What to setup afterwards to protect yourself? [Canada]

Vivid · April 05, 2023, 07:35:23 AM

Hi everyone,

I'm posting here looking for information and feedback on the more "technical"/"formal" details.
Long story short, I first visited here a few years back. I had an idea in my youth. Let's just say with the pandemic and life not being meant to be fair, things did not work out for me and plans changed. I am in a much better position now and I finally cut contact with my family.

Then came the fake lovebombing messages and the fake wellness checks. I do not respond to their messages (they go straight to spam on an email account I've had for a very long time, otherwise I've changed my phone number, they do not know my address although they know what area I live in, and we have no common people between us). I've already explained the situation to the police.

I continue to see those annoying little messages where they want to find me. This was a fear of mine before I cut contact, but I've genuinely had enough, it was time to live my life.

Right now, I have a secure apartment so doorbell cameras, etc. are not necessary right now. (side note: my workplace is secure as well, no way they can just waltz on in here)

I can't exactly get any legal orders (I think?) yet. If someone could please correct me or explain that'd be great. From my understanding, I told them I want no contact. If they were to show up on my doorstep, that's when I record everything, don't answer the door, call the cops, then I have grounds for a legal order.

I looked into power of attorney in the past, but something that I was stressing about is that I don't exactly have anyone to be an executor unless I leave that in the hands of a law firm?

What am I missing? Is there something else I should be thinking about?

Thank you in advance!

moglow · April 05, 2023, 09:53:37 AM

Depending on where you are, I believe there has to be a threat of actual physical violence for a restraining order to be issued. I'm not entirely sure it's done in the case of harassment, even if they/parents were to show up repeatedly. Guessing they could be asked to leave but there's nothing to stop them returning later. Mine would be so horrified at law enforcement being called, that'd probably be that - appearances, you know.

I think you'd need to focus on your own potential responses, if any. Don't open the door, keep walking if confronted outside your home/work. No response whatsoever other than if they were to try and block you, politely asking that they let go and that you be left alone. Their behavior is all on them, as yours is on you.

I'm sorry you even have to consider all this but I'm sure there's a peace in it too, or there will be.

Vivid · April 05, 2023, 10:07:24 AM

Quote from: moglow on April 05, 2023, 09:53:37 AM
Depending on where you are, I believe there has to be a threat of actual physical violence for a restraining order to be issued. I'm not entirely sure it's done in the case of harassment, even if they/parents were to show up repeatedly. Guessing they could be asked to leave but there's nothing to stop them returning later. Mine would be so horrified at law enforcement being called, that'd probably be that - appearances, you know.

I think you'd need to focus on your own potential responses, if any. Don't open the door, keep walking if confronted outside your home/work. No response whatsoever other than if they were to try and block you, politely asking that they let go and that you be left alone. Their behavior is all on them, as yours is on you.

I'm sorry you even have to consider all this but I'm sure there's a peace in it too, or there will be.

Yes, I put my country in the thread title but I'm sure there might be regional differences in other countries too as well! I've heard/read of things such as no-contact orders, and those are completely different from restraining orders which sort of adds to the confusion/doubt so I'm hoping if there's someone who's been in this position, they can ELI5 based on their experience.

With my responses [or lack thereof] I think I have that settled, I'm just trying to cover all my bases.

JoJo · April 05, 2023, 10:28:06 AM

Hi! Good for you! All the steps you've taken are amazing. In my state in the US, there are a couple of different types of restraining orders. One is a stalking protection order, which doesn't necessarily have to be about physical violence. I think stalking is considered criminal harassment in Canada too. Best wishes to you. You deserve peace.

treesgrowslowly · April 11, 2023, 09:16:12 AM

Read up on the stalking laws in your jurisdiction so you know what the police response is supposed to be if you do encounter behaviours that fall under the current laws for stalking or harassment.

You may want to call around to a few lawyers in your area to ask if they have experience helping people who have family members trying to contact them. Many lawyers are probably not strangers to these sorts of situations and may have some good advice for you. Estate lawyers probably know a thing or two about families where there is estrangement. It isn't uncommon at all these days.

Some may offer advice on the phone call, or some may meet with you for a fee to share what they know from past experiences with situations similar to yours. This can provide you with some peace of mind hopefully about what resources can help you.

From being on the boards here for a long time I have seen that a lot of people document any and all attempts at contact so that you have this info if you ever need it for any reason. You might never need such info but better to have it.

Going no contact is stressful and you shouldn't feel bad about not knowing all the ins and outs of it all. Maybe talking to counsellor will give you an opportunity to list the concerns you have, and they can help you identify some things you can do to alleviate your concerns. They can talk with you about the stress of not having a power of attorney. They can appreciate that this is a process for you that is stressful.

When I first went no contact I had bad dreams for a while, and it was good to talk to counsellors about the way that the stress was hitting me some days, and literally waking me up at night sometimes.

Trees

frogjumpsout · April 17, 2023, 09:49:29 AM

I'm in the US, but wanted to add a thanks for the encouragement to read up on local laws! In my jurisdiction, a person can get arrested and jailed for repeated attempts at contacting someone who doesn't want to be contacted. Good to know!

Zia · November 17, 2023, 12:51:06 PM

Quote from: Vivid on April 05, 2023, 07:35:23 AMI can't exactly get any legal orders (I think?) yet. If someone could please correct me or explain that'd be great. From my understanding, I told them I want no contact. If they were to show up on my doorstep, that's when I record everything, don't answer the door, call the cops, then I have grounds for a legal order.

Since you have personally communicated to them that you do not want any contact. And if they have violated that then that means they are harassing you. In Canada, I believe it is considered as criminal harrassment. Consider consulting to a family lawyer and ask if they can assist in sending those people who are harassing you a "Cease and Desist" letter. It is basically warning them of what can potentially happen if they continue on stalking, harassing or doing things that are not acceptable to you including getting to you through a 3rd party (them using your friends, your church, workplace etc. to get to you).

I'm from Ontario and I asked legal advise after my NPs and brother and SIL went to our property uninvited. Some of them touched, checked our mailbox and NM tried to open garage door as if it is theirs and as if we are hiding there. We had cameras to record all these. ANyways after consulting, the lawyer created and sent out the Cease and desist letter to them regarding what they just recently did. Basically I worked with the lawyer in specifying what I want them to stop doing. And the lawyer worded them out in a more legalistic approach. I also told lawyer to put in the document that they cannot communicate or get to my spouse and kids and they cannot use 3rd party to get to us. And then lawyer stated potential consequences if they are violated. So far I have been blessed with silence from NPs, bro and SIL. but some FMs are probably not aware of the legal warning against them and tried to contact me and my spouse.

Quote from: Vivid on April 05, 2023, 07:35:23 AMI looked into power of attorney in the past, but something that I was stressing about is that I don't exactly have anyone to be an executor unless I leave that in the hands of a law firm?

I would suggest to seek help from a family lawyer. They are more familiar with harassment issues related to families.

Call Me Cordelia · November 17, 2023, 01:40:17 PM

In the US here, but 100% to sending the Cease and Desist. It's not a legal document, but it is a formal warning. Feel free to cite the relevant laws that makes their continued attempts to contact you illegal harassment. Further harassment will result in legal consequences.

In my case, I sent it certified mail so that I have my father's signature proving he received it. I also sent copies to my siblings and the flying monkeys, too! Including his own pastor. My children were being threatened and I was taking no chances of plausible deniability from any of them.

It worked. Barely a peep for six years. Good luck.

sunshine702 · December 15, 2023, 09:38:57 AM

I have some knowledge about US law regarding divorce and TRO's Temporary Restraining Orders. A judge will usually grant one that in my state lasted 15 days just for asking- the ex could be arrested for contacting you during that period. They get served and and are made aware of that fact. Everything has to go through the lawyers. Then you get a court date to make it permanent. That is where you would show the evidence of repeated showing up at work or residence. Text messages. Phone calls.

Sadly the cops are overwhelmed enforcing these and often the experts sometimes (but not always) advise that the legal no contact can make things worse in the short term. Some food for thought