Whats your earliest memory of trying to leave your FOO?

[SpunHead13]

The more time passes since going NC, the more I realize just how many of my parents behavior were abusive. Today I was reading about Controlling Behavior Disguised as "Caring". It shined a light on a few instances, one in particular stood out.

When I was around 14ys old, I got a job. I really loved having a job and money and even made secret plans to save money for an apartment so I could move out as soon as I turned 16.

One day mom came and told me, with dad kinda standing quietly in the background. That they wanted me to quit the job so I could just focus on school, they wanted to take care of me and provide for what I needed. I was doing fine in school at the time. I believed them and was even excited, thinking they were finally going to become the loving parents id hoped for.

But what ended up happening was that I spent more time at home, their behavior didn't change, the same fights continued, mom still used me as a surrogate husband, I was still left to mostly fend for myself and was still verbally abused. And only now as I write this do I realize that it was at this point of quitting my job, and losing some of the hope and autonomy I'd gained that I began to turn towards drugs and alcohol for comfort.

I think this was the first attempt I made at trying to leave the family. And I got manipulated into staying, to my detriment.

Does anyone else remember early attempts at trying to leave?

[Jolie40]

I went away to college but couldn't make money fast enough to pay room/board so had to return home & commute to local college

got to a point where couldn't stand home & got an attic apt in a house where someone was renting rest of house
guy said I couldn't lock door going up to my apt but I got scared & locked it
turns out he didn't have a key for door & kicked me out for locking door!

I did NOT want to go home so went to Salvation Army where they put me up for a while in a hotel
eventually, I did have to return to parent's house

also, when I was in high school, the mom of my best friend let me live with them for a month

[Cat of the Canals]

I have a similar experience in that I desperately wanted a summer job when I was in high school. My mother forbade it. Her reasons were kind of hilarious, looking back. One was that she wanted me "focused on school." Note I said SUMMER job. The other was she didn't want me doing "mindless work." As if I could go out, at the ripe age of 15, and get a job as a brain surgeon or something.

My brother was two years younger than me and always had more freedom than I did. Naturally, one of the things that happened the year I left for college was my parents let him get a job. During the school year. At a pizza place. So it was never about school or mindless work. My mother hated the idea of me having even a shred of independence.

The first attempt at something like leaving was probably when one of my close friends moved to my neighborhood in 7th grade, and I started spending as much time as I possibly could at her house. Her parents were so unintrusive compared to mine. It was heaven. My mom was definitely jealous and resentful about the whole thing. She got really strict about how I needed to call at so-and-so time or every X hours. And I remember her asking me, in a weird, angry, accusatory tone, "What do you even DO over there all day?!??!" Like we were up to something nefarious.

[SpunHead13]

I find it interesting think think about how far back the instinct to get away goes. Likely it went back much earlier but this was the first instance that I thought I might actually be able to do something about it.

One of the self-doubting thoughts I have is that I initiated the NC "out of nowhere" but the reality is I was trying to leave for a long time.

It was validating to read your similar experiences.

[Leonor]

My happiest childhood memory was when I was 7 years old and in the hospital for heart surgery.

That's how bad I wanted out.

One of my kids was such a sociable little preschooler, however, that when a parent at the park would call, "Okay, kids, time to go home," he would fall in line like a little duckling and we'd have to say, "Dude, they don't mean you." And sometimes even run after him  !

[Andeza]

When I was six or seven I tried to run away to live with the neighbors. Packed my little backpack, sneaked out of the house about 2AM. Yeah I was that kid. The neighbors must have slept like logs though because they didn't come to the door, and I had to go back home. No one would have known if I hadn't forgotten to shut and lock the door when I came back. My parents were massively freaked out.

I still vaguely remember my uBPDm making me swear never to do it again (darn promises had me stuck until college) and wanting to know why. I told her it was because she and dad were fighting too much. Truth was I was sleep deprived because of the yelling and had hit the limit of what I could take.

Little did I know that a few years later she'd start sharing the scapegoat limelight between me and dad. Teen years were hell.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I remember as a preschooler I would play "running away." It was very sad. I would tie up my baby doll and some food from my play kitchen in a blanket and then run to the "woods," but I don't remember where that was. I think it was probably behind the couch. Anywhere I wouldn't be observed. But I'd hug my baby and pretend to hunt for berries.

I remember actually trying to run away once. About five years old. I'd had a fight with my father. I'm sure it was characterized as a tantrum but I remember him screaming at me, not the other way around. I packed a box of my stuff and just walked out the front door. I was about five and I KNOW they saw me leave. My parents were overprotective freaks and on more than one occasion my mother came out in hysterics because I had strayed away from being directly in front of the kitchen window and she didn't see me. I would surely be kidnapped. But I got all the way to the end of the VERY DANGEROUS ROAD.

I stood at the end of the road and pondered my options. I could stand there until I got kidnapped and take my chances. They didn't care if I was kidnapped, apparently. Or wait until dad came and took me home and beat me. Or I could go back now and pretend I never left. I stood there for what felt like a long time, but I took option three. Option two felt more and more certain. Dad was watching TV and didn't move when I came in, but the smirk was there. Victory to him. I went upstairs with my box, put it all away, and cried. My mother eventually came and gave me what was certainly some version of the "head of the household" speech about how we are all dependent on dad and I'd just have to take whatever he dished out. His life is stressful, you see, child.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

When I was 7 years old, I packed a bag of clothes and ran away to my friend's house. I remember wanting to get away from my mother with a burning desire, but do not recall the specifics. Unfortunately, I told her where I was going. To my surprise my friend's family was not home and I just sat on her front porch waiting for her. My mom came by shortly though and convinced me to return home.

I remember her reasoning still to this day. My mom was adopted, and she told me I was so lucky to actually have a family who wanted me. She told me I was lucky to have a real mom and dad. She then told me she was so sad all her life because she never got to have all the abundance of good fortune I did. She said she did not know how I could walk away. Overall, she used shame and guilt to manipulate her kid. 
   
I am proud of myself now for the guts I had at a young age and that I did register something was wrong. I never took such a bold escape again, but planned several ways to get away from my family in my teenage years through babysitting and taking summer classes. I desperately want a regular scheduled job, but my parents said to focus on school and whatever I needed they would give me. I always felt like they were trying to keep me dependent on them, and remain in a power position.

[monamurre]

I don't remember specific instances of trying to leave as a child. BUT, after my big light bulb moment about my mom last Summer I was flooded with memories from my teenage years, where I would day dream about leaving and never returning. I remember imagining my purposeful stride out of that yard and away from that property. I did it often.

I don't think it was even reactions to fights per se....just the intuitive knowledge that my mom was slowly stagnating in a swirl of negativity and was more than willing to take me with her. Her house felt like a vortex that could suck you in if you didn't exert enough effort to pull yourself away. Since I couldn't really get away at that age, I would visualize it over and over, practicing in my mind.

I never imagined it as a happy departure, with parents waving to their offspring with mixed pride and nostalgia. I intuitively knew it wasn't going to be like that. I knew it was going to be a fight and it was going to require resolve. It was and it did.

[sunshine702]

I definitely used jobs to not return home.  I took a summer job after high school to not return home during the summer.  The next year I "took summer classes" 10 hours away.  Honestly that was a great class and helped me graduate on time but boy was I poor.   Like pancakes and popcorn poor every day for months poor.  We slept on the floor.  It sucked but being home sucked worse. 

[DaisyGirl77]

By the time I was 5, I'd packed my things to leave on three separate occasions that I know of, throwing underwear & clothes into a duffel bag, because I couldn't stand my treatment.  I never succeeded; my parents convinced me to stay each time, promising they'd do better.  They never did.  They just got worse.

[InvisibleDaughter]

When I was 16 I asked my boyfriends Mom if I could live with her. Looking back she knew it would be a mess if she said yes, my Mom would have never allowed it.

I ended up getting married at 21, however that marriage didn't las.

[JollyJazz]

Gosh, yes! I remember being 5,6 or 7 and 'running away', things were awful and I remember pleading with my mother at a very young age 'mummy, why are you so mean to me', 'mummy why do you say such mean things? ' anyway, I kind of knew I couldn't run away as a 6 year old, so I just ran off and hid.

My parents made sure that I worked from as soon as I was legally able to to 'help out'. They deliberately kept me extremely poor, despite being comfortably off. I had a roof over my head, but I had to pay for my clothes bus fares, many other things from a young age.

Despite my tiny, minimum wage salary, my mother would also say I had to contribute to the household. Sometimes they would even say I would have to 'pay them back' for bringing me up.

Anyway, I was also not allowed to socialize etc. so I DREAMT of travelling overseas and escaping their control, deliberate social isolation and constant abuse.

Anyway, one year I scraped together an airfare, on my microscopic part time wage. I earned almost nothing and had to pay for basic things while studying full time. I'm so proud of myself for doing that! I had a wonderful adventure.

Anyway, I'm very glad to be an independent adult now!!!

[NotCryingGlitter]

Gosh, yes! I remember being 5,6 or 7 and 'running away', things were awful and I remember pleading with my mother at a very young age 'mummy, why are you so mean to me', 'mummy why do you say such mean things? ' anyway, I kind of knew I couldn't run away as a 6 year old, so I just ran off and hid.

My parents made sure that I worked from as soon as I was legally able to to 'help out'. They deliberately kept me extremely poor, despite being comfortably off. I had a roof over my head, but I had to pay for my clothes bus fares, many other things from a young age.

Despite my tiny, minimum wage salary, my mother would also say I had to contribute to the household. Sometimes they would even say I would have to 'pay them back' for bringing me up.

Anyway, I was also not allowed to socialize etc. so I DREAMT of travelling overseas and escaping their control, deliberate social isolation and constant abuse.

Anyway, one year I scraped together an airfare, on my microscopic part time wage. I earned almost nothing and had to pay for basic things while studying full time. I'm so proud of myself for doing that! I had a wonderful adventure.

Anyway, I'm very glad to be an independent adult now!!!

True parents, loving parents, help out financially because they want to, not because they want to get paid back; they do it out of love. I know exactly what that perception of paying back is like, and it makes me think of how loving parents always put their kids first and want to raise them (everything involved with raising) because they LOVE them -- they would never believe they are financially owed -- the most they would want in return is love back (though, they would still love regardless).

[easterncappy]

My first ever attempts were when I was a little kid. I'd throw all of my toys in a box and try to start the car and drive away. I learned much later that it's not exactly normal for kids to have an obsession with moving away, running away, getting adopted, etc. A toddler or even teenager can say "I hate you", it's developmentally appropriate, but acting like a prisoner trying to escape 24/7 is definitely abnormal. Lol

My first serious attempt was at 13 years old. I've been wanting to write a blog post about this, actually... I fell into the hands of several online groomers who promised to rescue me from my parents because of a combination of "I know I am uncomfortable here" and my parents deciding giving me a computer was easier than spending time with me, lol. This particular attempt involved trying to trick the employees at an airport into letting me fly to Sweden to be with a man I've never met, who was much older than me. I was actually going to try it, I'm glad I never did, and it would have failed catastrophically.

At 17, a much more serious attempt, another much older man online promised to rescue me. I ended up running away to a place five states away from my parents. I stayed for as long as I could until the guy's mom decided this was weird and I need to go home (she paid for his house but wasn't around often). There was actually a lot of abuse there as well, but since I never knew normalcy, it genuinely felt better than what was going on at home. When I got home, I found out that my mom and dad basically fought the entire time and my dad drank even more than usual... it makes me wonder what's going on between them now that I'm NC. They were mad at me that I didn't bring souvenirs. In the mean time, they decided to buy me an actual bed (how am I just now realizing I went 17 years without a real bed?), probably to deter further attempts at escaping?

I know how this all makes me sound. I've heard it all. I'm ashamed of the last part especially.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow EC. My prayer for you today is that shame can be turned to anger and grief and at last peace. You are right that situation is all kinds of messed up. You were a child trying to better her situation, and you were being taken advantage of by those who knew your desperation. You went from one abusive situation into another... and it FELT BETTER. And your parents were mad you didn't bring them souvenirs of your running away from home????? That's one of the most twisted things I've ever read. I have nothing but compassion for the young you. You received none then and I hope you can now. How it makes you sound? It makes you sound like an amazingly resilient and  tough person to have come out of that darkness with your hope and ability to love still bright in you.

[SpunHead13]

Reading about people packing their bags and running away at very young ages, reminded me of when I was about 6-7. My parents, brother and I had just moved oversees to a different country. And I wanted so badly to go back to my Gran. But I was in a foreign country, where I was just stating to learn the language. I vividly remember that first xmas and sitting by the tree late at night and wishing so so hard I could go back home.

Im really grateful for this forum. It really helps me feel less alone in all this.