How Death Can Help You To Set Needed Boundaries

[Pepin]

How Death Can Help You To Set Needed Boundaries - Pamela Byrd, YouTube

I listened to this short podcast this morning on YouTube and it got me thinking about all the other PDs that I no longer have in my life anymore after CN MIL's death.  In a short amount of time, they all went radio silent.  Without their ring leader, CN MIL, they have no reason to be a part of my life anymore.  In essence, her death has brought about a new way of living for me.  Boundaries that I was unable to set before, are now attainable.  CN MIL believed that we all had to stick together under her reign whether we wanted to or not - and she would manufacture scenarios for us all to be together.  The way that she kept us all in order enabled her to strategically triangulate within small groups and then pit those familial groups against each other.  Grandchildren were ranked against their siblings and their cousins; her children were ranked against their siblings and their spouses; and entire families of her children were ranked against the other families.  Now, no more.  I continue to be sickened from time to time when I remember how much control she had over everyone.  I have said this repeatedly over the years: she knew exactly what she was doing.  And since she couldn't have the happy/ ideal family, her children couldn't either. 

What a relief that this reign of pain is finally in the past.

I hope the above podcast I referenced is helpful. 

[Srcyu]

I agree.
The demise of my ubpd mother cleared the way perfectly. The reign of pain is over. How true.

The one and only benefit imo of having an un-worthwhile relationship with a parent,  is that their death may not hit you terribly hard. My indifference to her passing is a gift, grief shall not trouble me.

Their power goes with them. Some lesser family members may try to fill their shoes but generally speaking no-one was quite as bad as the original.


milly

[Pepin]

I agree.
The demise of my ubpd mother cleared the way perfectly. The reign of pain is over. How true.

The one and only benefit imo of having an un-worthwhile relationship with a parent,  is that their death may not hit you terribly hard. My indifference to her passing is a gift, grief shall not trouble me.

Their power goes with them. Some lesser family members may try to fill their shoes but generally speaking no-one was quite as bad as the original.


milly

Absolutely - their power goes with them.  While there were lesser family members who supported her, seems that they have no agenda to fill - and because I already had some boundaries set with them anyway.  They also know that my husband has zero sway over any sort of future boundaries I may choose to enact if it ever were to come down to that.  One PD family member was fizzling out before CN MIL passed and dramatically changed their ways -- and thankfully their children will attend to them rather than DH for any caregiving.  DH's siblings don't even have a whiff of control over me because I know too much and could effectively use it to shut them all down.  CN MIL mistakenly shared unsavory aspects with me about her other children alongside treating me like garbage.

When CN MIL died, it was just another day for me.  There were no feelings around grief as I had already been dealing with those.  Rather, it was time to start cleaning up her stuff, something that I excel at and wholeheartedly embraced.   

[Jolie40]

MIL believed that we all had to stick together under her reign whether we wanted to or not - and she would manufacture scenarios for us all to be together.

yes, all holidays & most b'days HAD to be @ PD parent's house

at first we held our child's b'days where we wanted but inevitably PD parent would have an excuse not to come....she skipped several b'day parties

so we ended up giving in & holding a few b'days @ PD parent's house per her request
I just don't understand why everything had to be her way & she wouldn't come to our child's b'day (her grandchild) when/where we wanted it held!
one time we even held child's b'day @ PD's favorite restaurant & still she was a no show!

now that she is gone, there doesn't seem like there will ever be any "all the family" get togethers
even though I have several siblings, I don't anticipate anyone willing to host a holiday
I was the last sibling to have everyone over

[Poison Ivy]

And sometimes a person's death reduces or eliminates the need for boundaries.

[Pepin]

And sometimes a person's death reduces or eliminates the need for boundaries.

  Yeah, this is a good one.  All the different boundaries I had to set with CN MIL, I generally don't have to do with anyone else.  It was an exhausting way to live.  And now that I know what that is like, I'll never allow someone like her to cross my threshold again.  Not having to constantly stay steps ahead in vigilance, also allows me to be more attentive where I need to be.  What a relief that that particular cycle is over.  I have a lot of living left to do after years of just surviving. 

[Pepin]

Her behaviour made me have more empathy for my mom. Even though she was abusive it made me wonder if part of her narcissism was a survival strategy to evade the other abusive narcs in the family.

This is something that I still keep in the back of my head...I sense that this also may have been the case for CN MIL and perhaps DH has been holding back on certain truths about his mother from her past.  Regardless however, abuse is abuse.  Unless those facts are shared with me, how could I have been more empathetic than I was?  For much of my married life, I have been trying to understand DH's family.  Not much has been said and everyone seems tight lipped.  They only talk about the "good" things. 

At CN MIL's funeral, not much was said either.  And what was said, was actually stuff I had never heard or before and it left me feeling ruffled.  A certain story was told about her that presented her as being proud but it actually came off as boastful - and I do not know if that was intentional by the person who told the story or not?  It wasn't a very good eulogy...sadly.  But then again, what was there to say about her?  She was a terribly transactional person with other people.  I could say a lot about that....but it would lack substance and sound boring as hell.  Nothing set her apart from others except her odd behavior that DH swiftly made excuses for.  She literally had nothing else going on in her life at her own hand. 

I am sorry that you were treated so horribly for telling the truth.  I think if I had spoken some truths about CN MIL....people would have laughed at how ridiculous she was.  Actually, I got a couple of jabs in while she was alive though....and it was well received by those who had also been treated as less than by her.  And she didn't have her favorite son (DH) near her at that moment to defend her when I spoke up.   

[tommom]

I agree.


After my NPD/BPD M died, the family dynamic changed. Our holidays are so relaxed, so easy. My sisters and I have our own Christmas and get together the day after. It is fun. No mother to have to deal with, demanding that we ALL be with HER on a birthday or holiday. Instead we just laugh alot now.

It really is sad. All I suspect she wanted was to have a lovely, pleasant day, but she always had to put herself in the forefont. So now, that is what we have, but only because she is gone.

[Boat Babe]

One of my close friends had a very difficult mother. The first Christmas after she died, my friend said that had the best Christmas ever. It wasn't a raucause celebration that year because of the bereavement, but it was just nice. No stress, no walking on eggshells, no screaming and shouting, everyone getting on, the children really happy and enjoying the family traditions etc. Says a lot really. I don't want my friends and family to be devastated and griefstricken by my passing (well maybe for a couple of weeks!)  but neither do I want them to be relieved!