My push / pull

[InTheDragonsDen]

When we are apart for a few hours, I want the wife I imagined. 

When we are together, I see who she is inside and I want run.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Which is me trying to hold onto my imaginary wife, my imaginary life, trying to find a way to change the outcome, trying to avoid reality, trying to convince myself there is more than just one solution.......... which I think everyone who has left their PD partner has gone through a million times in their mind......

Silly me for wanting the illusion, ignoring each and every red flag, just to hold onto for just 1 more day something that was never real.

Yet I am at peace, I know what must be done, I know one day the illusion will evaporate like an early morning mist. My wife knows or senses me moving farther and farther away. She has her past history where her partner left her, she brought him back, and then he left for good as she totally destroyed him in an epic way. She knows that she could bring me back once and that was 3 years ago, she knows that I have figured things out, not by my words, but by me not reacting the same, she told me she had a dream, in the dream I left and no matter how she tried to reach me, she couldn't. She said in her dream her calls were never answered again and I deleted all my social media. Yet, she just gives more punishment instead of trying to work together.

Writing here helps. Sorry I am writing so much.

[StartingHealing]

@InTheDragonsDen

Write! write till your fingers bleed and then write some more. 

Having people that have gone through similar trials and tribulations, we "savvy".

I fully savvy the push / pull.   In my case, it took some severe talk (Jocko Willnick) for me to "get it".  Plus I had been non-contact for a while.

The love bombing at the beginning is a hell of a drug man.  Add in intermittent reinforcement and us non-pd folks get flummoxed and start losing our "place" not to mention family, friends, etc.   And as a guy, I had the "marriage googles" on for a long damn time.

Till she beat them off of me.  It didn't get to physical violence but it was really close.

It's tough to get to that place where you can see things in a more objective way.

Keep on, keeping on. 

Wishing you all the best

[square]

You're in the process, this is how it works. You come to a realization. You see things differently. But you hope. Maybe you can fix it. Maybe you can get through to her. Maybe she can change back. You realize something else and you let go of those ideas a little more. But maybe. Maybe maybe maybe. You realize changing back isn't possible because this was who she was all along. You turn and face the unknown. It's scary. The known is scary. At least you know the known. But you are less and less able to tolerate it. You edge out toward the unknown.

It's basically the process of grieving. You deny it, you accept it a bit, you deny it, you face it a bit more. You bargain, maybe you can figure out a way to fix it. You feel stuck, you feel angry. Back and forth.

[InTheDragonsDen]

THank you both. Appreciate the support very much.

[seafarer]

You're in the process, this is how it works. You come to a realization. You see things differently. But you hope. Maybe you can fix it. Maybe you can get through to her. Maybe she can change back. You realize something else and you let go of those ideas a little more. But maybe. Maybe maybe maybe. You realize changing back isn't possible because this was who she was all along. You turn and face the unknown. It's scary. The known is scary. At least you know the known. But you are less and less able to tolerate it. You edge out toward the unknown.

It's basically the process of grieving. You deny it, you accept it a bit, you deny it, you face it a bit more. You bargain, maybe you can figure out a way to fix it. You feel stuck, you feel angry. Back and forth.

This is exactly what I am currently going through.  It is hard to let go of someone you love even though you know it can never work.