After the Accident... Everything Changed

[BefuddledClarity]

So I don't think my 2nd older brother is a PD like my parents, but some traits have been carried over.

I've lived with brother for about a year now, since leaving PDex and have been in-between jobs for a while. The reasons I have left the jobs were: They didn't pay me on time with my paycheck, micromanaging, and having to take son to hospital due to illnesses and job didn't want to work with me nor did they take my son's illness as important and fired me...

I left the last job due to my son getting into a car accident, and management saying "You either follow the schedule like we told you, or you leave" so I left and turnt in my keys.
There was a lot of issues prior to that, with management above me lying about my schedule, when I already discussed it with the regional/hiring manager who's above them.

I was told I'm doing a great job by the RM and she helped me make the job better, bit as I mentioned management right above me was causing issues and lying about what RM was saying...

RM tried to contact me when I left but I felt so tired and already blocked them all. I don't want to go back, and many coworkers saw me leave so two already left as well and two more will be leaving.

Nearly EVERY job, people tell me I do amazing, but I get worked like a dog, and when it comes to my son(he gets sick easy, he has many therapy appointments and has been traumatized, etc) or court they don't want to flex, so I said goodbye.

Anyways...

So that's just a little bit of context.

When my son's car accident occurred, my 2nd older brother went OFF on me, calling me immature, said I changed jobs too much, said I'm a terrible parent, how I'm dirty/nasty at home, and a multitude of things. This is when I asked him if he could pick us up from hospital and he asked for details on car accident.

I just...no friggin parent WANTS their kid to get hurt!!! No one! No NORMAL parent. I was angry but I also realized he was never on my side.

I used to clean the house ALL the time when my super messy younger brother lived with us too(and older brother never said anything to him), I would stock the fridge full of food and share, I bought household items that were necessary like TP and paper towels a d so on.

But with older brother, whoever makes the "most" trash has to take it out (so it's going to be me from cleaning and having son), and he won't buy TP or paper towels either depending on who uses the most (again me!). I don't care about that petty crap and will get supplies when and if I can. So there's literally no more TP or paper towels in the house until I get them.

I'm currently unemployed after the whole...employment issue and will be loading up on supplies first thing.

Also, when my son was in temporary custody with ex's sister...So I'd only get 1hr visits with my son until it gradually increased. I usually had the visit at the park, as the house is in bad condition(and it's my brother's house..)... There was a rule that we couldn't leave visit to go grab extra supplies (I'd it's an older case aide, they let it slide, but new ones follow the rules and it's understandable).

It was a SCORCHING hot day, and I hardly ask my brother for ANYTHING.

I called my older brother asking if he could bring my son a juice, as  I ran out of supplies... He said he's "at the bar" so he can't and "he's busy"... Same with little bro, he was with him. They were "too busy" at the bar...

Another mother overheard me and understood the convo. She said that she already drank a little out of the water bottle, but would be happy to offer us some water. Even the case aide was generous to share his water pack he had in the car.

I was very thankful.
These are people I DON'T know.

Idk...

The way we grew up, my PDfather is very "macho-man" and expected us to fend out for ourselves and ever ask for help, or it's considered "weakness"... My PDmother helps, but turns the help against you, so there's no winning...

At this point, I'm trying to leave his house, but I'm stuck here until I get a (regular) job... I was excited to start my business soon, but everything got set back.

Idk if it's worth going to a DV Shelter like originally was after leaving PDex or...

If I should wait, since my 2nd older brother doesn't even talk to me anymore anyways and just leave without a word when I'm ready.

[notrightinthehead]

Honestly, sounds to me that you desperately need a place where you can feel safe and where there are strict rules that everyone has to adhere to. You need a place where you can re-group and gather some strength to fight another day. So a women's shelter sounds like an option to me. Maybe this might also be a good time to stay clear of men. No boyfriends, no brothers, no uncles... cut all people who are not supportive out of your life. Just you and your child re-building your life.  Take the time you need to calm down and do some healing, clear your mind.  Then take some baby steps, first by finding a way to support yourself and your son, without having to rely on others.

[BefuddledClarity]

Honestly, sounds to me that you desperately need a place where you can feel safe and where there are strict rules that everyone has to adhere to. You need a place where you can re-group and gather some strength to fight another day. So a women's shelter sounds like an option to me. Maybe this might also be a good time to stay clear of men. No boyfriends, no brothers, no uncles... cut all people who are not supportive out of your life. Just you and your child re-building your life.  Take the time you need to calm down and do some healing, clear your mind.  Then take some baby steps, first by finding a way to support yourself and your son, without having to rely on others.

I currently go to DV Support groups, so I shall ask again if they have openings. I get tired of run around. I'm also on government assistance list for housing too and waiting. Everyone say this city have big wait-list, it's insane and we have homeless problem... I used to call everyday and ask when available and it takes forever to get to someone the they say they're back up... I'll try againt though regardless and see where I'm at on the wait-list. I applied a year ago ...

I'm going to also get taxes sorted out today in office to hopefully speed things up and talk to some people I know to get quicker job... I used to frequent bars for karaoke and...they know me there(I don't want to be bartender though, I want to be hidden in the back as a cook or busser)...and a couple of other places some owners/employees recognize me and like me ... So I might try to see if they're hiring.

Thank you for the advice, I'm going to do that. I agree too about maybe avoiding the male-gender(for now)... It's just more traumatizing. The only men in my life that have been helpful and believe in women's rights and try to understand women's issues is my oldest brother who lives in another state and my favourite uncle.

I can't move in where oldest brother is out, because PDmother is there...she used to physically & verbally abuse me, as well as SA. I visited them last time, and she gave me headache.

My PDfather (separated from PDmother) lives in same state as them, but he's gotten old (close to 80y.o. now) and I think slightly delusional?... He's not ...he wasn't abusive towards me when I last visited that state, but he's kinda difficult to deal with.

I know I could technically move out of country to live with "god parents" who are my blood uncle & his wife, but that country is in bad spot based on politics and ...other stuff... Actually, any of my relatives there would probably take me in, but not good country right now.

I want to go to different country somewhere in Europe to reunite with different family. I haven't talk to them in a while, and there is slight language barrier.

I have family around the world, but not sure...how they'd feel about me, so it's best if I figure out my own way to live on my own and just visit then instead of asking to stay with them, because then it is burden.

I'm trying to obtain a work visa to get there.
The taxes will help too, and I'll be free.
I guess I need to just go ahead and start my business and quit holding back, that could also be my ticket.

I'm going to go through my stuff today and get rid of what I don't need and hang on to important stuff (it might be hard to do, since I'm broke currently and don't know if something may come in handy...)

Anyways lol sorry for long ramble.

Again, thanks for advice. I need to do some action now to work towards my goal.
I wasn't expecting to leave job, because next paycheck, I was supposed to move out on a friend's property but that didn't happen...

[BefuddledClarity]

Slight update...I guess my brother and me are good again?? As I mentioned, he's not a PD, but has FLEAS from PDparents...

Last time, I heard from oldest brother was that 2nd older brother felt bad for being harsh with me, but I've been reading into 2B's actions and ... Maybe I'm reading into it too much. I've just been high strung and wondering if he's doing certain things on purpose (ex. Not taking out trash, supplying toilet paper, his door is now always shut whether he's here or not, etc). But could just be busy with work. The only reason I assume, is because he mentioned it before about whoever makes more trash should take it out, but that was long time ago in passing.

We're both normally goofy when we interact, and he gave a sign that indicated to me that we're good so...

Idk...I think I should still move out to give him his own space and me my own.

I feel kinda weird, since I literally just talked mad crap about him in anger right here in this post, but I guess we're good.

I'm going to be taking a "social break" from people here shortly. I don't want to interact much with people I know in real life, as I'm just stressed with other things going on right now in life.

[Leonor]

Hi Befuddled,

Do you know Ilanya Vanzant? She has a podcast now called the R spot, and her episode from just last week about messes, I think, really would resonate with your situation right now! (It certainly did with *my* situation right now, so I'll be relistening right along with you!)

Wishing.you clarity and centeredness!