Need help getting over the past

[Adria]

I never come to the marriage forums because they used to be too triggering for me.  I was just trying to keep it together on some level the best I could.
However, I am here now because I need help moving forward with my dh.  The last 30 years of marriage to him have been quite difficult.  He is an ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholics), so that comes with many challenges.  He has had many narc tendencies as well as mood issues over the years.  Although, his childhood issues have done a lot of damage to our marriage, he has been a wonderful step father to my children, a great provider, and has always been faithful.  Unlike my first husband.

He has hurt me severely a lot over the years with his childish antics.  But, something has changed. He became quite ill over the last few months and is on an upswing with this health. He seems to have done a complete 180 as far as being relational.  I asked him the other day what he did with my husband?  He said, "I'm different now."  I asked, "Why?"  He said, the illness scared him and he decided to make some serious changes.  He has made changes in the past, stopped drinking, and running away every time something didn't go his way.  But, this time he seems really different. Actually, very pleasant to live with.

This is all great! However, I'm having a hard time.  It seems that now that I'm able to relax more, things from the past keep cropping up, and sometimes, I am taking it out on him.  I desperately want to let everything go and move forward with him. But, he has squelched my love for him so many times over the years, that it seems very hard and foreign to be super loving and let my guard down.  I'm sure we will have our set backs. He has even been going to classes to improve. and he is excited to learn about all the ways he's done things wrong.

I'm really happy, but cautious I suppose. Does anyone have any advice on how to proceed from here.  It's like a strange new world, but it looks like sunny days are ahead, if only, I can get past the past.

[notrightinthehead]

Adria, I am certain you have many reasons why you don't let your guard down. How long has this change been? Give it time. Give it at least a year. Wait to find out if it is permanent.
The reason why the old resentments keep boiling up might be that it is safe now. Before, there might have been reasons why you couldn't  face or feel your anger, and now it pops up for you to process it. I have had good success with writing my anger down, putting it all on paper and then tearing it up and throwing it away.  It seemed to help me release the anger. Good luck!

[Adria]

Thank you Notrightinthehead,

The reason why the old resentments keep boiling up might be that it is safe now.

Interesting.  I bet you are right.  He was always the one who got to get angry.  I was never allowed. 
It has been about six months where I have seen this change.  He is bending over backwards doing nice things for me.  Says he wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me.  He's even been in tears over the past.  He hasn't cried in 30 years that I know of. 

It's like he's a different person, vulnerable and empathetic.  I'm so used to living the other way, it's really hard to deal with and surprising.  I guess I'm surprised at myself for sometimes wanting to take advantage of that like he used to with me. But, that is not who I am or want to be.  It's all catching me totally off guard. 

I think his family has been giving him a pretty good dose lately, and he is recognizing that he acted just like they do, and doesn't like it.  Anyway.  I'm sure I will get past this.  I like your idea of writing it down and throwing it away.  Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate them.

[square]

Hi Adria,

I'm glad to hear of the positive direction your marriage has taken.

I support your caution. Six months is long enough to take seriously but not long enough to be considered permanent. I really hope it becomes permanent.

I can relate to the feeling you have of this anger buried inside. My husband has worked on himself but while he has made a huge effort to keep his rage under control and to be a better person, I can't actually be honest with him or lean on him in any way. Still, it is a huge relief that my daily life has been nearly free of the rages, for some time (maybe a year).

I dealt with the prior issues by just throwing them down the well and moving on. There is a lot of stuff buried that I haven't looked at, honestly most I could not recall right now - but not because it was no big deal.

Sometimes I'm just minding my own business and something pops up. And I just feel this rage. There are some truly terrible things. And I will never get his acknowledgment about any of them, he will never be able to make any type of restitution. So the burden will always be mine to carry, and I not only resent it, I'm not even sure how I can proceed at all.

It's not enough to simply stop the harm.

So I have zero advice, I'm sorry. Just wanted to say, you're not alone.

[Srcyu]

He expects everything to be forgiven and forgotten.

Any indication from him at all that he might be backsliding would be like a slap in the face.
Upfront it all looks great, yet an area of your brain is thinking, "but what about when he did that and what about when this happened ..... ?" Part of you is still hurt and needs to be recognised.

When an angry memory resurfaces, it might help if you can remind yourself that he probably wouldn't do that now and that he couldn't help it when he did. Each recollection will try and make you punish your dh which is when the mantra of - "he wouldn't do it now (etc)" could maybe help.



milly

[Adria]

Square,

Sometimes I'm just minding my own business and something pops up. And I just feel this rage.

Oh, yeah!  I woke up that way this morning. Dh is out of town on business, and I had all these thoughts going through my head, still trying to shake it off.  He comes from a family that prides themselves on how crafty their meanness is, so he's a natural.  I do believe he is really fighting against it and trying to be a better man. He has acknowledged what he is done and apologized extensively (which he would have never been able to do in the past),  but like you say, sometimes "It's not enough to stop the harm."  It's been so many years, just like with my family.  I've had to forgive and throw it off just to survive with them.  It's been like that with dh. He's lucky I had prior training and my ability to put up with crap is so high.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this as well. I guess all we can do is keep hoping and praying for better days. Hugs, Adria


Windmill,

Upfront it all looks great, yet an area of your brain is thinking, "but what about when he did that and what about when this happened ..... ?" Part of you is still hurt and needs to be recognised.

Yup, you got it!  I'm hoping, in time, that will change, but I feel like he has a lot more apologizing to do and more acknowledgement.

I like your mantra of "He wouldn't do it now."  Maybe in time, I'll be able to use that.  I guess right now I'm still holding my breath in some ways. 

Thank you for your help. Hugs, Adria

[phlox]

Adria, I'm curious if you've felt any differences in the time it's been since you initially posted this. I'm asking because I struggle with the same feelings. I just can't get seem to get completely over my rage at the years of abuse my BPDh inflicted. And I still view his (mostly positive) actions quite cautiously.

Have you been able to make any progress on this?

[Mary]

I feel like sometimes we have such a strong "self preservation" brain pathway etched that it's hard to retrain our brains to not be constantly on the negative. My DH recently moved back in the house from staying in the RV for over a year. It's a great change, especially for the kids, but I'm having similar issues as you.
Mary

[phlox]

Mary, thanks for the reply. My DH complains bitterly that while he has changed I still frequently respond to him cautiously - like he's going to continue his old patterns. I have told him that it will take significant time to build a trusting relationship but he is impatient.

I often think that there is simply too much water under the bridge for us to be able to have a fully trusting relationship with each other. This is ok for me at this point in my life, but he is clearly unhappy that I'm not able to just overlook the many years of abuse. I can't stop feeling that this is simply a consequence he's going to have to live with, if he wants to remain together as a family unit. Like you said - my self-preservation is taking precedence now over making him feel good.

[Mary]

Hmm, sounds like a bit of a relapse that he cannot be patient with your need for caution. But still, I'm very glad for all of the good changes. We can be thankful for all of those and try not to overstress that not everything is perfect.
Cheers,
Mary