Unfaithful wife, thinking of divorce

[Working_Instance]

I have been married for a decade now and have a >6 year old daughter. 6 months into our marriage, I had caught my wife chatting on a daily basis with her ex-boyfriends. There was a shitshow after I threatened to walk out. But I gave her another chance (which was a vary bad decision)

6 months ago, I again caught her flirting with a random guy on phone. She said it's nothing and assured me that she will stop communication with him.

She was away for a couple of months due to a wedding in her family. After she came back, I found inappropriate messages being exchanged with a guy. The chat settings for this guy were set on "auto delete" mode. I also found her trying to hide the screen when typing and once when I walked into the room she was, she hurriedly put the phone away, clearly not wanting me to see that she was chatting with someone. I believe she might have slept with this guy when she was away for couple of months (she was in the same city as him).

Basically, she has never changed. She just got better at fooling me. Even now, it's not just one guy. She keeps chatting with multiple people on facebook/Instagram/whatsapp, many times chats initiated by her.

I can't live with this person anymore. Don't even want to see her face. But haven't left the house or asked her to leave yet because of our daughter.

For now,

I have been behaving grey rock/medium chill behaviour towards her

She is perplexed at the coldness in my behaviour and has been love bombing me. I haven't given in

I intend to speak to the lawyer next

"Cheating in a nutshell" and "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" books have really helped me. I am now starting to read "Not a Nice Guy Anymore"

It's not going to be easy. Even my parents are going to give me shit when I tell them I want a divorce. And for no fault of hers, my daughter is going to suffer - we are very close.

It feels great to put all this out here. This forum has been a great help!

[bloomie]

Working_Instance - Hi there and welcome. Thank you for trusting us with a glimpse of the now decades long atmosphere of disrespect and invalidation  you have been living under. The underlying tension and hypervigilence that you live with have to take a huge toll on your energy and well being. The level of disloyalty you describe has to corrode everything good in the relationship.

One of our wise founding members says something like this... when someone treats you good 90% of the time and terrible 10% of the time you feel bad 100% of the time. I can certainly vouch for how pervasive and undermining living this way can be.

I hope you find the toolbox, other online resources, book recommends and the interactions on the boards a support and source of insights as you take the next steps in your relationship that you feel are best for you. Sending you wisdom and strength as you go forward!

[SonofThunder]

Another warm welcome here, Working Instance.  Sorry to read you have experienced the unfaithfulness and possible infidelity.  +1 to everything Bloomie wrote.  You are among likeminded people here at Out of the FOG and like-experienced as well. 

Theres always an empty chair or two around the forum board campfires where we have great meaningful conversation, and understanding in sympathy and empathy for one another.  See you around the boards. 

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

So sorry to read of your situation.

I can understand you
Might feel like your decision to get back together at 6 months was a mistake.

I can remember being at a place where I was planning my exit then at almost 15 years of marriage I became pregnant.   

Things seemed great for a few years after then then started going bad.  We had a second kid ulduring that time. 

I am not at the point they are almost grown and out of the house. 

I am still unsure of staying was the beat idea.  These are not easy decisions.

I am glad you are reading books and seeking legal advise.  I hope these actions bring you clarity when making tough decisions as you go forward.