The "favor scales" are totally lopsided - what to do?

[IsleOfSong]

As I bumble along on my lifelong journey to keep better boundaries, I have been thinking a lot about how my uNPD wife tends to ask me for favors — a lot of them, or at least that's how it feels — particularly when she's stressed about something. For instance, she's about to leave on a weeklong work trip (yay!), but she's already started asking me to take care of some things for her before she leaves or while she's away, and she will definitely ask for more from me while she's on the road. None of it is huge (example: dropping off paper plates for an event she volunteered to help provide supplies for), but I notice that I do feel tense being around her when she's in this state, and I definitely resent her inability to stay self-regulated and, quite frankly, handle her own crap.

Not surprisingly, I am introverted and tend to take care of my own to-do lists on my own; in fact, when I involve her, which is rare, I usually hear how I should handle things her way instead (the unasked-for advice is a form of control, of course).

Any suggestions on how not to let the resentment build up? I see a life coach, and he's suggested saying things like "Sorry, I can't help you with that" (no further explanation) or "Can you come up with a solution that doesn't involve me?" I hate the idea of having pre-baked excuses as to why I can't do things for her, and if I call her out as endlessly needy, she'll wail about it. Perhaps I should just let her wail and do my best not to get sucked into her drama.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with your life coach: "Sorry, I can't help you with that" (no further explanation) or "Can you come up with a solution that doesn't involve me?" and provide no reasons.

[hhaw]

IOS:

That frustration might be telling you to research codependence and see if anything rings true.

It surely did for me.

Good luck,

[SonofThunder]

Hello IsleofSong,

I have my experiences on this topic, and imo, its all control, which is not only a power feed for the PD, but also a way for the predator/parasite PD to monitor the 'temperature' of their host, so they can stay one-step ahead on offensive (vs defensive) maneuvering.  It is all part of the grand IDD cycle and the Karpman drama 🔺 triangle role dances that assist the IDD.

Once I became aware of the increasing request patterns with my PD's, I designed this quick mental checklist for my own decision-making and stick to it in full self-control.  I mentally run down this in my mind when asked by anyone for assistance, not just the PD's in my life. 

1. Do I desire to participate. Yes, I will participate.  No: Go to step 2

2. Can the other person(s) actually satisfy the need (in some possible manner) by themselves?  If yes, I will not participate.  If its chore related, I will possibly encourage them to do it/learn it themselves.  If I can be of assistance in them acquiring a new skill, I may assist them the first time but not thereafter.

3. Is their need truly necessary (mandatory vs choice or able to do another way) or unnecessary?  If unnecessary, then #1 and #2 apply.  If it's a difficult decision by me, I may choose the helpful decision because I also don't desire to spend a lot of mental energy wrestling with myself afterwards.  If I see a repetitive pattern with this type of need, I will say no to the 2nd time and any time thereafter.

4. Is there a need because of a true limitation on the abilities of the person(s)?  #1-3 apply.

5. Is there another friend/family member who desires to help this person(s), other than myself?  If it's a time consuming task, then I will encourage this if #3 and #4 also fit the situation.

6. Is there a willing volunteer or paid professional that can be hired by this person(s) to help with the situation?  Same as #5

7. If tension, quietness, anger or punishment happens because this person(s) is disappointed in my ongoing or specific choice(s) for myself, I will potentially protect myself further from any negative experiences.

Wishing you all the best,

SoT

[square]

When I am asked something that I feel like doesn't belong to me and is from an out-of-equilibrium relationship, I feel theoretically fine declining.

I just don't want to pay the price.

From one person, the price is anger. From another person, the price is this screechy panicky response that jolts my adrenaline up and urges me to scurry and fiix the problem so the screeching and judgments and accusations stop.

So, for me, Fear keeps me under control.

I'm not perfect but the thing that has helped me to wiggle out of this control is to accept that they will respond this way. I don't have to fix it. These people will think horrible things about me. But they already do and I'm no longer willing to be held hostage.

I can't do this TINY LITTLE THING?????
Nope.

After ALL THEY'VE DONE FOR ME
Nope.

SO UNGRATEFUL
I guess.

I just have to accept it.

[11JB68]

IOS, I feel I have similar experiences

[Amy-Rose]

My situation wasn't the same exactly as mine was a best friend who lived opposite me meaning I was handy and close when she wanted something, but I had more wiggle room to say no. It would be things like:
"I've been another weekend away (she had an obsession with holidays - she'd gone on like 11-12 a year!) under the assumption that my unreliable, alcoholic, drug addicted nephew would look after my dog and had suddenly let me down. Can you take her as well as my other dog for two nights - actually make that three at the last minute - cheers."
Not really my problem if she's going to rely on someone unreliable without checking before holiday herself into a retreat weekend. I could say no. But she relied on my love and care for her dogs and would use the whole "thinking of putting one deaf and one partially blind dog into a kennel" as manipulation.

It was tricky for me because a kennel was the last place they should be with their backgrounds. It wasn't like she had no friends and family to ask...it was just always a pressure put on me. She never asked her other friends, they seemed to do very little for her but remained people she treated with respect. That's what got me. There was no respect for my time as I was often asked to give up a weekend to look after her very old dogs (one who had bowel and bladder incontinence) only 2 days before her leaving. No gratitude and I was never offered any form of payment, nor did she do anything back for me.

I was able to lay it on the line a bit more. Her wanting dogs but also wanting constant breaks every month - not my problem. It's harder in a marriage. Maybe you need to think: How much she does for you. Will she help you out if asked. If the answer is yes, then maybe you need to just do those little things.

If not or it's too much then maybe let her know that. I wish I could be more helpful.

[square]

Another thought. I didn't just go cold turkey on my husband. I would put some kind of condition on agreeing. So either I'd agree to only part of the request, or condition it on him doing something for me, or maybe I'd just agree but do the absolute minimum and refuse to worry about it. Even if I caved, I at least made him work through my resistance, and ultimately I stopped my reassuring SURE NO PROBLEM I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT in favor of a sigh and reluctant agreement which drives him up four walls.

[Jolie40]

she's going on a week long work trip?

my husband used to travel several times/year for work & it's very stressful going on work trips.....long hrs/less sleep/missed connections, getting sick on trips, etc

if he asked me to help, I would.....I have brought him to airport, picked up dry cleaning, etc

last time he was on work trip, he came back sick & was sick for 2 months!
went to Dr twice, on 2 different antibiotics

[IsleOfSong]

Thanks for all the replies, everybody.

SoT, I love that flow chart analysis (if that's the term for it). I imagine you are able to run through all those if/then scenarios quickly, whereas I get caught up in the emotion of the moment and tend to just cave in to her requests to avoid conflict (building up my resentment along the way). Not great.

I frequently do something similar to what square mentioned — I often make my displeasure known, thinking that the resistance will get through to my wife, but it doesn't really work. Her "need" for my "help" the next time trumps anything I've said overtly in the past.

Best path forward seems to be: When an annoying request comes, assess my needs and my ability to help if it's truly needed, and then get comfortable with being the "bad guy" if she doesn't like where I land. Oh, and whoever said that "No is a complete sentence" is right.

[SonofThunder]

Isle of Song,

Yes, it was a quick-thought drill down, in the moment that I analyzed the request. (I say 'was' because Im separated).  The list may seem long, but its not, because its a planned quick thought where either I desire to help (a "yes"), or I go straight into a positive-attitude problem solving sequence for her (so she could get the to-do accomplished) because I don't desire to assist.  I could just say "no", but i know that draws drama 🔺triangle fire. Problem solving is actually help as well 😉 and puts the ball safely back over the net. 

I want to suggest that you remember that the true subject of a request for assistance SHOULD be the PD accomplishing a created 'to-do', not the 'who'.  If the subject quickly turns from 'to-do' to 'who', when the problem solving of the drill down begins, then the true motive of the request was not really the 'to-do'.  The drill-down's goal is to stay focused on the 'to-do' but very quickly reveals the true subject/true motive of the PD.

When the motive of 'who' is revealed, its purely control and self-protective boundaries using the toolbox is the procedure that follows. 

SoT