Those weird "quirks" that turn out to be a direct result of being raised by PDs

[Cat of the Canals]

I started going gray at 19... makes me wonder if it could be a symptom of being a child of PD parents?

Then cut my hair really short, complete with crooked fringe/bangs, just before I started school and other kids teased me for looking a like a boy.

Then once that grew out, I *had* to have it long and unstyled throughout my primary and secondary schooling. Pair this with super modest clothing (think shirred corduroy peasant dresses over high necked blouses, thick tights and sensible shoes, which also had to match what my four years younger sister wore).

OK, you just reminded me that she cut my hair into AN EFFING MULLET when I started kindergarten. When I asked her years later why on Earth she gave me a mullet, her response was, "You didn't have enough hair to cut it any other way!" Make that logic make sense.

For picture day, she made me wear a turtleneck and a boxy corduroy dress she'd handmade. A very midwest church wife look for sure. And the number of times I remember her ranting about how "there's no need to make children's clothes so SLUTTY!"

[chowder]

Oh, the hair.  PD mother always dictated the haircut I had to get.  It was the pixie, which I came to dread.  All my friends had longer flowing hair that was styled, but not me.  At an age when you start having crushes on boys, etc., the boys in my class did nothing but ridicule me:  Hey, Chowder, look at your hair now, it's actually two inches long instead of one inch!  Followed by mocking laughter.

I think it's no accident that I didn't date much,  had no confidence, and had no sense of style with clothing, either.   I was the only one without a date for my high school prom, so I couldn't go.  I went to the after parties, wanting so much to be a part of it somehow, but then being solo among all the couples just drove me to leave early anyway.

Looking back, my grammar school graduation photos are awful.  What was most cruel was that my mother recruited my dad to be her participant.  They knew I would not want to go for this extremely short haircut and I would likely push back on it in the house.  So my dad would fool me into thinking I was going shopping with him.  He claimed we were going for a cherry Coke at the local soda fountain, which was a real treat for just the two of us.  Then as soon as he got me outside on the sidewalk, he told me what was really happening, knowing I would not carry on about it outside in public.  This was underhanded, mean and sneaky.   And it was a harbinger of things to come from the two of them, which is for another thread, and which eventually led to my going NC.   Her sneakiness, cruelty and manipulation only got worse as she aged.  My dad was always her partner, and I always wished he would have stood up to her, but it was not to be.

PD mom was not only not supportive, but she was downright jealous.  She was so envious when I got my driver's license at 17, and that is something she never had in her life.  She worked diligently to tear me down any chance she could.  Dad stood by watching, and also spent 7 nights of the week out at his local club.

Meanwhile, I'm still self-conscious when going into a salon.   I was never exposed to the nicer grooming rituals.  The hair and nails are still a work in progress.

[NotCryingGlitter]

Maybe those of us with emotional hair scars, who also have a lack of spa-type days need to treat ourselves one day to whatever haircut/style we want and to get a manicure and pedicure while we are there (if that's something we would do). And maybe that will give us a better experience to remember in those situations, or about those things, so that it will help us push some of the harsh memories back to a certain degree. And we need to take someone with us, so we have someone to celebrate the better memory with.

It makes me think about things I avoid because of bad memories or a lack of good memories/feeling normal about while seeing other people doing it...that maybe I need to do those things, but with someone who cares, so that I will have a good memory to think of first and be able to do something that feels more normal.

Maybe we need to treat ourselves to a little bit of childhood healing by doing some things we missed out on.

[Cat of the Canals]

They knew I would not want to go for this extremely short haircut and I would likely push back on it in the house.  So my dad would fool me into thinking I was going shopping with him.  He claimed we were going for a cherry Coke at the local soda fountain, which was a real treat for just the two of us.  Then as soon as he got me outside on the sidewalk, he told me what was really happening, knowing I would not carry on about it outside in public. 

What an awful thing to go through. It's a shame the people we should have been able to trust the most just... weren't.

I didn't date in high school either. Only looking back do I realize I didn't feel like I could date because of how my mother would try to insert herself into it. My brother once blurted out that I had a crush on a certain boy. A few weeks later, my mother couldn't wait to tell me about how she made friends with his mom at parent-teacher conferences! Talk about mortifying.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh. Gross on the intrusiveness.

I am another one in this boat. I was manipulated in high school into getting the pixie. I carried it off well, but it got me labeled a lesbian. Which was annoying. I had a boyfriend lol. (Yeah, the one whose baby I was supposed to have.) When I decided to grow it out, which is an awkward process for sure, I was further manipulated into curling it like an old lady. My first driver's license photo is of me with this absurd old lady hair.

But salon haircuts every month were always a thing from the time I can remember. Even buying the professional products. Curiously now I don't do any of that stuff, get a haircut 2-3 times per year and take care of my hair generally but don't use "product". But never on the manicures and Herbal Essences is my jam. Haha I wanted to get that brand when I was ten or so so badly. Because of the scent and it was popular. The girls at school told me the salon shampoo smelled like BO. Can't win. But I actually like it now.

This may be a bit off-topic, but my usually unflappable non (but ACON) DH had a major major freak out when I cut my hair short several years into our marriage. I had bad postpartum hair loss. But he literally could not look at me for weeks. I haven't forgotten it, and I don't actually want the maintenance of a short hair cut. But I'm still deeply uncomfortable with the violence of his reaction. Fleas?

[chowder]

Glitter, that's a great idea to do some childhood healing and to be kind to ourselves, mending the hurt that the younger version of ourselves endured.

Cat of the Canals - thanks for the validation.  I've had trust issues throughout life because of the parental patterns and abuse by an older sister that they sat by and watched.  Though sometimes my fine-tuned antenna is more discerning and serves me well.
I can imagine the mortification you felt with that boy and his mother at the parent-teacher conference.  Their need to insert themselves sends things in a whole different direction, doesn't it...

Cordelia, so you suffered through the pixie too ... and what an odd reaction from DH ... hope that somehow you were able to get the post-partum support you needed!

[NotCryingGlitter]

Maybe the girls need to have a sleepover girls spa day, with acting like teenagers after (some 90's movies and boy band dancing, etc.). I'm not sure about the guys, because I'm new here and don't know whose who, but I would imagine any day where you get together with some guys and go buy a Nintendo 64 at Goodwill or something...or do outdoor stuff...or laser tag...would provide good memories to remember when trying to heal.

I think we just need to have a day or two where we get to be the kids we never got to be, but in an appropriate way, so that we have those memories to find comfort in.

And for those of us who have terrible memories with birthday's, for example, we need to make sure that we start to have some good ones, with people that care, even if it means going out of town, so that we have an excuse not to be with the abusers who will ruin it. Or if we didn't get to do enough of things like prom or simple high school dates like going bowling, when we have someone to do that with, either now or in the future, those things need to be recreated and filled with fresh, happy memories.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think we just need to have a day or two where we get to be the kids we never got to be, but in an appropriate way, so that we have those memories to find comfort in.

I hadn't realized until I read this how much I have been trying to do this for myself since coming Out of the FOG. Allowing myself to do things or have experiences I never did before.

PDmom was of the bra-burning hippie era, and thus insisted -- INSISTED -- that I didn't *need* to wear one. Never mind what I wanted. So here I am, almost 40, and I just now figured out my true bra size and will be treating myself to some properly fitted bras for my birthday this year. Better late than never! 

[NotCryingGlitter]

I think we just need to have a day or two where we get to be the kids we never got to be, but in an appropriate way, so that we have those memories to find comfort in.

I hadn't realized until I read this how much I have been trying to do this for myself since coming Out of the FOG. Allowing myself to do things or have experiences I never did before.

PDmom was of the bra-burning hippie era, and thus insisted -- INSISTED -- that I didn't *need* to wear one. Never mind what I wanted. So here I am, almost 40, and I just now figured out my true bra size and will be treating myself to some properly fitted bras for my birthday this year. Better late than never! 

That and your body will feel better/it will be better for you, to have a correct size.

[Ottile]

What an interesting thought provoking thread. I hate the hairdressers and find it quite traumatic. My M organised my haircuts so I looked like a boy. I have small facial features - I looked like an elf! I cannot stand the "please sit square and look up into the mirror"...and as for a head massage, forget it.  I have a longish bob now that requires a quick dry trim and job done.

I loathe the word "fancy" as apparently according to M I had fancy ideas, did fancy cooking, fancied myself as superior, wore fancy clothes (because I worked for a designer in London and got freebies), my slender frame was apparently a deliberate insult to my maternal genes, wore Rive Gauche not Tweed perfume like everyone else yada yada yada. I couldn't do anything right.

She dictated what I wore which wasn't too traumatic but all hell broke loose when I coveted a pair of Levis which she refused to buy.  Why she asked do you want to wear boys clothes? Really?? Saturday job bought those for me, sitting in the bath for the shrink to fit and dyed blue legs.  She hated my young adult look of t shirt, "those boys jeans", loafers and sunglasses. Today still the Levis, waxed jacket and wellies trampling the fields with my cocker. She would disapprove which gladdens my heart.

My dysmorphia over my face was lifted in a very strange way when I had a car accident some years ago.  One of the ambulance crew fitted me with an oxygen mask. His colleague looked over and said "our lady has such a lovely small face so try a child sized mask for her comfort - she's swamped in the adult one".  Despite the trauma and pain I smiled inside.

Despite her derision I think I scrub up pretty well when need be.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I loathe the word "fancy" as apparently according to M I had fancy ideas, did fancy cooking, fancied myself as superior, wore fancy clothes (because I worked for a designer in London and got freebies), my slender frame was apparently a deliberate insult to my maternal genes, wore Rive Gauche not Tweed perfume like everyone else yada yada yada. I couldn't do anything right.

Me too. Except the word they used was "highfalutin". I'm just now starting to embrace it and not be ashamed of having some discriminating tastes. I also have a naturally slim frame. I was underweight as a young person and it was a direct result of all the stress I was under imho. I'm still slim but more normal now, not painfully thin like I was.

[T-dog]

Just reading through this again and remembered having to fight with my mother about the haircut she so wanted me to have, and the perm she almost convinced me to get. There was a teenage character in the soap opera Neighbours who had short hair, cropped just around the top of the ears, which looked great on her and that was used an example of what I would look like with short hair. I'm so glad I resisted getting it that short as I would have looked and felt even worse at the age of 12/13. We compromised with a chin length bob, it looked terrible and I hated it. I have never had it short again and almost enjoy getting my hair cut twice a year in exactly the same long style every time. I respect women who can pull off short hairdos and look great, I also respect that I am not one of them!

There was also the hideous clothing that I had to wear that would often cause me to get picked on. A few years later I would attempt to go shopping with my mum and she would pick out the worst things for me every time. I think she genuinely forgot that I was a teenager and didn't want to dress like her, and that I didn't like the same things. Luckily this was in shops where everything was for the more mature woman so nothing fit me-lucky escape. I still get really anxious going shopping and feel so weird about clothes sometimes.

[sunshine702]

Part of my Narc mom Grandiose "better than everyone else's " behavior is getting her hair cut and colored at a fancy place with HER professional.  So I have a story about this.  She. triangulated us and now she is triangulating the grandkids.  Both Narc source Golden Grandchild H and little girl from my brother's second marriage N came out.  My mother had plans for H and Her to have their hair done at the fancy place.  When new wife found out that N was not invited she put her foot down - "You will take BOTH the kids or NONE.  My mother whined that it was too fancy a place for a CHILD'S haircut.  My mother got told NO.  Both or NONE - I loved the new wife for that - that was awesome!