Back Again

[myself]

It's been several years since I posted, though I have been back now and then to read through posts.  The pandemic made it blissfully easy for a couple of years to maintain VLC, and we are now living a long distance from NMIL. However, with flights and borders open as usual, H somehow thought it was a good idea to agree to NMIL's plans - of course not discussed with me - to book travel to come and stay with us, with a friend.  I don't know how it seems like an ok idea to him to invite someone who has caused so much harm to our family and who has deliberately treated our children badly, not to mention years of abusive behaviour to me, to come for a holiday!    I can only assume that he has allowed himself to be hoovered back under her thumb by not having any boundaries on contact between himself and her. It feels like I am right back to square one of having to convince him that his mother's behaviour is not ok. I don't even know where to start.

[Leonor]

Hi myself!

Start by breathing. Breathing and walking.

He's fogged up, is all. It's part of the aftereffects of the abuse: it all just kind of fades away ... The abuser seems kind ... And the "maybe this time it will be better" rolls in. He's caught in the cycle.

You know the saying that it takes abuse victims up to 7 tries before they are able to leave their abusive partner for good? And that's for someone who, in relative terms, they just met!

It's a mind game. He's brainwashed. That's why he didn't say anything to you first. He was triggered into a child state in which he wasn't married, because he was probably around 6 years old at that moment.

You might find it easier to not lose your temper with him and get to a pragmatic solution by thinking about him as a victim of domestic abuse who is caught in the cycle.

From outside the cycle, you can see clearly. You can see old MIL up to her tricks, and DH triggered back into a little boy being negated and swallowed up by his mother. You can say, whoa there, Nelly!

If he's a lot triggered he's going to feel panic and defend his mom, and if he's a little triggered he's going to feel ashamed and defend himself. You'll know if he starts in on the "but it's my mom" (a lot) or the "it's my house, too" (a little.)

You can start by validating his feelings (I know it's been a rough few years) and then recalling him to the present (but we put these boundaries up because what we tried before wasn't working.) Validate your relationship (I love our life together and want to be together on this) and then make your demand (I really need for us to make decisions for our family as a couple.)

You can be clear on what you are not willing to do (provide a place to stay, entertain, visit, tour guide, drive, etc) and what you are willing to do in terms of his time (if you want to take them out to lunch on Sunday I'll take the kids to the zoo, or anything, if anything, palatable to you.)

And then kiss him, tell him you love him, and walk away. Treat him as a grown father and husband rather than a weak man or vulnerable child.

Good luck to you!

[Srcyu]

I would start with discussing the fact that HIS behaviour is not okay. To go behind your back and make arrangements for his mother (and a friend) to come and stay is ridiculous.

I don't think you can convince him about her behaviour because he prioritises his relationship with her. Still tied to the apron strings or whatever.

There was a similar post here recently and someone wisely said to leave all the entertaining, cooking, making up of beds etc....... to him. Similar to what Leonor said also - take yourself and the kids off somewhere and leave him to it. The invite to stay did not come from you.



milly

[myself]

Thank you for the wise and compassionate response Leonor. I have no trouble seeing him as a victim, I can make some guesses as to what his childhood was like, even if he can't remember it. I've been sucked in, in the past, by his mother putting on the charm and denying everything that happened in the past or repainting it as her being a poor misunderstood mother just trying to do her best for her boy. It's all the more effective because the whole extended family play along with pretending the nastiness never happened, even the ones who've seen the light and cut contact won't actually say anything about anything that happened in the past. It must be all the more potent illusion for her child, who still just wants his mother to love him. I see the whole situation as a tragedy. I also know a little about MILs early history and the tragedy that kept her from having the love and stability her little child self needed and deserved.
But that doesn't change the fact that she is full of harm and no boundaries we've tried to put in place have worked to protect our children from the venom she spews without warning or the manipulative little plots she contrives for them. There is just no way that we can keep our children safe in her presence, because we are never able to predict what she might do and head it off. So she cannot come here. I will not expose my children to abuse.
But yes, Windmill, you are right: I do need to leave her management to H. That's unfortunately how we have gotten into this situation, as I had handed the relationship with his mother completely over to him. I guess he handed the apron strings back to her to re-tie.
I still can't wrap my head around how she seems to be able to make him either forget or think things will be ok when she has been so openly manipulative, deceptive (openly deceptive, because she is so confident in her own unfailing rightness that she is not at all embarrassed to explain her lies to us once they have served the end result she wanted!), and unapologetically nasty in the past.
The really hard part is that H has to be the one to tell MIL she is not welcome, and H has been so traumatized by her that anytime he is faced with the prospect of having to say 'no' to her, he feels sick and shaky and goes to bed thinking he's coming down with the flu. I can see this pattern clearly, he thinks it's just germs and no connection. He goes into a shutdown, a coping strategy he learned from his verbally abused father, and then I can't talk to him about it and she end up getting her way. The only way I got him to see through the fog in the first place was weeks of couples counseling and then I made a list of undeniable things she had done, and relentlessly read it out to him, checking that he remembered those events and understood they were not ok. It felt like such a terrible thing to do to him, making him face up to what his mother is actually like in real life as contrasted to what she tells everyone all the time about herself. But if he is unable to protect me, I still need him to be on board with protecting our children.
Of course, if it comes down to it, I can deal with her, but I would almost definitely get H disowned, and would certainly cause years of intense fallout that would mostly come down on him. We've already endured her tantrums, rages, guilt trips, smear campaigns, and flying monkey work, so I don't really mind, but H wants to avoid any further confrontation.

[notrightinthehead]

Will you still be able to prevent this visit? If not, what will be your strategy? With visits from my MIL my strategy was to give her rope to hang herself.  I was polite. I was hospitable. I provide a bed, I provided meals. I had polite, superficial conversation. I was out of the house a lot. Commitments, you know. At mealtimes with my husband present, I did not monitor the conversation, I did not say anything. I left my MIL and my husband to it. As soon as they started to fight  l rushed the kids, and myself, out. And when alone with her, medium chill, grey rock. I was not available to drive her around or take her places, I left that to my husband. I encouraged her to spend time with him, to ask him for whatever she wanted because I was busy or didn't know.   I allowed the kids to spend time with her. It didn't take them long to talk about strange things that grandma does.
So, if you cannot prevent this visit, be prepared and have a strategy!

[Leonor]

Hey myself,

So what I'm hearing is that dh does not want to upset his mother, but he is okay with upsetting you. In fact, he will throw a little tantrum of his own, with headaches and dizzy spells, and take to his bed and pull the covers up over his head to avoid confronting his mother, but that he is perfectly okay with you being thrown to the wolves.

I get it. I get the trauma and I get the trauma reaction. But it's an unhealthy reaction. It is a dysfunctional reaction. It is a way to use you as a human shield towards someone who has abused you, too.

No. Nope. Nuh-uh. He feels like a child. He is acting like a child. And it stems from being abused as a child. He was a beautiful child who was raised by a cruel and unconscious mother. But he is not a child, and the therapeutic way to deal with a trigger reaction that throws someone into their childhood is to acknowledge the child's pain, but call upon the adult.

You have absolutely every right to revoke permission granted to your home, at any time, to any one, whether you had invited them them or not. Especially so if you did not, in fact, invite them!

What happens if you say no? MIL will be po'd. Dh will take to his duvet. Geez, what a show! Got a fainting couch for the friend? Because I've seen soap operas with less drama than these ILs!

Being the adult does not mean putting up with abuse. It does not mean opening your home to all and sundry and sundry's friend. It does not mean bringing tea and biscuits to a dh ailing over mama drama. It just means standing in clarity and calm, and saying, this does not work for me.

No one ever actually died from being disinvited. No one ever died from a panic attack. Call their bluff, it's just huff and puff nonsense that has the goal of manipulating you into a situation where mom gets what she wants (power over her son) and dh gets what he wants (approval from his mother) and you get to foot the economic, chronological and emotional bill.

No thank you, Holiday Inn right down the road!

[bloomie]

Hi myself! Welcome back. So sorry for this boomerang throw back situation you are dealing with.

But that doesn't change the fact that she is full of harm and no boundaries we've tried to put in place have worked to protect our children from the venom she spews without warning or the manipulative little plots she contrives for them. There is just no way that we can keep our children safe in her presence, because we are never able to predict what she might do and head it off. So she cannot come here. I will not expose my children to abuse.

This is all that matters. All. That. Matters. I know you already know that, but standing with you and validating that your DH's angst and your mil's potential emotional upset are waaaayyyy down the line in priority to the safety and wellbeing, protection of your kiddos.

Your H has invited someone into your domain, your safe space, the sacred heart of your family who is knowingly unsafe for your children, your marriage, yours and your H's emotional well being. He is going to have to clean up that mess over time with you and the hurt and disappointment you very rightly might be feeling, but in the meantime, I would not think twice about moving into an empowered position, calm, firm position over my family and letting mil know that unfortunately you will not be able to provide accommodations for her and her friend.

There comes a time to put children first and speak from your position and authority. You are not the one who has created the conflict your H says he so very much wants to avoid. He and his mother are. I am a mil and I can tell you this right now, I would never, ever plan a trip with a friend to stay in my dil's home without speaking with her and my son in the planning.

And if you all being unavailable to host your mil in your home will get your H disowned... well, that is important information to have now isn't it? If your mil's character is such that being told 'no' will bring on a huge kerfuffle and cruel discard then accommodating all of this dysfunction by going along will only kick that can down the road until next time.

Let the adults learn to deal with their emotions like all of the rest of us adults have to do, and if they can't, and have to take to their beds, there are professionals to help them. This is a hugely dramatic, dysfunction dance between mother and son.

You do what is best for the kiddos and yourself! And let us know how you are.