Divorced 3 Years - Mostly Good

[Mitchy]

Divorce anniversary just passed. 3 years!!! Mostly it's been GOOD. Ex-PDH continues to try to control both kids and me, but mostly it's been positive. Since the anniversary mark, though...UGH, he's acting out again. When things don't go his way with regard to things that were agreed upon in the divorce, he throws a temper tantrum.

Examples: 1) Child #2 is struggling in school this last semester and as agreed, he gets school notices. I've done everything I know to do. Contacted school, therapist, psychiatrist, etc. Yet, (predictable, much??) I am to blame and if I would only PARENT the way he says, grades would be better.  2) I have taken the kids away from him. Child #2 heard him and interjected that both children chose me and he needs to be quiet. (Side note - discussed with her that it's not her job to defend me, etc. She said it was something she really wanted to say to him).  3) Asked him about some odd things happening around the house. Got angry when I asked if he'd done them and didn't appreciate being accused. Neither kid did it and I know it wasn't that way when I left the house yesterday morning. My mother has dementia so he then proceeded to say, "I don't know how horrible it mush be to deal with your mom, but is it hereditary? Should I be worried about you and the kids? 4) When I stand up for myself and end conversations or set boundaries, his normal response is to me is, "And do you think that will serve you well?" in a tone that I perceive as a threat. I have blocked his calls/texts to protect my sanity, but then he starts calling me at the office during work hours. I'm sure the majority of you understand.

I went into this divorce knowing it would be difficult. I knew some of the concessions I had to make would not be in my favor. But I was so miserable in that marriage that I knew it would still be better than staying. And that was correct. Most days are glorious. Though, when he's on a roll, no one is safe from him. And anniversaries of the loss of his mother and our divorce are particularly bad with him.

I pray for strength and hope that I can continue to work with my therapist and get to the point where I can let this not tear my stomach to shreds.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for the update, Mitchy.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi Mitchy, is there any way to have a third party act as a go between and "filter" out his "noise"? IE All communication both ways has to go through a third party.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I can relate.  Divorced now 7 months.

They have such a sneaky way of manipulating conversations - I could make a very neutral statement and my exPD can decide to take that comment and lash out.  I haven't seen him in months - today I saw him - 2 sentences in and he started ranting and in front of other people; he got so angry so fast and his face got so red...I thought he was going to explode.  I just walked away.  It felt so good just to be able to walk away and shrug it off.  It's hard to believe we were married for almost 20 years. 

This reaction a few years ago would have completely rattled me - I would have needed days to recover.  What you endure when you are in the fog is really incredible.  It was a reminder of why I left and why NC is the only way for me.  I have been working on my own trauma bond, and that is lessening as well.

Keep up the good work 

[Latchkey]

Hi Mitchy,
Thanks for the update. Congratulations on the 3 years, it does get better and better.
There is definitely something to do with anniversaries (of events) and holidays that affect all of us but especially those with PDs.
I am trying to remember, now almost 9 years out from 2nd PD marriage that who the person is at core never really changes and that they often lack a real center so they may be really influenced by a newscast talking about dementia and make connections that are not there or are rude and out of hand.

My exPDH will often present the most simplistic optimistic view/ or pessimistic view on everything to me and loves the easy win, leaving out all the bad stuff. Meanwhile his take on whatever is going on with other people is often mean, short sighted, and not optimistic sounding at all.

I think I am still practicing  a version of grey rock or medium chill with him. It can help to expect the worst and then be pleasantly surprised as well.

Latchkey