Is this acceptable

[Forgotnameandaddress]

My job is stressful, my partner asked me a few weeks ago, who did I go to release stress. I don't really have anyone, formal, friends perhaps but I don't want to overwhelm them.. I took this as permission to look to see if I could find somewhere to be able to do this.
I heard of a charity  ( that doeswork in the community that I really like the sound of but also could provide people to talk to. I thought would be good to go and see what they did in practice , so I arranged a time to go and see them.

I went and really liked what they did, was thinking I might be able to volunteer too, as I was talking with them about their work I realised I would like to go there to talk my stuff through as well., it kind of became that then, so I arranged another time.
I went home and my partner is furious, says I lied to her, asked me to leave them alone as she couldn't speak to me and if I really needed someone to talk with then maybe I shouldn't be doing my job. Am I being unreasonable, I didn't actually lie as I didn't know whether I would really feel comfortable with them. She clearly still furious with me , we haven't spoken about it since and I'm afraid of what her reaction will be, if I try to defend myself, I did try yesterday but she doesn't believe me.

[Poison Ivy]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Only you can decide whether your partner's behavior is acceptable.

[Wardog]

 You absolutely have the right to a life outside of your relationship.  It's very helpful for your sanity, and it is highly recommended on this site. My counselor recommends it also. If she doesn't like it, that's her problem. My experience with my wife has shown me that no matter what I do, she will find a way to have a problem with it, so I don't consider her opinions valid anymore. It's a sad thing to feel that way, but it's also necessary.  If you know what you are doing is right and proper, carry on. At least you'll know why she's mad. (For a change.  )

[moglow]

You didn't lie. Cheat. Steal. Disrespect. Cause harm. To anyone. You made a conscious decision as an adult, with the only intent to address your stress level. Tell me why that is wrong.

From where I'm sitting, it looks like she set you up to fail. Seemingly suggest something that might help you then she activates her mad. No, you didn't discuss it further or ask her permission, and you don't have to. You also don't have to explain it now. You listened to what she said and considered the options, looked into it further. Sometimes getting them over their mad isn't ours to fix.

[Forgotnameandaddress]

Moglow, thank you for that, I really needed to hear it, I'm tearful now. There's also something nagging at me too, why doesn't she want me to speak to someone, I'm wondering if she's scared I will say something about her or is it a power thing, or what. Also, does the why matter? I guess it does to me but maybe that's part of me wanting to understand what I can't.

[Forgotnameandaddress]

I'm also , not sure what to do when she comes back ( she went out ) , do I try to explain myself, do try to get myself out of where she has convinced herself of my lies, or do I just ignore it all ? Not sure I can bear the lack of closeness, the distance, the freezing out.

[Poison Ivy]

I have found that attempting to explain myself to a person who behaves like your partner is behaving usually doesn't improve the situation. I suggest that you don't talk about the situation more with your partner and that you maintain your connection with the organization that has people whom you can safely talk to.

[square]

Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.

Just get it set in your own head to you are FINE and there is nothing wrong with volunteering and connecting with other people.

You can let her deal with her feelings without attempting to fix it.

She will feel how she feels about it, and that's that. You don't need to try to change her feelings or change your plans. You're FINE.

Her feelings will be loud to you and it may feel very disorienting as you try to figure out exactly what she is upset about and why. You will assume you are missing something because surely her feelings must make some kind of sense though they seem totally at odds with how you understood the world.

But just because her voice is loud doesn't make it normal, true, correct, or reasonable. Just loud.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Forgotnameandaddress]

Ok, so I tried to have a talk to clear the air as to what was going on in my head when I went to the charity. I thought I had explained things  and that made sense to me. She has got a bit less distanced, but says nothing has changed for her at all. I feel like she's playing with me, one minute she's cuddling then says that it's no different. This is horrible, thought I had really managed to get across where I was coming from, and was hoping for her to see it. We have had these bad times before but usually after a talk, with me apologising for everything that I said and done, things got better. Now it's not. How am I supposed to go on like this.

[moglow]

We have had these bad times before but usually after a talk, with me apologizing for everything that I said and done, things got better.

So... You apologized? For what exactly - for realizing you need help managing your stress and failing to ask "permission" (your word) to approach someone about it?? Holy mother of... That's not how adult relationships work, brother. There's give and take, push and pull, encouraging and (yes) disagreeing at times too. But it's two side, both working with and supporting the other. This sounds a whole lot NOT like that at all. This sounds like you sweeping up, apologizing and groveling enough to soothe her feelings until the next mindless explosion, where it all starts over again at her whim.

What if -stay with me here- you just carried on with life as normal at this point? No more apologies for whatever "harm" you didn't cause. No more "honey I'm so sorry I didn't ask you first and you didn't agree with me and that'll never happen again." No more tippy toeing around her while she works through whatever she worked up for herself. Why not go about about your day with the sure knowledge that she'll get over this -or not- without beating it to death? You already explained. It's done. What's he does with that isn't yours to manage - it's hers. Let her do that.

Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.

Just get it set in your own head to you are FINE and there is nothing wrong with volunteering and connecting with other people.

You can let her deal with her feelings without attempting to fix it.

She will feel how she feels about it, and that's that. You don't need to try to change her feelings or change your plans. You're FINE.

Her feelings will be loud to you and it may feel very disorienting as you try to figure out exactly what she is upset about and why. You will assume you are missing something because surely her feelings must make some kind of sense though they seem totally at odds with how you understood the world.

But just because her voice is loud doesn't make it normal, true, correct, or reasonable. Just loud.

That. All that.