I left

[SeaBreeze]

I left. Nearly 2 months earlier than planned. Which throws me in a bit more of a bind than if I'd stuck to the plan. But I'm in a safe place for the night. Argued with myself the whole way not to make a U-turn and, quite literally, stayed focused on the road ahead while trying not to get sick...

[Poison Ivy]

You've got this, SeaBreeze. Your safety is the most important thing.

[square]

I'm so impressed. Well done.

[escapingman]

Well done, stay safe and take care!

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Seabreeze, congratulations. Your head knows the right way.

My feet are still stuck in the mud. I know what I need do, it is tough walking out the door for the last time. I admire your courage and resolve.

Focus on yourself, staying safe and your future.

Please keep writing so we know what is going on in your life.

[SonofThunder]

+1 to all replies thus far.  I will keep your courageous journey in thought and prayer.  Stay the course!

SoT

[hhaw]

SB:

Do you feel you're safety will be an issue once your stbx realizes you aren't coming back?

What is your gut telling you?

Do you have a support system in place?

I know how difficult it is to do what you've done.

You're very brave and I'm sending you strength and calm for the days ahead. 

This too shall end.

Hang in there....remember to breathe from the bottom of your lungs to the top.... long and slow....... keep your head where your feet are, do what you can and try not to worry....... try to put this down and do something nice for yourself, no matter how small.  Self care is key, IME.

[JollyJazz]

Awesome!!! 😎

[Boat Babe]

This is the bravest thing you've done Seabreeze. You absolutely rock.

Like everyone said, focus first and foremost on your safety. Then take all the time you need to stabilize yourself. You are going to be hit by a ton of emotions and if you were trauma bonded it's going to be a rough ride for a couple of months. Hang on till the feelings subside and you can start to see clearly again. Keep talking to us here. We will support you emotionally and try to give you the best information to guide you through the first turbulent weeks/months after fleeing an abusive, toxic and controlling headfuck of a "relationship".  Again, you have shown amazing courage and we are all here for you. Hugs

[JustKeepTrying]

So in awe of your strength! 

[SeaBreeze]

Thank you, everyone. This site and all of you here have been a big part of my journey coming Out of the FOG.

I safely reached my destination. I was able to rearrange and secure a different place to stay until the original place is available. My 2 adult kids are here as well as other family, so I have a supportive loving network around me.

After being numb the past few years, I've been overwhelmed with this sudden onslaught of emotions. I moved past Fear but the Obligation and Guilt are really kicking in. I continue remembering to breathe, sit with the emotions, and analyze them as what they are and not mistake them as signs I'm supposed to go back or have stayed. I'll be honest, even knowing better, it's still hard.

Do you feel you're safety will be an issue once your stbx realizes you aren't coming back?

hhaw, based on past experience, he could go a few directions. He seems hurt but calm, but also doesn't deal well with being alone so he may disregulate the longer I'm gone. I'm hoping for best case scenario but prepared for worst with plans in place to document or report any harassment or threats.

My stomachs a mess, but I'm focusing on logistics. Made a shopping list today for some of the things I left behind. Washed my clothes (what few I packed). Also remembering self-care. I'll keep everyone posted. Thank you again!

[SonofThunder]

Hi Seabreeze,

A great update and its good to read you are being so well prepared and mindful. 

I find the emotion surges come in surges, so I have learned to expect them, recognize them on their arrival, understand they are part of the process and let them remind me that I am a caring human being, and that I am slowly and steadily in a sort-of detox from having been used as a host to parasitic behaviors masked as a marital relationship.

Im not sure what it feels like for females departing from males, but for me as a male, Ive prior described my emotion surges like I have abandoned a very young daughter in a very scary place.  Since my wife lives in victim mode, that helps to amplify the surges and cause them to be consistent in frequency.  As you well stated:  "..not mistake them as signs I'm supposed to go back or have stayed."

Fear of Abandonment (foa) is imo, the foundational trait of a PD and it expresses itself in different ways.  PD's cannot deal with their foa so they must suppress it somehow when it rises upward.  Physically being alone is a huge problem for many PD people and you wrote about that with your husband.  For my stbx, foa shifts her victim mode into high gear and others around her become highly sympathetic.  She also creates ways to deal with her foa, and although those may be temporary relief, they ultimately lead to greater victimization as her schedule gets extremely busy and her friends group keeps expanding for fresh sympathy. Therefore, since victimization always needs a persecutor, my assigned persecutor role becomes more widespread and is kept fresh, as she expands her circles. This easily becomes a smear campaign, so I just expect it. 

I want to encourage you to preserve your energy regarding the expanding waves created by your husbands humongous foa victim-boulder being dropped (by you) into the lake of your married and family life.  Everyone connected to you, he, and you two as a couple, who live along the shore of your relationships lake, will experience the waves of undesired experiences because of your departure. Because of his drama-triangle roles and foa, the waves will be taller than they should be, have a steady frequency to their arrival, and result in negative, interruptive consequences on these people. 

The PD utilizes these wave consequences on others in victim mode, but also imo, feeds on them as well.  Over time, these innocent people who live around your lake, will get tired of their arrival and will self-protect.  After a while, the smear campaign gets old, and your prior good personal reputation will rule the day, as these people realize you are simply in quiet survival mode.  Eventually the truth of the role reversal (the real victim) will rear its own head, and I encourage you to relax and let that occur on its own, by the PD very own actions and reactions over time. They will eventually reveal the truth.  Truth will defend itself. 

Your energy needs to be conserved and focused on moving forward and healing.  The PD wants to suck you into this foa/victim drama so you try and defend yourself.  I have learned to not discuss my separation, nor my prior marriage with anyone who lives along the lake, but only trusted and disconnected people, such as my friends here at Out of the FOG and very few others.  You will be misunderstood and thats ok, as its the goal of the PD in foa-victimization.  I let the misunderstandings just sit there and time will do its own thing. 

Again great job!  Take good care of yourself and I will be keeping you in thought and prayer.

SoT

[SeaBreeze]

Thank you SoT for your well-thought, well-stated comments as always. I am indeed feeling Guilt for having left him behind, all alone. But I do know from past separations (as well as how he presented when I first met him in the wake of his prior relationship's demise) that he can ramp up the sympathy points from others, in between the rages and odd behaviors toward his ex. He's less aggressive and volatile than his younger years, and I'm less scared of him than our earlier years, but I am still alert in the event he goes hot.

I also went thru a huge smear campaign from my first husband and his family, over 2 decades ago. I ignored them until they moved onto new targets, Time eventually came out on the side of truth, many years later, leaving me quietly vindicated. I guess this is where being old, of a "certain age", helps with having gained experience. Lol sigh

I'm careful what I say due to flying monkeys. He used his spy network against me over the years til I pretty much stopped talking to anyone, leading to my isolation. It was my kids, as they matured, each coming to me in private and asking "WTH is wrong with Dad, why do you put up with this" that I gradually came to realize I wasn't crazy. At the same time, I'm no longer afraid to be honest about his abuse, but I am still cautious who I'm honest with. I'm several states away but still here on Out of the FOG in incognito mode....

I woke up this morning feeling sick with grief all over again. I'm processing ii, but it still hurts. Thank you again for listening.

[hhaw]

SeaBreeze:

I'm learning new things and don't understand enough about them to share, bc I've yet to put them into practice.... yet.

I will say I began regarding  my dysfunctional past chosen relationships as symptoms and not as "the actual problems" or origins of the chaos/self sabotage/people pleassing/co dependency pattners in my life.

Defining causes and symptoms suddenly seems so very important and obvious to me.....
now.

I know your imminent divorce and stbx's reactions take up most of your bandwidth right now..... I get that.  Been there, had to do it that way, but I wish I'd had more information and perspective in those years.  It was all panic, reactivity and putting out fires.

You seem to have a handle on self reflecting and sitting with discomfort long enough to identify it as NOT WHO YOU ARE. 

That's huge and I'm going to post about 2 books I'm reading on that part of the forum.....but also list them here, for you, in case you feel they'd be helpful.

CONQUeRING SHAME AND CODEPENDCENCY by Darlene Lancer and
THE  DISEASE TO PLEASE by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D.

I suggest them to you,bc it's a bit like peeking behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz...... sometimes if feels like these authors were IN the room with me during my childhood...... speaking truths and facts.... explaining my experiences TO ME and that's been very helpful.

They aren't easy reads, so consider that as you fill your time right now.  You might be better served with something like PEACE IS EVERY STEP by Thich Nhat Hanh as you practice observing and not following your thoughts and feelings down rabbit holes,but there's GOLD in these books, IME.

I've shifted focus from identifying my dysfunctional marriages as "problems" to "symptoms" and there's not lasting change unless I deal with my causes and conditions, opposed being distracted by my symtoms.

About the guilt your stbx will wield like a hammer over you, with certainty.  Expect to feel like you're a sociopath when you put up proper boundaries and prioritize self care without veering off into self sabotaging ditches just to ease the discomfort you feel.

You can sit what that feeling....KNOW you aren't a sociopath and understand THIS is a big part of your causes and conditions.

Not caretaking  your stbx....
resisting the urges to soothe him and his emotions.....
refusing to feel responsible for controlling his feelings will be a piece of your journey and I want you to know it's normal to do these things........ that you feel gutted and dysregulated by the thought,much less DOING these things, is a message and I believe you'll find some of the pieces you need to find your truth in these books.

We all find our own ways, in our own time and you will find yours.  I know you will.

If you have the resources and access, your journey will benefit from a good Trauma Informed  Therapist's input, support and validation...... guidance........ fellowship, IME.

There are many who aren't good fits, so interviewing many is a good thing to find one you resonate with, IME.

Good luck, you're doing so well.

[SonofThunder]

Thank you SoT for your well-thought, well-stated comments as always. I am indeed feeling Guilt for having left him behind, all alone. But I do know from past separations (as well as how he presented when I first met him in the wake of his prior relationship's demise) that he can ramp up the sympathy points from others, in between the rages and odd behaviors toward his ex. He's less aggressive and volatile than his younger years, and I'm less scared of him than our earlier years, but I am still alert in the event he goes hot.

I also went thru a huge smear campaign from my first husband and his family, over 2 decades ago. I ignored them until they moved onto new targets, Time eventually came out on the side of truth, many years later, leaving me quietly vindicated. I guess this is where being old, of a "certain age", helps with having gained experience. Lol sigh

I'm careful what I say due to flying monkeys. He used his spy network against me over the years til I pretty much stopped talking to anyone, leading to my isolation. It was my kids, as they matured, each coming to me in private and asking "WTH is wrong with Dad, why do you put up with this" that I gradually came to realize I wasn't crazy. At the same time, I'm no longer afraid to be honest about his abuse, but I am still cautious who I'm honest with. I'm several states away but still here on Out of the FOG in incognito mode....

I woke up this morning feeling sick with grief all over again. I'm processing ii, but it still hurts. Thank you again for listening.

SeaBreeze,

Yes indeed, very familiar with the guilt feelings and again, my emotion surges come in waves. I have learned to ride them up, over and down. Wash, rinse, repeat. Sorry to read this is not your first PD circus and sorry you have experienced the smear campaign prior. 

Your wise comments tell me that you are being very mindful about it all.  That ability to step aside, rise up high and look down from end-to-end in understanding, is priceless.  Keep up the great work and I tip my hat to you.  You have so many comrades here on Out of the FOG who understand and we are ready to listen. You are not alone in this journey and keep posting!

SoT