This is dragging on and is draining me

[escapingman]

uNPDstbxw keep dragging on and stall the progress of the divorce and it is mentally wearing me down. For every day this drags on the further into freeze mode I get. I just can't get excited for the future or anything whilst sitting duck. Now she even managed to mess with my head through comments in the negotiations, how is it even possible to try to hoover through spreadsheets? I am or at least have been completely indifferent but those comments have hit some nerve in the head and the cognitive dissonance is trying to remind me about good times with her. There were good times, but there were also terrible times. It's easy to forget the terrible times after almost a year of NC and start thinking what if. I know the what if and I had no other choice than to end the relationship, but why is my brain suddenly letting her back in? I need to move on, but I can't fully do so until the divorce is complete and the house is sold.

Please can someone who have gone through this before me tell me all will be OK in the end? 

[Poison Ivy]

I can't promise anything because I don't control the future. However, I will say that things eventually got better. I sometimes still miss being married, but my ex showed no signs of becoming the person to whom I wanted to be married , either while we were married or since the divorce.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Escapingman you are way ahead of me on this road so I can not tell you how things look ahead but I can tell you that if you went back it would be worse than ever.

All I have is my wife's words where she did manage to get her first love, the father of her son to return, in her words "I did everything I could to get him back and then I made him pay ......". Her words were cold and without emotion and no doubt meant for me to ponder about if I left, again, or maybe she was telling me "see you too came back, here is your pain".

Stick to your plan, it is a good one.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Escapingman!

Get out thy cave. Does your city have a walking park? Go for a walk in the park? Turn that emotional energy into physical energy.

Sit on a bench enjoy nature and being around other people.

Go for a coffee. Sit outside. People watch.

My mood increases when I am out of my cave.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies.

ITDD, I do walking most days but that is about the only thing I get round to. I have plans to join a health club and to get back to get regular massages. But with the divorce dragging on and STBX finding a way to get to me I have ended up in this freeze state. I don't want to be here, but I just can't get myself out of it. I know I have to, I know the divorce is likely to keep dragging on and I have to move on with my life even with it not finalised. I need to find new routines, but it's so difficult to shift the mindset of just taking the easy route and sit at home. I just got that feeling yesterday about how things could have been different, but I know it could not be different as STBX has a PD and however nice she would be short term it would not stay that way.

[Boat Babe]

Sending hugs EM.  You'll get there.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Grieving what you thought could have been is very hard.  However, what could have been was always a fantasy, right? 

This is what helped me when the divorced dragged on and it was draining for me as well:  I re-connected with an activity I loved and did it as often as I could (golf).  I made sure I was out in the sun - walk on beach, hike.  It's the classic coping skill - find what you need for self care.  Maybe you need a nap everyday - then do it!!  My new bedroom became my oasis and I still love it - so maybe find a space in your home that you love and can relax in.  I have a nice picture by my desk with a list of why I needed the divorce and all the positives in my life - I needed to look at it a lot.

I also kept reminding myself that this will end, but I need to live my life and not wait for the end.  And for me, living my life was reconnecting with what I like to do.  I'd like to be in a relationship again someday, but until I know myself, what I want out of life, and have expanded my personal connections, I'm not good for anyone else.

Lastly, when I looked back on other tough times in my life, I think that if I could go back, I'd tell my younger self, just to have faith.  It'll be okay, it may not be perfect, but it'll be okay. 

So, it's going to be okay.  The divorce will happen.  Keep learning....

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies.

Grieving what you thought could have been is very hard.  However, what could have been was always a fantasy, right? 

Spot on, I lived in a fantasy for so long and I didn't realise it would never become reality. We bought a house with enormous potential and I had so many ideas and dreams about what to do with both the house and the garden. Every suggestion I had was shot down in flames, sometimes I got so far I was just going to sign on the line for someone to come and start work for her to pull the plug last minute. Now I just need out of the house to stop reminding me of all dreams she crushed and never had any intention to support. I am looking forward to a house that is just mine and I can put a nail in the wall without worrying about if it is 1mm to far to the left.

I am very interested in finding out her next tactic to stall this, she has been pushing for the house to be sold but we can't sell without completing the divorce. She has the agreed divorce settlement to sign, but has been finding reasons to not sign for the last months and keep changing the clauses and adding new bits. Now we have a buyer for the house and can move on, if she signs. But if she doesn't sign, she will lose all credibility with everyone involved. My solicitor, even though charging me for every little thing, is already fed up with this being dragged on.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Escapingman,

Listen to your lawyer and all the available options you have. You will get the divorce. You will be free. You will have your own place. You will not let another narc or PD into your life again.

Excerpt from "Why do narcissists drag out divorce?" Sure you already know all about this.

Unfortunately, divorcing a narcissist often means preparing for a long, drawn-out battle. It is important to be prepared for their tactics. You need to have a strong support system in place, and be ready to stand up for yourself.

This involves being prepared mentally, physically, and financially to fight the battle.

Narcissists are experts at playing games with people's emotions, so don't let them get under your skin. Stay calm and collected, and don't let them bait you into an argument.

Make a conscious effort to not take anything they say or do personally. Narcissists often use words and actions as weapons to hurt people emotionally. Remember that it's not about you – it's about their need to control and belittle others.

[escapingman]

The behaviour of DD is really assisting STBX in wearing me down now. She is leaving stuff everywhere, don't clear anything and then eat on the sofa making stains all over. I can't tell her anything as she use that against me immediately and makes threat about seeing STBX. I now I can't stop her seeing her mum in the long run, but in the short I have to. Last time she saw her she started self harm, and now she think she can handle seeing her and even without supervision. We are just trying to finalise the divorce, selling the house, finding somewhere new to live and she says she want to see her mum. I think it is to much to ask for. I am worrying about what would happen, STBX would definitely love bomb her until she think she can turn DD against me. Seeing DD would make her full of supply and give her strength to continue her battle against me. I don't really now how to handle this, but as soon as I say no to DD or ask her to clear up she just want to punish me with saying she wants to see her mum. Every time I feel a bit of strength DD does this. I am not sure but it feels like she is taking great pleasure in seeing me suffer.

[Poison Ivy]

Perhaps she doesn't like to see you suffer. But she might have mixed feelings about the divorce. That would not be an unusual reaction (for a relatively young child of parents who are splitting up).

[escapingman]

Perhaps she doesn't like to see you suffer. But she might have mixed feelings about the divorce. That would not be an unusual reaction (for a relatively young child of parents who are splitting up).

It is starting to become a pattern, every time I say no to DD or ask her do do something she suddenly wants to see her mum. I am fully aware she is legally allowed to see her if she wants to, but I am also fully aware of the damage it will cause both to her and our lives. But to start seeing her during a stressful period like this is just insane.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with you that it is not a good idea for her to see her mom right now. I think your daughter's behavior is not unusual for an adolescent (or pre-teen) but that doesn't mean it's easy for the parent (you) to cope with or not take personally. Please keep coming here to talk about stuff. Do you have a therapist yet? I recall you mentioning that you were looking for one or on a waiting list. Talking to a therapist was very helpful to me when my children were adolescents, they were having some problems, I was having some problems, and my then-husband was of no use.

[square]

How can you break the pattern?

She does this because it is giving her some type of satisfaction, at least temporarily.

How can you change the dynamic so the satisfaction is no longer there?

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies. I am not sure her behaviour comes from or at least partly from that she was punished with screaming and shaming by STBX every time she made any kind of mess. It's almost like she tries to see how far she can go with me until I lose my cool with her. A couple of days ago she made a massive chocolate stain in the sofa and I was very upset about it and told her to not eat in the sofa, yesterday I went in there to see that she yet again had eaten in the sofa and left an ice cream wrapper full of chocolate just thrown on the sofa, when telling her how I felt about it she just responded "I don't care".

With this behaviour and absolute no care for any items I am losing my own desire to have anything nice in my life. We are looking at houses at the moment and we just viewed a lovely house and my only thinking is what's the point as she will thrash it within weeks. I know in a new environment she might change, but I am getting so fed up spending all my time clearing up from her and trying to repair what she damaged last.

Regarding therapy, I had therapy for 6 months but it was on the NHS so they can only provide so much. I am doing a lot of self help at the moment but I am considering going private, it has to be through the medical insurance as I don't have that much money right now as the divorce is depleting my funds.

[InTheDragonsDen]

This is no man's land for me, hope others come to the rescue.

from the internet:
It is not abnormal for a child to display behavior issues after their parents get divorced or separate. Feelings of anger, confusion, frustration and sadness are all part of the roller coaster of emotions that your child may experience as a result of the events happening in their life.

We as adults capitulate to get along with our NPD partner. Could your daughter be feeling the same? If we just gave up to get along?
Is she keeping everything inside? Maybe she needs to let it out? How does she feel about the divorce? Her mother? When I was a teenager I had the I knew better syndrome and let my parents know my thoughts on their issues.
Kids sometimes have to step on landmines to move forward.

I am hoping others will come to the rescue for you.

Buy the house, rent it out, use the rent money to rent a place for you, when your daughter settles........ i know unworkable but maybe there are solutions out there.

[treesgrowslowly]

My 2 cents from what I've read and lived through...

Your DD is young. Her own understanding of this situation is going to be unsophisticated.

She has to make someone the 'bad guy'.

Unfortunately it sounds like she has made you the bad guy. Do you know why? Because you are the one who is safe to be 'bratty' around. In what I've read about divorce and children, or even intact families and children, the child is going to push the parent who is the safer parent.

The child pushes the parent who is more emotionally mature. The child knows better than to make the PD parent the bad guy.

The other option at DD's age is to make herself the 'bad guy'. It is part of our immature 'training wheels' thinking at that age, to make someone the 'bad guy' because we don't yet know how to understand relationships as very complex.

Try to look at things from her perspective, and if you can, find breaks from being in the house so that you can go and enjoy a nice, clean place for a few hours, where maybe some other adults are there doing self care. Even just being at a gym to do a few minutes on a treadmill might help because it changes the environment for you. Remind yourself of the age gap between you and her. Given her age, I can almost guarantee that your DD does not have a sophisticated understanding of what her mess behaviour does to upset the people around her.

I am also a parent and my view of what needs to be clean in our house is not even close to the same as what a teen would define as clean or messy. Imagine her as a healthy adult woman in her mid 20's, who is now taking better care of the house she lives in. Remind yourself that we outgrow our child and teenage behaviours very slowly. It is why every parent of a teen / pre-teen wants to pull out their hair on some days. She is not always going to behave like this. She will keep growing up.

Trees

[square]

One thing I wish I had done better was to make sure the natural consequences fell to the right party.

YOU should not be exhausted cleaning up after her. SHE should be!

If yours is anything like mine, it will be easier to clean up after her than to ensure she does it. But I regret not having put in that effort earlier. I have made some progress in that department and have found that most of the effort is front loaded, meaning the extra work required goes down after a while.

Also, there are other consequences you can naturally apply. For example, if you truly don't think you can have her clean ice cream stains out, fine, you do it - BUT since you'll be busy with that extra work, she has to do the dishes.

A carrot could be that you might buy her a new bedroom set when you move. But if she's treating furniture like that, you will not waste the money. If she is mature about it, it can be her reward. I'd only offer if I was sure I could follow through, though. It's worse to cave and give her the unearned reward. It means you will have to be secure in letting her carry her own consequences without rescuing her. And that means her efforts to make you pay for her discomfort slide off of you, secure in the knowledge that you did fine and the consequences belong to her.

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies.

To not clear up after DD is not really an option as that leaves the complete house in free fall. I have left her room to her to deal with and I feel sick just going in there. At the moment I struggle to have any motivational chats with her as she just states she does not care, and even if she agrees to something she doesn't do it. Now she just started telling me can't be bothered to go to school and I am just waiting for her to refuse as a test about how far she can go. The really difficult thing is that as soon as I am really pushing back she immediately take it to the next level that she wants to see her mum. I don't think she actually wants to see her, or maybe she does but expects STBX to be the good version of herself. The scariest thing for me is that I am sure STBX will love bomb DD until she gets confident she is back under her control and then God knows what she would do. GC decided to take STBX side straight away to avoid being the target, she is still defending her mum despite everybody knows what happened. The question is how long she can endure the abuse that would still be going on, unless STBX has managed to control it during the divorce process to avoid risking GC telling the truth.

Anyway, I am trying to find a way to deal with DD without risking disaster. She just doesn't understand how badly things can go if she decides to involve STBX as soon as she doesn't get her way.