Single Dad Playing the Victim

[Call Me Cordelia]

There's a dad in our neighborhood in the middle of a nasty divorce. He likes playing the victim and gaining sympathy about his "abusive" wife, and certain people are very generous to him in terms of meals, paying him more than his used furniture is worth, etc. Any time there's an opening he'll go on about how the family law system hates men, rewards "woke" parenting and if you don't play along you are labeled abusive and the outcome is predetermined. He's not going to back down, he's going to fight for his child come hell or high water. Self-righteousness for days. Well, dang, if he presents in court even a little bit like he does when among "friends" I wouldn't want to give him 50/50 custody either. His lawyer just quit his case because he didn't think he could win, and now this dude is attacking the lawyer as not a real Christian. 

My problem comes in when people are asking me to be part of a community effort to help him, and people give him public sympathy and speak of him like he's some special suffering saint. No no no no. I barely know the guy, I'm not getting involved. Just because we're the same religion doesn't give him a claim to my assistance. Once early on I even leveled with him, and said, "Look, you may be right about the system being prejudiced against fathers. The zeitgeist may be against the parenting philosophy you follow. But even and especially if that is true, what do you have to gain by calling your wife names and tearing down her parenting? If the court are disposed to be on her side to begin with, attacking her pretty much guarantees you will lose. You don't have to agree, but you have to show a willingness to try to be reasonable. Do you want time with your kid or do you want to be right?"

I can't do any less than tell the absolute truth, give the devil an inch he'll take a mile In other words, he'd rather play the victim. Fine. I don't know the dude's stbx wife but even if she's completely opposite of me politically, religiously, etc. I am not lifting a finger to "help" this guy. I'm not putting on a prayer list an intention that he wins his case. I wrote instead some vanilla thing emphasizing the good of the child. He got in my business about it and I basically said, "What I have written, I have written."

I'm not sure what my point is exactly. Maybe that uPDs can be of any religion or political persuasion? My folks were liberal ones. Just because someone is "like you" doesn't mean they can be trusted. Watch out for people who insist you 100% agree with them. And ugh on how so many people who mean to be good... Just. Don't. See it.

[notrightinthehead]

I hear you. And Kudos to you for standing up for your opinion! What you said to him was valuable feedback, which he chose to ignore. Please continue being a light beam. The world needs people brave enough to stand up to opinion bullies.
Many on here have been victims of such people as you describe and it brings me hope to think that there are brave people out there who speak up in their defense.
And yes, having the same religion, nationality, color, or political beliefs does not mean they are automatically good. Have you watched the documentary about Jimmy Savile on Netflix?
Big hug Cordelia!

[NarcKiddo]

Just keep banging on about the good of the child. Nobody can argue with that. Well, except for him, apparently, and that tells its own story.

You are certainly correct that PDs can be in all walks of life. And I think the ones that are "like you" are probably the most dangerous. We particularly want to like, and be helpful to, those in our tribe. That's natural, and gives them huge leverage.

[bloomie]

Call Me Cordelia - the thing about coming Out of the FOG is that when we have developed eyes to see nuance and inconsistencies in another's character we learn to pay close attention and respond with wisdom and discernment. It is a bit shocking to me that this man would get in your business about what you chose to put on a prayer list. Such a huge overstep and very revealing. I LOVE your response!!!

It has to be painful to see some in your community possibly being duped and recruited. In my experience, Faith Communities are especially vulnerable to wolves in sheep's clothing.