Okay, whats the big problem?”

[InTheDragonsDen]

My wife outside doing yard work, dogs bark, I go look from the window in the house, she is talking to someone. I go out 2 minutes later

ME: Who was that you were talking to? (I can tell she is flustered)
My wife: "There was no one. I wasn't talking to anyone"
ME: Was it someone selling something? What were they selling? (My wife is even more flustered)
My wife: "I wasn't talking to anyone".
ME: No no, they were just here.
My wife: "Oh that was nothing"
ME: Were they selling something?
My wife: "That was the person who lives over there" She points vaguely towards some group of houses
ME: What did they want.
My wife: "They told me they were having a celebration" (Private party slang)
Me: Well what did they want?
My wife: "They invited me to their celebration"
ME: Who are they? How do they know you?
My wife: "I went to their house drinking a couple of times" (have no idea who this person is, where he lives, as she has never ever ever talked about them before)

10 minutes go by. My wife is clearly anxious. I know what is coming next.

My wife comes into the bedroom to ask me if I am going to take the dogs now for their walk. In the past, her being anxious has always been related to her wanting to see another man but I was home / with her.
It is about the time I take the dogs for their walk. There are times we go to her parents acreage together for the dogs nightly walk. I ask her if she wants to go to her parents acreage together. She says no she doesn't want to go to her parents acreage tonight and that she only wants to go to the small store near our house (less than 200 M). She says she will just be a minute and be right back.
She turns left to go to the small store, turning right would be going to her parents acreage about a kilometer or so away. Left is also the direction where the person came from to talk to her earlier.
She doesn't return after 10 minutes and I walk to the store, she is not there. I walk back to the house, she is not home and call her and ask her where she is. She says she is at her parents acreage. I start taking the dogs and walking to the acreage. Several minutes later she calls and asks where I am. I tell her halfway to the acreage. It is a long straight road from our house to her parents acreage. Acreage has one entrance / exit. I do not see her leave her parents acreage on my walk. When I am home she is flustered and says that after I called she left her parents acreage and went to the store and then drove home.
I told her what she had said earlier, that she did not want to go to the acreage and was only interested in going to the store and back. Asked her only once why she would leave the house, take the long way to her parents place while driving past the store but not stop at the store.

She became very defensive and said "Okay, whats the big problem?"

I said there is no problem, just forget about it.

Anxiety, need for attention, desires met immediately, lying, compartmentalization,  triangulation, and contempt all rolled into a single afternoon.

[InTheDragonsDen]

I immediately wrote down what she said. If I did not write down her words, I would be doubting myself if it was even real.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Know her patterns well. Know she will never change. She has not mentioned the party invite again, nor provided more information about the house or occupants. At this point, I do not need know and haven't asked. I know.

She is being super sweet now because it is transaction time. She wants the money I will start earning. In her words "Soon you are going to work and we will have a happy life". It is not quite the love bombing phase but the little digs, the put downs, the silent treatment, etc have all stopped but I know worse will eventually roll around should I stay.

[InTheDragonsDen]

PART 2: (5 days later, saying nothing pays off and well worth the wait)

Wife: "Going to my parents house"
Went outside to open the gate for her. With me outside I know if she is or isn't going to her parents house.
Wife " First going to the house of the person who invited me to the party. Want to learn more details about the party".
Me: "Where is this house?"
Wife pointed in a totally different direction than 5 days ago.
Me: "Great I will come with you. I would like to know where this house is"
Wife flash of anger.

Wife in a harsh tone: "I am not going to this person's house. I am going to see my parents"
Wife : "Not going to this party so forget about it" (LOL, bet she will)
Me: "If you do go to this house to get more details I want to come with you"
Wife heads off to her parents house.

Anxiety, need for attention, entitlement, desires met immediately, lying, compartmentalization,  triangulation, and contempt all rolled into a second afternoon.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Wife is back, showered, dressed, casually explained which house she is going (yet different directions) to and gone to party.

The house she was anxious about going to earlier and didn't want to take me to is a different house than the one she casually explained where she went to.

[InTheDragonsDen]

This event is very close to the house and it appears to be little or nothing with this event..
She was gone less than 5 minutes.

All these cryptic words from her and not explaining what is going on must have a purpose. But I am stumped.

[SonofThunder]

Imo, she may be gaslighting you; your paranoia being played. Imo, she's enjoying the control over your actions/reactions. 

A few questions for you:

1. You have well-stated you are future-departing. When you are departed, will you care what she is doing with her time, and where/with whom?

2. If no to #1, why do you care now?

3. Do you currently require her income to afford living?  Im not certain why a job dictates your desired/stated planned departure vs some emergency-type departure/planning in the interim, in the conditions you describe.  There are many who depart the manipulative nonsense, simply because peace and freedom are better than the financial and situational hardship they face in the departure.

4. If she is being potentially unfaithful while you are remaining with her, are you therefore protecting yourself from a potential std?

SoT

[InTheDragonsDen]

she's enjoying the control over your actions/reactions

Yup this was my guess as well.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Believe Dr. Ramani advocates that each person living with a narcissist has to make the best choice for themselves. Some stay, some go. Some can't go for various reasons. There is no 1 best answer for all nons. It is an individual choice.

She also advocates if you are leaving to make a plan and when you leave, go as quickly as possible.

The plan I have made is the best I can think of both for success and reducing costs and being able to exit the property will all my belongings without being impeded or getting into an epic drama / her raging. Step 1, go back to work. Step by step.

[escapingman]

ITDD,

Yes you need a plan and you need to stick to it. My uNPDstxw tried to keep the relationship going even after I filed for divorce, she just could not accept loosing her supply and control. In the end it got so bad I had to escape even though we were supposed to be halfway through the divorce negotiations. I filed for a protection order, then on the day she was delivered the notice I left and have never spoken to her again. I had her removed from the house and she left quietly without thrashing anything.

You are doing great ITDD, you see the situation and you are accepting it and planning for the future.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Just doing the best I can after painting myself into a corner with the wife and in my case, the first 6 years there were red flags but few and far between mostly because we were living busy! Always something new on the horizon.

[InTheDragonsDen]

My changes in the last 3 months:
Stopped drinking alcohol. Never really drank before. Would maybe have a glass at New Year's. Found myself having 3-6 drinks a week about 6 months back. Back to zero and not needing or feeling I need.

Stopped the comfort food and weight dropping and feeling better.

Walks are about the same but more enjoyable.

Writing here and in my journal has helped transfer bad habits into helpful habits. Especially the journal detailing the caustic remarks to the rages and how it made me feel.

[square]

Good job! And amazing you could do this while still in the thick of things.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Thanks Square, I still get triggered by her games. It still upsets me. I vent here or elsewhere and it is gone soon afterwards. The anxiety is gone, the feeling of my chest vibrating is gone. I know what I need do. Hope that I can take the next and final step.