Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

[Sapling]

If this book was the only resource a target-person (non) consulted, when dealing with a PD's behaviors, the target imo, would be a bit under-informed.  Therefore, I believe the book needs to spend a little more time differentiating between EI and disorders, so the reader doesn't just lump their potential PD person into the EI category and also researches the PD behaviors as well, so the non can make an informed opinion on what they are dealing/dealt with, and understand themselves better as well.  You have the knowledge of both EI and PD.  Did you come upon PD first and then learn of EI? 

Well said SoT! I see what you mean. I did indeed come upon PD knowledge first and so I knew what I was dealing with already before I came to read this book.

Another book that might be of use in your "private study/investigation on how 2 out of 3 children (my 80 yr old mother and her 2 siblings) both married disordered husbands" is Pia Mellody's 'Facing Love Addiction'. I'm going to post a review of it on this board when I have a bit more time, but it also does not specifically mention PDs ... However, I think the dynamics it explores reflect relationships many of us on here have had with PDs. It was a real eye opener for me.

I have so appreciated this conversation so thanks again for your thoughts and insight.

[SonofThunder]

If this book was the only resource a target-person (non) consulted, when dealing with a PD's behaviors, the target imo, would be a bit under-informed.  Therefore, I believe the book needs to spend a little more time differentiating between EI and disorders, so the reader doesn't just lump their potential PD person into the EI category and also researches the PD behaviors as well, so the non can make an informed opinion on what they are dealing/dealt with, and understand themselves better as well.  You have the knowledge of both EI and PD.  Did you come upon PD first and then learn of EI? 

Well said SoT! I see what you mean. I did indeed come upon PD knowledge first and so I knew what I was dealing with already before I came to read this book.

Another book that might be of use in your "private study/investigation on how 2 out of 3 children (my 80 yr old mother and her 2 siblings) both married disordered husbands" is Pia Mellody's 'Facing Love Addiction'. I'm going to post a review of it on this board when I have a bit more time, but it also does not specifically mention PDs ... However, I think the dynamics it explores reflect relationships many of us on here have had with PDs. It was a real eye opener for me.

I have so appreciated this conversation so thanks again for your thoughts and insight.

Sapling, thanks so much for the book recommendation!  I believe it's SO important to understand the PD side of things, and also the tools to assist ourselves as best possible.  But as I said, I am also fascinated with the flip-side of PD relationships.  We non's have unique traits that attract users/abusers and we can be easily transformed into the 'caretaker' role, in a cult-like steady brainwashing by the highly skilled PD's. 

The EI book is additional education on the non-PD cousin and in similar ways, EI parents have a way of raising natural caretakers who have wonderful, but easily manipulated traits and personalities.  In my deep dive into my mothers side, by extensive private interviewing of the eldest daughter (my mothers 85 yr old sister) I have learned so very much of what occurred in their young lives that transformed them both into natural caretakers.  My aunt was in a very mentally and emotionally manipulative marriage for 25 years and only in the 23rd year, realized that she had been basically brainwashed to serve the every need of her husband and he creatively kept her unbalanced and manipulated. 

But what was also so interesting was the role of culture, in her parents molding of the two girls.  In that generation and prior, women were expected to fit certain specific roles and these girls were brought up to be 'superwomen'.  In deeper investigations into the two husbands (my uncle and father), I also learned of the very difficult and high-expectation homes these boys were raised in, and they both were basically ignored, punished and left on their own to raise themselves in homes where the parents were driven to themselves succeed, deal with difficult family members and favorite compliance children, neither of which were my uncle and father.  Fathers were hard working, but detached and mothers were busy being homemakers and women's group leaders with little time spent with children, but very demanding.  Children were expected to be seen and not heard.   

Therefore the culture of that day, was ALSO like an EI parent, as the culture of the roles, in the rise of mass-media, gave birth to the rat race to be-all and in the race, children were pushed aside to raise themselves.  In these two families, underdevelopment occurred in the boys and what resulted was two PD user-men, who located two naturally people-pleasing 'caretaker' ladies and manipulated them into caretaking their every need.  My mother has been married 60 years to my uNPDf and to this day, is highly manipulated, both mentally, emotionally and financially.  She is completely worn out and my 85 year old father is still a man with energy and self trophy-building dreams. 

My aunt remarried a non 25 years ago, saw a therapist for many years and is very much aware of her past life, her past husband and how her sister (my mom) is still trapped in the cult.  Yet, my mother is very caretaker-defensive and any talk from her sister regarding the reality of my harsh father, gets shut down.  So my mother and her sister have a very 'surface' relationship.  It's truly fascinating.  I believe their parents were EI's as well as the culture of that day served as an EI parent as well. 

SoT

[gj438]

Hello everyone,

I know I am a bit late to reply to this topic but I have heard about this book very recently and am hesitating to buy it because of the price. I listened to a podcast by Lindsay Gibson and it really resonated with my experience with my mum. My mum is emotionnally immature and for some time I have been able to navigate into this relationship better, before hearing of this book, when I realised that her behaviour was always closer to the behaviour of a 5 year old than the behaviour of an adult, and therefore I stopped expecting adult behaviours from her. However, one thing has changed. This month I am going to be a mum myself, and while waiting for my daughter to be born, I'm thinking a lot about this relationship with my mum. How can I shield my daughter from my mum ? How can I shield myself ? My main technique is to avoid sensitive topics with her and to avoid showing vulnerability. As a new mum it will be impossible not to be vulnerable in front of her, when she comes to visit, and I don't want to tell her not to come because I don't want a huge drama at this sensitive moment, and because I want my dad to be there (he is not immature).

So I was wondering if you guys who have read the book could tell me whether I could find in it some leads about how I could deal with this situation ?

Cheers

[LemonLime]

Just FYI for everyone, I believe the book is available free in PDF format on the internet.
That's how I read it last year.