Why being mocked as a child (by PD parents) was so confusing.

[treesgrowslowly]

When a narcissistic parent "is only joking" - they are not joking at all.

I am sure that many of us can attest to memories where as children, our parents "joked" around, but we were not laughing with them, and it didn't feel 'right', but as children, we couldn't know why.

This is because narcissists are mocking us and insulting us and then passing it off as "I'm only joking".

This article explains many of the things I watched in my FOO and with other narcissists in my life.

Narcissists do not know how to joke around with you, in a way that is loving (fun, healthy, emotionally safe and playful). What other kids got - in terms of having parents who could laugh with them, tease them, relate with them in healthy ways - that didn't exist in my PD-parent household. Nope.

As this article explains so well, their "joking around" is all about taking you down a peg, and getting out some of their own emotional frustrations, at your expense.

I will probably never stop writing about the experience growing up with narcissistic parents. As a child I had no way of understanding anything they did. It is very valuable to know that this was all just textbook narcissism, and I happened to land in a FOO system full of dysfunction that has a name and an explanation.

I was raised by people who were experts at passive aggression. Mocking their children was done without any thought at all as to the damage it caused us.

Thankfully, I did not become like them. I have a good sense of humour. They certainly did not.

Sharing this article in case it helps others:

https://wasitme.blog/2022/01/14/signs-of-a-covert-narcissists-passive-aggressive-humor/

Trees

[SonofThunder]

Hi Trees, thanks for sharing! 

That 1-4 list of the signs is such a perfect fit with my uNPDf.  He's done all these with me and my sibling and still, with my caretaker mother.  In my experienced, these traits are most prominently displayed in relationship circles 1 and 2;  sometimes in 3 and rarely/never in 4 and 5. 

Therefore I say, his funeral is going to be well attended and some will feel the push/pull of a sense of relief (circles 1-2), while the others (3-5) will greatly mourn the loss of such a caring, giving man.  The mourners will have no clue what occurred behind the tall wall of facade.

SoT

[11JB68]

Updm often complained that no one"got" her sarcasm/ sarcastic "sense of humor"

[Dragonfly]

I could really relate to the part - Envious of others ...and the triangulating to cause problems. This is my mother to a T- all my life. I was hoping this might change as we all got older. 

[moglow]

I can only agree with all of you. Somewhere along the way I did suck it up and tell mother flat out, If I ever said to you the things and the way you do with me you'd be very angry and hurt, and understandably so. If you wouldn't want it said or done to you, don't do it with me or anyone else. Mutual respect! Her retort was of course, me not knowing how to take a joke and blowing it out of proportion. I dunno mother, Maybe it's your tone? The incessant put downs? Mocking me to my face and in front of others? The mumbling about others behind their backs when you were just all sweetness and light?

I get it - all that is normal for them, they do and say those things without hesitation. But when we call them on it and the defensiveness is their first option? No apology, no remorse whatsoever.

[11JB68]

Also i clearly remember one time in particular that I, as a child,  innocently used what I thought was funny/ sarcastic humor in her presence with an older adult (music teacher) and she got SO ANGRY with me for "talking like that to Mrs x" and ranted at me/ put me down all the way home.... I honestly meant nothing by it,  thought I was being clever/ funny.... clearly learned it from her.... so confusing and embarrassing

[Call Me Cordelia]

I have definitely had that experience. I put down my grandfather! Whom I actually really liked. He was an enabler but he was my only grandparent who was genuinely nice to me.

[Srcyu]

Sometimes the mocking isn't even disguised as 'joking'.
As a child I overheard her mocking me for the way I had spoken to my ill rabbit. She was SO amused (she was the cause of the rabbit's problem).
She mocked my school report once because a teacher had put that I, "needed to come out of my shell." She loved that one.
Basically, they are bullies.



milly

[treesgrowslowly]

Very sad that many of us can relate. But it does give clarity to us as to how off they are and how they do not see humor the way a healthy person does....

Windmill, I 100% agree. They are bullies.

Trees

[olivegirl]

Every single time I would object to my narc parents' snideness, pettiness, badmouthing and schadenfreude of others:

"This is the way I am.  If you don't like it, too bad."

 
  Finally one day, I just had enough.  I understood in that instant they will never change.  No matter how much I begged and pleaded.  I could no longer live in denial or hang onto hope.


They think it makes them superior in some odd way.  I think it makes them look pathetic.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi olivegirl,

I hear that. Having this grown adult insist on doubling down on their own crappy behaviour is so miserable to deal with. They are basically saying "yeah, I lack empathy, deal with it".

Well the only real way to deal with their lack of empathy is to limit contact, and let them enjoy their life as someone who lacks compassion for others. If they want to learn how to have empathy, they can pick up a book on it. Not like there is no way to learn it if they put in the effort.

I agree with you, there is no point begging them to change. They just defend their right to be childish and uncaring of others.

No one with healthy empathy will ever want to be in any sort of real relationship with them. That is on them.

Trees