sister going to rehab tomorrow

[fevredream]

my sister is going to court ordered rehab tomorrow.  I wish I thought it would make a difference.  I honestly don't believe she will make it through the whole 30 days without something major happening.  probably some kind of physical fight.  I really hope she proves me wrong but to even type out the word 'hope' makes me realize that I have only about 5 grains of hope left.  I used to have a huge container of hope, like a 25lb bag of it.  I was optimistic. I was generally happy.  I believed in the good in people.  now I have almost none.  no hope, no optimism, nothing.  everyday is a struggle to fight through.  I just don't have anything left.

[Leonor]

Hey fevre,

People who love and care about addicts are just in the most excruciating, exhausting space. Of course you are torn between wanting to hope and fearing to hope, to doubt and then feel guilty, to care and then feel angry.

(Please know as I share my thoughts here that I do so as the daughter, granddaughter, cousin, sibling and daughter in law of people who were addicts, and some of them recovered and most of them did not. I'm not coming at you with heat, but stretching out a hand, if you want it.)

It is really easy to fall into a codependent symbiosis with the addicted family member: she's in trouble, you're worried; she's in rehab, you're hopeful; she's in relapse, you're devastated.

But here's the thing. She is an addict. She has crossed a legal boundary. She has court ordered rehab. She may change or not change or get into trouble or not get into trouble. Not you.

You are a separate person. There is no need to hope or doubt or stress or frighten yourself or escape into fantasy by imagining this or that scenario, or exhaust yourself with worry and angst. You can't control your sister. And her choices and actions, as you are both adults, are frankly none of your business. If she starts a fight at rehab, what does that have to do with you? If she embraces sobriety, what does that have to do with you? Nada.

Fevre, I very much encourage you to consider the next 30 days as a space for you to start your own rehab program. Go to an Al Anon meeting, or Codependents Anonymous. Check out local resources for the healing journey for families in addiction. Heck, watch "Intervention" - half the show is the interventionist counseling family members on how addiction is a generational disease and the importance of treatment for everyone.

You care about your sister. You want the best for her. You are an empathetic sibling and she is lucky to have someone in her life who so desperately hopes that she heals. But driving yourself into the ground with codependent worry is not going to help her, and it will only cause resentment and bitterness in you.

She's in safe hands for 30 days. What about you? Who's going to take care of fevre?