Problems With Adult Daughter

[Fogbound]

Hello All,

I have a 30 year old daughter that is absolutely driving me crazy. I feel like a hostage in her world with no way to live a normal life. All I want is to enjoy my retirement and travel. I worked a professional job for 20 years, raised the kids and I see this as my time to do what I've always wanted.

My daughter has only been diagnosed with ADHD and that struggle is real and seems to be getting worse. She has extreme executive dysfunction and emotional disregulation and also has some anxiety and  depression. She abuses substances but won't admit it.

The problem is that I sincerely believe ADHD is not the only issue with her. My armchair diagnosis after doing a lot of reading is that she seems to be Borderline but sometimes I wonder if she is a narcissist.

Since Covid and getting laid off she has not been able to hold down employment and expects everyone else to pay her bills. She is completely nocturnal  and sleeps in bed all day.  She has had so much help from both me and her Dad, but claims we have abandoned her. She acts like a 10 year old and doesn't understand why  we don't want to pay for a bunch of stuff (like dance class!) for a 30 year old.  I am retired and now living on a small pension and don't want to spend my money that way, nor should I have to justify how I want to live my life to a grown adult.
Last night she had (another, its common) screaming fit at me at 3am. She's always aggrieved, always angry at me, and I've become the villain-du-jour in her life.  She refuses therapy unless we go as a family.  I don't want to go because she will use the opportunity to point fingers at me and my ex and twist and manipulate the therapist. 

So should I go and hope it does some good?  I think the goal of therapy should be to get her on track to having normal relationships and handling the details of her own life, such as getting her own place and holding down some kind of job and paying all her own bills.  She thinks the goal is to "repair our relationship" which is crazy because I've spent the last 30 years going above and beyond the call of duty helping her out. 

There are so many issues I could write all day but the crux of it is that I want to move out and not live with her.  I don't know what to do, where to begin to address the issues.  I just want to live my life and have her take responsibility for herself but she says I don't care, don't understand, and don't want to help. 

Another thing is that her interpretations of events are always really skewed and inaccurate. Its weird.  I don't tell her much anymore because she mines conversations for things to use against you later. 

So my basic question is should I agree to try family therapy with her?  Should I cut her off?  She threatens suicide also and say things like "you'll be happy when I leave this earth."  I should also add that she was 5150'd a month or so ago-her friend had to call 911 because after drinking a bottle of whiskey she threatened to kill herself.  My ex-husband suggested we look into having her committed.

[bloomie]

Hi there. I see you are new and want to welcome you to Out of the FOG. It sounds like things have been very hard with your daughter for a good enough bit of time for you to be pretty overwhelmed and exhausted by the difficulties. I am so sorry for all of the struggles and really glad you reached out.

Something that always is a good starting place for those of us that find ourselves here is to look at what does and does not work for you in this relationship with your adult child and then to begin to live out your limits and boundaries.

An example is determining that you will call emergency services when/if she threatens self harm as the safest response. None of us are equipped to keep another adult safe when they have escalated to this point. It takes the pros to assess and treat someone in this state. I am thankful your daughter's friend had the wisdom to take that step with her when your daughter threatened self harm. How awful for everyone involved.

Another might be that you do not have difficult conversations in the middle of the night. Night time is rest time and a drama free zone.

It is impossible for any of us to know what is best for you to do, but we can support you as you figure that out. Your living situation has to be really difficult, and if possible, living separately may be a way to regroup and have perspective around all of this.

In terms of therapy... maybe a good starting place would be to wait until your daughter has sought that for herself and has gained some kind of stability before you engage with her?

In the meantime, make good use of the many resources available and here and join the conversations taking place on the boards. Sending you insight and wisdom as you find the best way forward in what has to be a very painful and concerning relationship.

[notrightinthehead]

Just want to add my welcome! It's so much harder when the difficult person in our world is a child. For now check out the Toolbox, especially boundaries. See you around.

[Jolie40]

Hi
she's screaming at you at 3 am? that's not good
if I were you, I would not live with a daughter who is 30

she's an adult & there's no need for you to pay for her stuff
all the financial advisors say not to pay for adult kids when one is retired!

husband & I met working nights so there are night jobs out there
she could find a job working nights & be an adult
you have to cut her off so she can grow up

[moglow]

You might ask her what's her goal for therapy - she's 30, not 13. It's time she pursue her own goals rather than foist them off on others. Blaming you for her shortcomings only gets her so far. She's long since past the age where she should have made some headway into building her own life and paying for her own freaking dance classes. For a great many people out there, living off mom and dad at that age is a horrifying idea - they want and need their own life and independence! Having a little help here and there is one thing, but screaming fits demanding that you take care of her? No ma'am.

It sounds like she does need help, but like all of us she's got to seek it out for herself. You can't make her follow through. She would need to make any appointment and you make it clear it's still *her* appointment, you're along at her insistence. Pointing fingers and screaming fits? Whatever she may say or accusations she makes, any competent therapist will see through it. Again, she's an adult. You can't fix this for her - she either does the work and learns how to better herself or no. Your relationship won't change until SHE does.

At the end of the day it's HER life she needs to change, not change yours to suit her purposes. That's not how it works.

[BlazingYear]

Welcome to the group.

I am new here too. As of today March 31st.

My son is having major melt downs, accusing us of abandoning him and leaving him in a toxic relationship that he CHOSE to be in over and over again. I started paying for his bills, but promptly stopped. He cannot keep a job, and will not call for help (therapist to doctor).

He calls me at least every month with a new crisis, and my mother's heart cannot handle it anymore. I am on disability and cannot afford it either to pay his way through life.

I am seeing a therpapist, and she suggested revisiting the boundaries section here and to find a community so here I am .

How are you managing now?

[Leonor]

Hi Fogbound,

I'm so sorry you are going through this exhausting heartbreak.

Have you ever considered dropping in in an Al Anon group? I have found them to be a very welcoming group, and it is a comfort to be in a room full of people who get what it's like to live with someone who is abusing substances.

You daughter may be personality disordered, and she may be self medicating. The stress and worry and grief is the same, though, and you deserve all the support you can muster. Plus, a big part of Al Anon is learning to draw and live our boundaries around inappropriate behavior, even - especially - from those we love.