DD found my search history

[escapingman]

I am not really sure where to put this but I do it here. I have had a few really rough weeks with the divorce and STBX refusing to sign the papers. She really do anything she can to delay and make it hard, all expected of course. In this case I am not emotionally hurt as I am pretty much indifferent.

However, to my completely unexpected dilemma.

DD borrowed my phone to listen to some music on a streaming service, I didn't think much about it. But she came back to me and said she used my YouTube and asked me what about my search history - obviously lots of searches about narcissism, abuse and recovery. I had to briefly talk about it as she had already started googling it. How do I tackle this now? I doubt she will forget about it as she told me that NPD that she googled seemed to be related to child abuse. She seems OK now, but I am not sure how she react if she starts running with this - she is only a young teenager and is already struggling with what her mum has been doing to her.

Obviously in an ideal world I would have happily told her the entire story, but is she ready for anything close to the truth? I am a bit concerned now.

[Poison Ivy]

I don't have any suggestions right now, but I did want to let you know that I read your post and will think about it.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Everything should be okay. You are not forcing her to seek answers. It is actually a good thing she is also seeking answers.

Think best when they connect the dots themselves. Guessing, she will ask more if / when she is ready. Let your daughter lead.
Wait a couple days and see what happens.

My guess is what would happen to you if someone started talking about NPD before you were ready to hear the message???

What ever happens, you both are in a much better place.

Be patient with the divorce and yourself.

[square]

In my opinion

I would be very careful not to link her mother and NPD. She can do that on her own if she wants but imho thr message from you is just "some resources have good advice on how to handle some difficult relationships. I'm not saying your mom has NPD, I really have no idea, but a lot of resources have been helpful for me to understand how *I* can better behave and protect myself."

And then just ask her questions. Did you see anything that stood out to you? Anything that bothered you?

I'd emphasize the work you are doing for yourself, being a more centered person etc, rather than on NPD.

I'd feel fine about discussing behaviors, though - gaslighting, blame shifting, etc. Maybe avoid the labrls but still describe the behavior.

I'd personally be willing to deny to DD I believed my stbx had NPD. Or rather to say I have no idea and dismiss the idea and just focus on behaviors - hers and mine.

Why? You do not want DD saying to her mother during a conflict "Dad says you're a narcissist." You're out but that will blow back on DD.

You also do not for DD's sake want to define her mother to that degree. DD needs to figure out for herself who her mother is to her, whether NPD is part of that or not.

[Rose1]

I think it depends on the kid. My oldest is medically inclined and was studying psychology in high school.

She was aware of npd etc. Whether she connected this to her father and grandmother at the time ,in not sure but she certainly does now as an adult. She also had a shot at her grandmother about it in her early 20s and that was a dumb idea
However the end result has been good. She certainly does not blame herself for their issues and with the amount of parental alienation that was flying around, she could have.

I tend to agree that they ask questions at their own pace but during your divorce proceedings it would be best to keep it very chill

[escapingman]

DD hasn't mentioned it again, sometimes she has a memory like a gold fish so hopefully it just pass her without her thinking more about it.

It's a bit annoying as I tend to guard my computer from her so she won't stumble across this kind of things. What I really hadn't thought about is that all my youtube searches and views that I do on my laptop also shows up on the mobile as I use the same account. Although I rarely use the phone for youtube so it didn't cross my mind. If she ever asks again I will let her lead the conversation and not give her a full blown diagnosis.

DD is still not seeing STBX and she has told me several times she is to scared to see her. She want to see her but she just doesn't know how, STBX has shot herself a bit in the foot here as she has refused it to be supervised by an independent social worker, and so far this is the only way DD would see her. However, since the pressure on DD to see her has stopped for now DD is so much happier and in a good space. I obviously don't want to stop her from seeing her mum, but I am very concerned for how she would react emotionally. STBX is sending DD a lot of messages, I don't know what she is saying other than when DD tells me, it really doesn't sound like she is acting like an adult but more like she is trying to make DD jealous of what she is missing out on. DD can see through this and can manage the contact over phone reasonable well.

[SonofThunder]

Hi EM,

Im going to suggest something odd. It's not stated in criticism, but rather simply what I see in your writing. I will suggest you consider it in mindfulness.

The suggestion is to go back and look at some of the threads you have started since you began to live separately from your stbx.  I believe a pattern of overreaction is becoming visible in your posts.  The hills of your rollercoaster don't have to be as tall as you build them.  Ive said in a prior thread that I benefit from sitting in the rear car and looking backwards, as doing that helps me to alter the track design ahead to smooth out my rollercoaster ride.

Therefore my suggestion to you is to breathe.... When things like this thread occur, I just breathe and let time turn unknowns to knowns instead of the tremendous output of anxiety over unknowns.  Look at your pattern in writing.  Typically a huge concern turns into a misperception about the seriousness or truthfulness of what actually occurred.  Unknowns become knowns over time.  Sure, It may feel good to write about these events here on Out of the FOG, as a form of anxiety release, and also get some feedback; I understand that and keep posting!  But time spent, is time spent. Time is energy.

I desire what is best for myself and others and imo, large amounts of energies consumed on 'what-ifs/unknowns' is not the best use of energy.  Live your daydreams my friend. 

In forward encouragement intentions always,

SoT

[escapingman]

SoT, thanks for your reply and feedback. This was definitely not a panic moment and I really just wanted to see what others had to offer. If it came across as another me losing my cool I am sorry, that was not my intention. I genuinely don't know how to best talk about STBX with DD, she is very aware and she often start conversation about something really odd she heard from her mum or grand mother. I was wondering if there are any books I can share with her that explains like "Stop caretaking the BPD and NPD" but for a young teenager.

A big thanks to all for replying to me.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with other commenters that telling your daughter that you think her mom has a personality disorder could easily backfire. I think it's more useful to discuss and engage in problem solving about behaviors. Avoid diagnoses.

[SonofThunder]

Great suggestions here as always. Just a couple things I would add:

1. There are literally millions of narcissists in the world. If my kids found videos like that on my phone, it would be easy to say, "I'm just trying to better understand this disorder that is common among politicians, church leaders and co-workers." There's no reason to connect it to your STBX. I have PD coworkers too, so that's an easy out.

It's probably good for our kids to have some awareness of narcissism, even without relating it to our own relationships ... so they can know what to watch out for when they get older at church, school, work and life.

2. Google "how to prevent YouTube from showing watch history". This is an easy setting to change on your computer and phone, whether you are signed in or out. Ive done this and it just shows random videos on the Home Screen.

Very practical.  I like it that way.

SoT

[SonofThunder]

If it came across as another me losing my cool...

Did not come across that way, EM.  Rather just worries and contemplation about the unknown.  Waiting is hard for me.  I want to turn unknowns to knowns asap.  Im learning to breathe, wait a few days/a week and see what happens.  Usually nothing.  While I wait, I try and refocus on getting on with living.

I like user's practical advice to your original thread question. 

SoT