Having trouble walking away from a narcissist

[smile1217]

Am I experiencing reactive abuse by a narcissist or am I actually crazy?

I've been involved with someone who was going through a divorce and has now been officially divorced for about 4 months. His wife filed about a year ago & officially signed papers 4 months ago. Long story short, he says we're "just friends" but has discussed marrying me, meeting his family, moving in, told me I was his child's "new mommy" (I know...I know) and even told me that "being in love" with me scares him. All the while saying I'm just a close friend he feels nothing for. He told me he loved me & then the next day swore up & down that he never said it. If I explain that he makes me feel like a convenience at times if a new girl comes along he tells me what I'm feeling "isn't real" He also started AA two months ago. There's been so many inconsistencies within this situation with words matching actions & I have become so frustrated that I've begun to have explosive reactions & then immediately regret them afterwards. Recently he told me I have been "so emotionally unstable" & that it's extremely "selfish" of me being emotionally unstable because he's been "transparent" the entire time we've been involved...we've been in a few arguments

recently & he blocked me to which I got a texting app to text him on & he would have conversations with me on them. last night he was wanting me to drop a gift off at his house & he misunderstood my text & immediately got pissed that I hadn't dropped it & threatened a restraining order against me telling me I was "insane" & that he has no idea what I'm capable of (I have never threatened him ever) BUT then still wanted me to drop off the gift "peacefully & go our separate ways" feel like I'm going crazy & am questioning am I actually emotionally unstable & I'm begin to feel guilt now. I have begun no contact but I am feeling extremely defeated & genuinely crazy. I know I need to walk away I just feel so lost & confused. any advice is great & appreciated

[InTheDragonsDen]

If your head and your heart are at odds, you will find your head is always right.

Think you know the answer and you are one of the lucky ones to reach this point so early.

Keep reading and learning. Dr. Ramani's youtube series will be helpful.

Take care of yourself.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this informative and supportive space! I totally agree with you, it would be much better to walk away, block him and never have any contact with him again. You want a relationship where you feel relaxed, loved, accepted, not one that leaves you confused, rejected and crazy.  You might want to start looking into your own self esteem and self image and find out why you would even consider such a person worthy of your emotional energy.
Check out  https://outofthefog.website/traits/  for more information on what you are dealing with  and  Toolbox for strategies on how to protect yourself better.  See you around on the boards.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I wonder if anyone ever walks away from a PD or otherwise toxic relationship not feeling defeated, lost and confused.  I didn't.  Part of being exposed to the FOG machine they are.  It takes some time and distance, I think, to get the perspective to really clear out the FOG.  I know of no better way of doing it than going NC.  If they can't communicate with you they can't gaslight you. 

Anyway, asking someone to wait patiently for him while he keeps every option open, from being free as a bird to tying you down with vows and all things in between sounds like a pretty bad, self-serving offer to me.  Read the tools, if you haven't, and the posts, and keep checking in and letting us know how you're doing.  You've got some great support here while going NC.  A number of us here have done it.  Yes, it can be hard in the beginning, but sticking with it has been soooo worth it!  (It's been 3+ yrs for me now.)   I wish you luck!

[hhaw]

He's gaslighting you.

The better question is.....
Why do you doubt your own ears and experience in favor of this dishonest and inconsistent man's projections and lies to make you feel crazy?

You're giving yourself away in hopes this person will keep promises, be kind and honor you.

He won't, ime, but I don't see him as a problem.  I see him as messenger and catalyst for self reflection to identify why you put your needs last/not on the list, don't trust your perceptions or honor yourself and protective instincts.

Most folks landing on this forum deal with similar issues.  Most stem from childhood survival strategies keeping us safe tears ago, but don't in adulthood.

This man isn't your problem....he's likely your wake up call and that's a really good thing, ime.

[smile1217]

I wonder if anyone ever walks away from a PD or otherwise toxic relationship not feeling defeated, lost and confused.  I didn't.  Part of being exposed to the FOG machine they are.  It takes some time and distance, I think, to get the perspective to really clear out the FOG.  I know of no better way of doing it than going NC.  If they can't communicate with you they can't gaslight you. 

Anyway, asking someone to wait patiently for him while he keeps every option open, from being free as a bird to tying you down with vows and all things in between sounds like a pretty bad, self-serving offer to me.  Read the tools, if you haven't, and the posts, and keep checking in and letting us know how you're doing.  You've got some great support here while going NC.  A number of us here have done it.  Yes, it can be hard in the beginning, but sticking with it has been soooo worth it!  (It's been 3+ yrs for me now.)   I wish you luck!

I'm just feeling upset & really blaming myself hard. He asked for space & I didn't give it to him & I feel like I ultimately pushed him away or pushed him to the breaking point....I'm on day 2 of not talking to him but he has me blocked...which makes me feel worse

[Boat Babe]

Hello Smile and welcome to the forum. I agree with everything that has been said and my advice is to never see this person again. The red flags are huge. There are predatory, abusive people out there who USE other people for their own sick and twisted agendas. You do not need that in your life. There are people on here, myself included, who have had relationships with highly toxic and damaging people that left them in shreds, with zero self esteem/confidence, with physical ailments and much much worse.  This person will mess with your head, your heart and your life.  Listen to your gut and override the pull towards a toxic person. 
You also need to start investigating yourself. We all benefit from compassionate internal enquiry and if you have had a crappy childhood then you are vulnerable to more of the same. I would start with looking at your ACE score. The Adverse Childhood Experience scale is eye opening. People experience considerable difficulties in most areas of their lives once they score 4 and over. Once you know what you're dealing with I suggest you explore the ideas around codependency and complex PTSD.
This might actually be the moment in which your life starts to turn around. It's often darkest just before the dawn.