Need advise about communicating with aunts

[monamurre]

Neither of my mother's two sisters have contacted me in any way, shape or form since my mother passed away 11 weeks ago. I'm very surprised by their behavior and hurt by the lack of compassion or effort. I don't want to dwell on it or blow it out of proportion, but I also don't think it is something I can just pretend didn't happen.

I would like to continue to have some relationship with them. For that to happen I feel I need to address this lack of communication and its impact on me. I am struggling to figure out a couple of things. What outcome should I be looking for here? What do I say? How do I say it (letter, phone call, text, etc.)?  Any advice is welcome. I've provided a bit more background below to give you a fuller picture of our previous relationship and the manner in which my mom passed away.

My mother was uBPD of the waif/hermit variety. She lived in another state from her siblings and was fairly isolated. No one in her family had visited her in her home for 20+ years. However, she was in regular contact with all her siblings several times a year with phone calls and saw them 5 years ago at their mothers funeral and a few times in the years before that when she visited her mother. I had a good, if distant relationship to her two sisters and one brother. I would make an effort to see them if I happened to be in the area they lived in, we exchanged Christmas cards, etc. About 9 years ago, for a brief period, I lived 20 minutes from two of them and celebrated Thanksgiving with them and house sat while they were away.

My mom passed away in early January after a 6 month battle with cancer. She had not told her siblings until about 6 weeks before she died so they had less time to come to terms with it than I did. I encouraged her several times to contact them and offered to reach out for her. That conversation made her angry and she usually either hung up on me or shouted at me. I regret not ignoring her wishes and just telling them. But, it happened the way it happened.

The last week my mom was alive she was hospitalized for a complication. I chose not to travel the 900 miles to be with her as we had just visited six weeks before and I had said my goodbyes and made peace with that being our last visit. My last visit with her in November was an unpleasant visit to say the least. My mother was either screaming at us or ignoring us. I would have liked a different goodbye but I was clear that she was the way she was,  and I didn't expect any death bed conversions, so to speak.

I was in touch with all three of my mom's siblings during that week she was in the hospital. My uncle went to see her before she died and was with her when she passed. He and I spoke briefly a few times and all feels well between us. One aunt only texted to say she had called mom and talked to her, hoped we were doing okay, etc.  The other aunt called me several times. The first call was fine, just sharing information and brainstorming about how to help my mom. The second call she came in hot. She blind sided me with the statement, "the whole family thinks you should be doing more" and went off about several fairly tangential issues that she thought I wasn't doing a good enough job at. I let her talk for a bit then firmly but calmly explained the dynamic with my mom, the fact that I had tried everything in my power and capacity and was sticking with a boundary I had good reason to have. I asked for, and got, an apology from her for her approach and empathized with her that this was a very stressful and hard situation for us all and I understood how it might be impacting her approach to me.

I thought we ended the call with mutual understanding and could carry on normally after that. Then mom passes away 2 days later and it is absolute radio silence from both the aunts. I didn't expect a phone call or card or anything beyond just a simple text. It feels so....strange that neither of them extended even a bare bones condolences, when mere acquaintances have been kinder. It is also very out of character for them. Both are involved in their community, engaged with their families, one is very involved in church. In short, they both seem like relatively high functioning people who understand and practice common courtesies.....but then this....what gives?

[Poison Ivy]

Do you want to continue to have relationships with these aunts? If you do, perhaps do the following: Contact them by U.S. mail, tell them that you'd like to continue to have relationships with them, and then leave to them the next steps.

[lkdrymom]

I think that call with the one aunt that said the entire family thinks you aren't doing enough and you set them straight.  Could they feel a bit embarrassed to call? Or do they think you didn't have much of a relationship with your mom due to the necessary boundaries?  Maybe reach out to them but don't tell them how disappointed in them for not contacting you.  Put the ball in their court.