Sister Confusion

[Bigbluemarble]

Hello,

I've been coming here for years. Along with therapy, this board has helped me so much.

My background: I am the youngest (at 50) of 6 kids. My mother died when I was 18 and my  N-Dad died when I was 20.

Eldest sister (now 65) sort of took on the role of looking after me after our parents died.

She wasn't good at it. There are many strange things about her and our relationship. But she is admired by many, especially within our family. She has advanced degrees, 'big' career, is wealthy and has no children and is single. So in some ways she is pitied.

Our relationship feels extremely twisted and has for years. She will shower me with too generous gifts. She will flatter me. She will seem at times enamored of me. I used to catch her 'checking me out' when I was younger. She is famous in our world for being a good Christian. But she always seems to defend predatory males, including one of our brothers who sexually abused me long ago. She is very frustrated that I have no contact with him. She loves to talk up his good points and I used to remind her of what he did, to try to make her see. But I know better than to bother anymore. Her blindness is a choice.

In 2018 I went no contact with her, with the support of my therapist. It felt great. I live a financially modest life, am on disability ( bipolar/cptsd) and have a loving husband and young daughter. No more accepting gifts and treats with that weird feeling of self betrayal. No more of her drama, manipulation and confusion.

But a year ago, I started feeling haunted that I hadn't explained my reasons to her and she might not understand why I went NC.

I wrote to her, she wrote back in very heartfelt way. Told me she's in therapy. We agreed to meet up. I quickly let my boundaries slide. We met a diner and I meant to stay no longer than 2 hours, but stayed for 4. (A lot of coffee refills!)

In September 2022, she visited me for 3 days. (She stayed at a hotel). I let her spend a lot of money on my daughter and me. All the while I noticed she talked constantly and was intensely exhausting to be around. I wondered if she were suffering from a neurological disorder or was on some speed drugs but my husband said she was always like that. I felt extremely uneasy during and after this visit.

I mentioned how she flamboyantly adores me but there is another side. She makes back handed compliments or straight up insults about my body, my lack of "meaningful career" and my mental illness. In the past I've laughed it off or gotten upset. If I get upset, then she talks about my "fearsome temper" and anger issues. (Well I do have anger issues...when intentionally provoked. Doesn't seem to come up in my other relationships).

And one more not so nice thing about her: she sometimes gives me the silent treatment and I never quite know why and when it's over, she cheerfully resumes contact. (She is always SO CHEERFUL)

Since last September, she has been on unspoken probation. She hasn't made cruel comments or done anything offensive.

But 10 days ago I texted her explaining why we couldn't join her in April for a birthday visit. I was polite and clear. I thought it might disappoint her but that she'd understand.

She didn't write back. As the days went by I got a very old, bad feeling. A strong mix of sadness, anger, confusion, self doubt.

Then today she texted asking if I wanted to do her plan B.

I replied, I reached out 10 days ago. I'm not interested in making plans with you.

I was in a panic state and my message is too blunt....i feel I didn't handle it right. I wanted to gray rock but I didn't feel like a gray rock.

She wrote back are you talking about the April trip or plan B?

I put her on ignore and feel kind of a huge emotional mess.

Don't think I want to NC again (?). It really bothered people in my life because she's so popular. A savior type. But for me, she is dangerous.

[Bigbluemarble]

An update and more confusion:

My (N?) sister texted me after not replying for 12 days. Her tone was normal, and she wanted to know my travel dates (I had previously texted them) and when she could see us (my husband, daughter and me).

I replied curtly that I haven't heard from you and have made other plans.

She replied stating she was confused.

I replied I'm talking about 12 days of silent treatment.

She replied Oh sorry, time got away from me.

I replied it was disrespectful and hurtful.

(She never does this with the important people in her life. I know this very well, as her sister and having worked as her assistant in the past)

She texted back saying Are you actually suggesting this is nothing more than me being busy and forgetful and that I want nothing more than to see my adored sister, wonderful BIL and beautiful niece?

I replied I need a break.

She replied ok.

The next day and day after that I had a freakout/ meltdown/crisis - suicidal thoughts and some self harm. Screaming, throwing things....Thankfully I was home alone.

I take meds, go to therapy, practice mindfulness and exercise-  all to not have such episodes. Nobody can trigger me like my sister can.

I'm currently being gentle with myself, trying to recover and be at peace.

But.....maybe she was just busy and forgetful?????

Ugh I've been hearing "I'm sooooo busy!" From her most of my life.

But she is busy. She runs a successful business. She works a lot.

I have this gut feeling of sickness regarding her. Almost hate but mixed with intense guilt.

Of course I paraphrased our texts. But hers had a tone of phony shock. And she didn't respond to my saying I felt hurt/ disrespected.

But maybe I'm just hateful for saying her tone was phony shock...

😖

[JollyJazz]

Hi Bigbluemarble,

Thanks for sharing!

I'm sorry to hear about the distress this situation has caused. It sounds like your older sister was kind of a surrogate mother to you, growing up.

It sounds like your gut is telling you some useful things! It's good that you are listening to it, and into mindfulness. I also find that meditation really really helps with this sort of thing.

First off, I'm so sorry to hear about the predatory abuse from your brother. That is absolutely terrible, and it's definitely NOT okay for her to minimised it etc. Definitely dysfunctional and abusive from her!

Here's something that might help,

Sometimes I've found as I heal etc (still a work in progress), I've found my relationships have changed.

I got distance from some of the most full on PDs (although the ones I'm related to present ongoing challenges! I've restricted contact though). But the thing is there can be subtler shades of behavior that come up on our journey. For instance someone might have some PD and abusive behaviors but not be PD (now, I'm really not sure what the situation is with your sister). Still, there are some behaviors coming up here that she's doing that sounds really concerning - like the silent treatment, minimising your brothers abuse, and the mean comments about your body etc. that make you feel bad that are emotionally abusive.

Also O. T. T. charm can actually be a control thing. Insincere charm is the slightly dishonest for control side, where as genuine charm comes from the heart. Similarly, buying expensive gifts can be a form of control as well.

It sounds like you are doing a bit of gentle distancing and separate and observe your behavior, how it makes you feel?

Also setting boundaries with her, which is good.

There are some good 'guides' on how to set boundaries, that I find helpful. Sometimes when we get in the habit it isn't perfect but that's okay!!

Observing how she reacts to those boundaries is also a good sign.

Lastly if you can also build other healthy relationships, that's a really positive thing! 

I'm very sorry to hear about the mean comments / put downs about a 'career' etc.

It sounds like you are the one who is most mindful and thoughtful and engaged in personal growth and healing. That is a very valuable and useful things to be doing!

Also raising a child is a career and meaningful as well.

If she did more of that she wouldn't be doing abusive behavior like the silent treatment and putting people down.

Please don't see yourself as 'less than' because of her comments.

Best wishes.

[sunshine702]

You not realize this but she might be jealous of aspects of your life and being.  I have noticed that  with family snippy comments   She might regret focusing on her career at the expense of her family and lash out at you for that.  Some thoughts..

[Amy-Rose]

Hi darling,
First I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, truly. Having a blood tie to someone who is unhealthy for you is hard. It creates this constant cognitive dissonance (two opposing views/beliefs) which alone can cause so much anguish, especially in someone who all ready finds life hard and has suffered at the hands of other people.

She may have some attachment issues steaming from your childhood and your parents. These can be unhealthy.

Also, what isn't "toxic" to one person can be to someone else. Maybe everyone else sees her as a "saviour" because shes not their sister (?) and they don't get what you do.

I had a friend who seemed very popular and well liked. After time, I found her nothing but difficult, inconsistent, manipulative, selfish, self-absorbed and a user. Then I realised that a) I saw more of her than they did and b) she totally treated them differently. She seemed to "bow down" to them. Had boundaries with them. They didn't see enough of her or her life to catch the lies.

There are red flags here and it's good you're noticing them.

[bloomie]

Bigbluemarble - welcome! I am glad you have officially joined the community and that it has been a help to you over the years!

There is a lot to unpack with all of this. It makes perfect sense that all of this would be so confusing and complex. I was thinking, as I read through you initial post, having lost both parents at a young age, your ability to process and experience the unknown of silent treatment from a mother figure, how it throws you completely sideways and dysregulates you so much, is something to look at. It might actually 'feel' like a matter of life and death in the moment when you are possibly having an emotional flashback.

If you don't know it the work of Pete Walker has been a source of great help to me and others. Here is a link to check out his work:
http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf

I learned a term recently that I think applies to this behavior from your sister... it is called casual abuse. In essence, it is when someone takes something that means a great deal to us and treats it as if it is casual or ignores it all together. So, you told your sister something she wanted wouldn't work then reached out with dates for a visit (I think I am understanding the sequence correctly) and she ignored you and eventually contacted you as if nothing was wrong and when confronted was 'confused'. 

That seems like a perfect example of casual abuse. Another very grave example is the stance your sister has taken around a brother who terribly abused and violated you. Treating as casual something that is so egregious is emotional abuse and betrayal. Taking things that mean everything to us, such as our accomplishments, struggles, abilities, efforts and negating or ignoring them then lavishing gifts, using words to create a sense of love and safety when we know in our knower we are not safe with this person, creates an atmosphere of risk and hypervigilance in us that can be detrimental.

I see it as more than gaslighting, though it includes gaslighting, for sure. It is an atmosphere of uncertainty that blankets every interaction. Love doesn't do that. Love creates safety, love understands, love is loyal and humble and able to say... if it is true... "time got away from me I hurt you, I am sorry. I totally understand you made other plans when I didn't respond for days."

This kind of interaction, these kinds of behaviors, can erode our strength and take us right back to the uncertainty of our younger selves if we don't learn how to work through things with new skills and fresh insights.

It is so good that you are building a team around you to support you going forward. I am thankful you are here. Keep coming back and sharing. It really takes what this resource can do for you to the next level.

[bunnie]

The term 'casual abuse' is a new one for me, and fits many experiences I've had with abusers in the family. Thanks for sharing that bloomie!

Bigbluemarble - I'm not sure how much older your sister is, but no doubt the parental losses were devastating for her also. She probably suffered some arrested development after the losses, and having picked up the mom/dad mantle, is unaware of her dysfunction. I'm not condoning her behavior. Mean-spirited behavior is never justifiable. I wouldn't let her spend a lot of money on you and your daughter in the future as it could send mixed signals and she probably equates gift giving with permission to behave any way she wants in the moment. I'm not sure if you remember how she was treated by your parents or what their relationship was like. Maybe she just picked up where they left off, but transferred it onto you?

She also sounds like she relishes in controlling (attempting to control) you with money, the silent treatment, and some guilt thrown in because she jumped into the parent role.

You are both on equal footing, have suffered the same losses, and deserve the same measure of respect and consideration in every scenario that arises.

[Bigbluemarble]

I appreciate the thoughtful replies.

I think she is likely disordered or in any case, pushes my buttons past where it is safe for me.

It is hard to sit with the complexities and layers and history between us.


As for the moment, she sent me a text saying I devastated her and broke her heart. ( because i made other firm plans when I didn't hear from her for 12 days)

This feels so transparently manipulative that I almost feel better. Like, aha... this is not a problem i created or have to fix.

I do have compassion for her. She lost her parents at a young age as well. She was also very much the golden child before that- putting her in this family boss position after our parents were gone. She seems to relish it, but I don't think she chose it.

I will be reading over everyone's replies more deeply as soon as I have more time.

Peace ✌️

Bigbluemarble