become my problem to solve.

[adc]

My parent spoke to the in law. It sounds like they didn't discuss/acknowledge any issues, and parent is now making excuses for in law. "Maybe they were upset because of (insert personal reasons that would not explain or justify this behavior)".

"I suppose we were all irritated at times". I asked for examples as to how I or parent were annoyed at times, and got a response regarding how I seemed annoyed in response to in law being rude and difficult on one occasion.

In this example, in law had asked for something, I researched and navigated to a place to meet the request, in law then, in a rude manner, rejected what I had found. I could accept this if they had spoken in a regular way and expressed that they wanted to choose something else. But being rude when there was no good reason for it, while offering no alternative, and after I had gone to the effort to find this for them was frustrating. I then said to the in law that they could make a suggestion as to where to go. Yes, I'm sure I seemed annoyed in this moment.

I told my parent that (1) this was a reaction to problematic behavior from the in law, and (2) that at no point did either I or parent speak to anyone the way that the in law spoke to us. The weird thing is, parent agrees that the way that in law responded in the above example was rude, and that their reasons made no sense.

I knew it was unlikely that parent would address any of what happened with in law, but it adds insult to injury to have been spoken to and treated this way on so many occasions, right in front of parent, and for parent to now just make excuses for them.

[Big Bear]

This all also feels far too familiar - growing up with the other parent being abusive, and this parent enabling the behaviour, failing to protect me or do anything, expecting that we all just walk on eggshells and try not to upset the abuser.

I knew it was unlikely that parent would address any of what happened with in law, but it adds insult to injury to have been spoken to and treated this way on so many occasions, right in front of parent, and for parent to now just make excuses for them.

adc,

I'm so sorry to hear that you were disrespected so many times over this past trip.  You do not deserve to be treated this way by anyone, in-law, your abusive parent, or anyone else.  In fact, it sounds like this has happened before.  Having a difficult in-law is one thing, but an abusive parent is usually much, much harder to deal with.  No wonder you have been torn-up in the days and weeks after the trip.  It sounds like a re-run of how your parents used to treat you.   

I believe that the role of parents is to nurture and protect their children.  Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen.  Your enabling parent has looked the other way, made excuses, defended, and even supported the abusive behavior of others.  I don't know enough about your enabling parent to know why he or she acts this way.  But I can see that it is very hurtful to you.  Why doesn't my parent stand up to the bullies?  Why doesn't my enabling parent take my side?  Why doesn't he or she defend me?

I can't answer these questions for you.  But I can tell you this: Your enabling parent has deeply ingrained habits and beliefs and it is unlikely that he or she would ever change.  I know, this could be hard to accept.  You are hoping that your enabling parent would set aside a life-time of habits and change into someone different.  You are hoping that this parent would start to defend and protect you.  Because, after all, isn't that what parents are supposed to do?  That's a big hope.  I imagine that it would not be easy to let go of that.

It may be hard to accept, but you cannot change your enabling parent.  No amount of reasoning, explaining, or justifying will change him or her. 

But don't loose heart.  There is hope - hope for you.  You took the courageous step to reach out in this forum.  Please do not believe what an enabler demonstrates to you.  You do not deserve to be abused.  You do not deserve to bend over backwards for others only to be disrespected by them.  Please protect yourself from these harmful people.  It won't be easy, but you can learn to stand up for yourself.  You can learn to say "no" when you sense that the demands of others are unfair or hurtful.  It will take time, but you can distance yourself from hurtful people using healthy boundaries.  We are here for you.  Stay strong!  Hang in there!   

sincerely,
Big Bear