The G part of the FOG

[SeaBreeze]

A little over 2 weeks since I left stbx-uNPDh and went out-of-state. I am still struggling with Guilt. I know guilt does not equal love, or missing him, or that I should go back. But in full transparency, I'm definitely feeling it. I acknowledge I left him alone, in our big house, and that he doesn't have anyone there since all the kids are gone too. Meanwhile, I'm here with 2 of my adult kids, one parent, and my sibling who are all very supportive. Yes, stbx's behavior is a major reason the kids and I have all left one by one. Yes, I already knew and accurately predicted stbx would initially display sadness upon my leaving. Yes, I know he needs to process his emotions on his end himself, while I focus on my grief and healing on my end. I know leaving was the right decision, but I still feel bad for him. I feel bad for ME, too. Just being honest here about my journey forward.

[Poison Ivy]

I still feel guilty sometimes, and I got a divorce in 2016. My ex lives alone in the house where he grew up, hasn't dealt with his parents' estates even though they both died more than 3 years ago, last worked other than for family members about 13 years ago, has no family nearby, and so on. I eventually realized that although feeling guilty isn't pleasant, it won't hurt me, and my ex wouldn't have become the person I wanted to be married to no matter what I did as his spouse.

[notrightinthehead]

Seabreeze, are you in contact with him?  Two weeks is a short time. I still feel fear 4 years later. So two weeks is only the beginning of all the feelings you're going to go through. It's very good to be aware and let them go through you but not to act on them.

[Catothecat]

When I left my NPDexh it took me a long time to sort out my genuine feelings about what happened from feelings that existed because my ex wanted them to exist.  He wanted nothing more than for me to take on the burden of responsibility for ending the marriage, to assume all responsibility, to feel guilty--because he felt none of those things.  It was all my fault.  And when you live for so many years with someone who does this to you on a routine basis it gets really really  hard to know what is true for you and what has been imposed by the PD. 

What notright said is really important--not to act on those feelings.  It can take a long time to sort it all out, unfortunately, but it does come in time.

[losingmyself]

Seabreeze, thank you for sharing your journey with us. It is inspiration to me! And if there's one place to be transparent, it's here! People understand, most have been there. 
I have been away from my XH for almost 15 years. He's my kid's F, so I have had to deal with him occasionally. 
He has not adjusted to single life, uses the depression as an excuse, is basically a hermit and a hoarder, and lives alone 10 miles out of town.
I still get pangs of guilt, but it's more like empathy now, like you'd feel bad for someone who's suffering,  but you know there's nothing you can do about it. Certainly not your fault.
We're humans who have feelings for the suffering of others. I think it shows that you're a decent human.

[Poison Ivy]

losingmyself, your description of your ex fits my ex, too (except that he lives 150 miles from me).

[SeaBreeze]

Thank you everyone for your support. Yes, only 2 weeks, after 24 years, but it's been an eventful 2 weeks!

I'm sitting with the guilt, as I am the other emotions, and just sort of observing them, letting them wash through me, and then move on. I will say, I've slept deeply the past 3 nights, and am no longer waking up with a jolt of panic or dread like I did those first few nights.

Stbx and I are still in contact, mainly text, for a few reasons, such as the recent emergency with one of our adult kids. I also asked him to mail me a few things (to one of  my FOO members; he does not have my current address. I am starting over here from scratch and mostly buying new things, but I wanted just a few items that I left behind.) I've also agreed to keep an online joint counselling session, but I'm telling the therapist it's time to mediate separation, not work toward reconciliation. I know.... But I promise I'm staying MC, limiting contact, and very alert to signs of Hoovering, not only on his part but my own.

The adult kids and FOO are keeping me sane and grounded and helping me limit contact with stbx. I've also made a new friend here (fellow female who's renting me the temp home). And as always Out of the FOG has been a beacon of light  But I've also had some needed alone time, and that's been hard some times but an absolute delight others. I'm getting there!

[StartingHealing]

SeaBreeze

I can relate.  Guilt for me was one of the stbxPD biggest levers she used.   24? maybe 25? years of marriage?  Yeah.   

I took a bit of a different route getting to the same place of being Out of the FOG.  Maybe it's because of my "wiring" but for me, all the emotions I was feeling was suspect when I figured out that the person that they were based on was a complete fabrication.   

The person that she presented herself to be wasn't real.  The love bombing wasn't real.  It was all manipulation from the first time we spoke on the phone. 

The person that she actually is,  .  If anything, when she was nice it was because she wanted something.  Otherwise, she didn't care about how she got the attention, as long as she got attention / stuff / situation / that she wanted in the moment and to hell with anybody and everybody else.

In another  6 days I'll have been NC (except for court related stuff) for 9 months.   Big changes for the better! for me. 

Now, if she does cross my mind, it's a reminder to be thankful that she's not around coupled with ,  you know that feeling you get when you see somebody starting to do something that will hurt when it goes wrong?   That mix of emotions.

I have a couple of real close friends, an elder who is very wise, and family members that have helped a ton.

I know the general area that she's in right now.  Have absolutely no desire to go drive by.  I've seen the replacement supply and meh.   She went back to type is all.  "the bad boy" biker guy.   Nothing against the guy at all.  I don't care actually.   wish ya well, leave me out of it.

I did go through a lot of the other G.  Grief.  I grieved for the what might have been.  I grieved for myself.   I grieved for the loss of time.  For the kids,  I grieved for all of it. 

Now though, I'm pretty good overall.   

Keep on keeping on and remember to stop and take a look around every once in a while.  You'll amaze yourself on how far you've come!