Are we enabling?

[Adria]

My son has schizophrenia and bi-polar.  He used to cycle every 6 months and enter the hospital for treatment. Now it is every 6 weeks.  We have taken care of him for ten years. We now have him in a group living situation where he has all resources from counseling, lawyers, classes, etc.  They told me they would take care of him, and they are good to him.  However, son is always calling for money, calling with problems and still keeps our life in a current state of upset.  My friends see it is really taking a toll on me and dh and our marriage and finances. 
When do you say enough is enough? Or isn't that an option in this situation.  He does not drink or do drugs.  Proven because he has to take drug and alcohol tests monthly where he lives.  I remember him when he was a wonderful guy, and I think that is why we keep trying.  He is now 37 yrs old.

He will not stay on meds! So on a constant roller coaster ride with him.  We are constantly picking up the pieces of his disastrous life and decisions. (He can't think straight.) Everyone tells us to walk away.  But, it's my son, and he is headed to live on the streets and very vulnerable. 

A friend said to tell him we need a six month break and let him sink or swim.  We are completely exhausted and broken.  Is it time to walk away? What do we do?  Can anyone give us advice on this?  We've been to NAMI support groups, and everyone lives in this vortex with no end in sight. So depressing. I feel if we walk, we are abandoning him, but we are abandoning ourselves as well. It seems there are no concrete answers, no matter what we never win. It's more like a lose - lose situation.

[Poison Ivy]

Adria, I don't think you're enabling your son. You're doing the best you can for him. But you and your husband need a break from the stress. No one will benefit if you or your husband (or both of you) become sick or your marriage or finances are destroyed. The old saying is true: You need to put on your own oxygen mask first.

[notrightinthehead]

I have been trying to put myself in your situation. And for me these questions came up:

If your son were an alcoholic, would it be easier to extend some tough love? 
Because he has a diagnosis of mental illness, do you feel guilty for maybe having caused that?
As a parent, do we have a lifelong duty towards our children because we have given them life?

I can see that the vortex of fear, obligation, and guilt is almost inescapable when it's a child. Now, what use will you be to your child if both of you are worn out from the stress? Sounds to me that you have done your best and your son is in a place where he has a chance to take control of his life if he chooses to. Sounds to me that somehow he wants to have your care and attention instead. Maybe it's time you give him a little push in the right direction?

You will have to learn to endure the unpleasant feeling of having disappointed your son. Of not giving him what he wants. Of denying him the help he is asking for.  Saying no can be hard. I hope you can find the strength to choose your own well being first.

[Adria]

Poison Ivy,

You're doing the best you can for him. But you and your husband need a break from the stress.

Thank you so much. Yes we have done the best we can a thousand times over.  When dh and I look in the mirror, it seems we have aged tremendously.  I guess it might be time to give ourselves a little oxygen. We appreciate your thoughts and insight. Sometimes ya just need someone else's point of you when your in over your head. It means the world that you took the time to write. Your words have given me much strength today. Hugs, Adria

Notrightinthehead,

I laugh every time I see your name, LOL!  You are so right in the head, and I always appreciate your thoughts. Yes, if my son were an alcoholic, it would be so much easier because it would be the thought of he is doing it to himself. But, reality says that he is, instead, sick. And, yes, I do feel like maybe because I couldn't stomach pre natal vitamins when I was pregnant, that maybe that had something to do with it, and that maybe if I left his father sooner, things maybe would have been different, and a zillion other things my mind can come up with.

I'm not sure about the lifelong duty thing. I don't know. I struggle so much in my mind going back and forth on all of these questions, it wears me out. I can't seem to find a line to draw in the sand.  I think you are right about the fear, obligation and guilt. And you are also right about not being of any use to anyone if we're worn out from the stress.

I think this is where we are coming to:

Sounds to me that you have done your best and your son is in a place where he has a chance to take control of his life if he chooses to.

Yup, "if he chooses to".  He can't seem to make good decisions, but I can't do it for him anymore.  I said to him last week, "I can't help you anymore if you won't help yourself." But, that is so much easier to say than to do.
As you said, he want's us to take care of him instead of using the wonderful resources he has.  It so helps to see it in black in white from another's standpoint.  These posts have given me strength today to seriously consider giving him that push.  After reading these posts, I'm thinking maybe he needs that as much as we do.

Thank you for your insight and thoughtful words.  I will be printing your post as well as Poison Ivy's and setting them on my kitchen counter for when dh gets back from his work travel.  We will definitely be having a discussion about the insight here. Maybe dh and I are the ones that needed the push I feel like maybe I can make a better plan now for all of us. Hugs, Adria

[Srcyu]

I don't think enabling comes into it.
He is seriously, mentally ill.  He will probably always need you, although the living-in provision you've put in place sounds extremely good.

Those people only care for him ofcourse because they are paid.
Friends with their tough love advice don't have to live with the consequences.

Perhaps don't always take his calls. Probably give the "support" groups a miss. Give yourself regular breaks where you are uncontactable even for a few hours. He is not your average grown up son. He is very lucky to have you.


milly

[Leonor]

Hi Adria,

First of all, your son's illness is not his fault, and neither is it yours! You are not to blame for his schizophrenia and bipolarity. His brain is dysfunctional, the way that other people have a dysfunctional pancreas or platelets, and he is sick, and he needs treatment.

But now that he is an adult, in the same way diabetics need to monitor their blood sugar, he needs to be responsible for his own health. He makes a choice when he doesn't take care of himself. He makes a choice when he stops taking his meds. And he knows what the consequences are for his health and his wellbeing when he stops.

He is not so detached that he does not know where he is or who he is. It does sound like he knows that you are there and you might rescue him from whatever trouble he has gotten into. If he can do that, he can stay in treatment. He can take his meds. He can take advantage of the professional support and care that is available to him.

Dear Adria, you love him. This is your baby boy. But you aren't skilled enough, knowledgeable enough or capable of taking care of him now. It is heartbreaking. But as a loving mama, the best thing you can do for him is redirect him to safe, healthy places and resources. No more money. No more rescue. No more drama.

That doesn't mean no more love. It means love. It means I won't help you harm yourself. I won't support you neglecting your health. I won't support you spending time with people who do not have your best interests at heart.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks for sharing, Adria.  I am in a somewhat similar situation, though my grown child's diagnoses are different.  These mental illnesses are biologically based and not due to their choices.  Years ago I heard a lecture from a highly respected clinical psychologist and author (Xavier Amador) whose brother was schizophrenic.  In his journey to try to help his brother he discovered that a part of some of these serious mental illnesses is anasognosia which is an inability to recognize that they are ill or need meds.  This is also not their fault.  He told about how he came to terms with and accepted the fact that his brother would not be compliant.  As I remember it, it freed him from thinking he had to get him to "straighten up" and comply with his treatment and allowed him to relax and just love him as he was.

It's totally hair raising watching your own child careen from one awful situation to another, using terrible judgement, suicidal day after day, week after week, none of it their fault or under their ability to control.  And we, as parents, can do so little, even though we might half kill ourselves doing just that.

I don't have any answers.  I'm still living the riddle, though we are in a good period right now and I am thankful for that, however long this part of the roller coaster ride lasts.     What I have learned for myself is to seek parenting advice only from people who are well educated in this and either have experience from their own lives or are professionals working in the field.  It is not like dealing with a pwPD or an alcoholic child or someone who just "won't take responsibility for themselves."  People might tell you this; they have me.  But they are people who don't really know or understand, IME.

Section 8 (what it's called in the U.S.) allowed me to find separate housing for my child without using my own meager resources. Of course he still calls for various kinds of  help. Sometimes I let his calls go to VM and then listen and decide if I can put off dealing with it.  I also try to get away on short camping trips when things aren't too on-the-edge.  Stuff always comes up that they'd love to rely on you for, but being 3 or 4 hours away you're only available for real emergencies.  It gives them some practice muddling through stuff that's hard, but not life threatening.  It gives me some respite, too, which is much needed.  It's amazing how much 3 days or a week in a different environment can refresh you. 

Personally, I would never make myself unavailable for 6 months to allow them to sink or swim.   Even if I didn't feel it might lead to death (which in our case it might), I would never want to cause such a drastic withdrawal of support from someone who is in such need of it.   But for some weekends, yes.  Then upping that to a week or more.  That's been a life saver.  And I'm always in mind of what could help in the eventuality that I am no longer here, as I certainly hope he will outlive me and have a decent life doing so.

It sounds like your son has some wonderful resources where he lives.  I wonder if there is anyone there you would trust to confer with about how you can help him transition to relying on them more and you less and how to determine what he really needs vs what he thinks he needs.  I will keep him and you in my prayers and hope you find a way to get the breaks you need while feeling he is getting his needs met at the same time.  <3<3<3

[Adria]

Thank you Windmill,

My best friend is telling me he is a drug addict and I am enabling him.  He gets tested monthly and has never failed a drug test or alcohol test where he lives.  He always told me he would never do drugs and alcohol because his father is a severe drug and alcohol addict. As far as I know, my son never got into that scene.  Not even in college. He always had goals, met them and knew where he was going until this happened.

Perhaps don't always take his calls. Probably give the "support" groups a miss. Give yourself regular breaks where you are uncontactable even for a few hours. He is not your average grown up son. He is very lucky to have you.

We have been skipping some phone calls lately, stopped going to support groups because everyone there seems to enjoy wallowing in the mire.  We come in with some solutions and we get laughed at.  Thank you for saying his is lucky to have us.  It means a lot.  We are lucky to have him too.  He's a wonderful person underneath it all.  Every once in awhile, we get a glimpse of his old self.  He is a musical genious and he worked very hard to make me a cd for my birthday even though he was in really bad shape.  I'm so happy about that because I think if something happens, at least I have that to hold on to.

Thank you so much for posting.  Your kind words are very inspiring. Hugs, Adria

[Adria]

Leonor,

First of all, your son's illness is not his fault, and neither is it yours! You are not to blame for his schizophrenia and bipolarity.

Thank you Leonor. The psychiatrists we have encountered have been very cruel.  They always tell me it is the mother's fault.  Of course, they are all men.  They have no idea the path my son and I have been on.  I have tried to save and protect him from his horrible father, my horrible narc family. None of them loved him, they only used him, but, of course, it is always the mother's fault for everything that goes wrong in a child's life.  In some ways, I maybe came to accept part of that because I was the only one who stuck around to raise him and guide him.

He tells me the drugs make him terribly ill.  He is a highly sensitive like me, and I cannot take any prescription drugs.  He struggles severely with how much the drugs actually help (not much) and weighing the side effects.  It's very difficult as he says he just trades one problem in for another.  It's hard to get the doctors to understand how sensitive he is to medications, so they order too high of doses all the time. Very frustrating!

the best thing you can do for him is redirect him to safe, healthy places and resources. No more money. No more rescue. No more drama.
That doesn't mean no more love. It means love. It means I won't help you harm yourself. I won't support you neglecting your health. I won't support you spending time with people who do not have your best interests at heart.

Great food for thought! Redirect . . . redirect . . . redirect.  I will tell him I won't support him harming himself by neglecting his health.  I really like that.  I think it might resonate with him. At least maybe that will get him taking the vitamins and other natural remedies that really do help.

I really appreciate your thoughts and kindness.  Dh and I will have much to talk about when he gets home.  Hugs, Adria

[Adria]

lookin 2 B free,

OMG!!!

Years ago I heard a lecture from a highly respected clinical psychologist and author (Xavier Amador) whose brother was schizophrenic.  In his journey to try to help his brother he discovered that a part of some of these serious mental illnesses is anasognosia which is an inability to recognize that they are ill or need meds.  This is also not their fault.  He told about how he came to terms with and accepted the fact that his brother would not be compliant.  As I remember it, it freed him from thinking he had to get him to "straighten up" and comply with his treatment and allowed him to relax and just love him as he was.

I think you nailed it!  He has absolutely no insight into his illness.  He cannot see the difference from when he is on an upswing to when he is down in the pits.  And, in the small chance that he does, he thinks he is better and doesn't need medication.  He has been non-compliant for the last ten years.  So, I've had to look into natural remedies and for short periods of time I can get him to take them, and they do help, but then he thinks he's better and gets off those too. It's like the reasoning part of his brain has gone MIA.

I like your idea of upping the time away a little at a time.  The six month thing didn't sit good with me either. I think it could push him over the edge since we are pretty much all he has.  I do have to say, the people that he lives with do take very good care of him.  They actually did me a favor as they do not take in schizophrenics.  I think they saw how worn out I look. They see, on occasion, who my son used to be and who he can be, and they have really taken him under their wing. I'm very grateful for that.

I have been thinking about calling where he lives and talking about how to get him more reliable on them again.  In the beginning, they were surprised when I told him how much my son still relies on us and how much he calls.  They said, that is what they are there for, and I shouldn't have to deal with that all the time.  Again, easier said than done.

Thank you for your kind words and insight. I'm sorry you are going through something similar.  I will also keep you in my prayers.  These are no tasks for sissies.  It just seems like ground hogs day. And, there are never any clear cut answers.  Things change too rapidly from one day to the next and it's hard to keep up.  I guess that's why we are only supposed to take it one day at a time, huh?

Please try and take care of yourself as well. Hugs, Adria

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Adria,  I've found the weaning off relying-on-mother plan had to go both ways.  The adult child has to adjust to going to someone other than the one person they've trusted all their lives.  Being out of town for short periods can really facilitate this.  But also, as a mother who had to watch over them like a hawk every day well into adulthood just to keep them alive and in one piece, it can be nerve-wracking to leave that job to someone else, knowing how high the stakes are.  You really have to step out in faith.

So I've had to push the envelope of my comfort zone as well.  Little by slowly give it up for a day, a weekend, longer, though it's scary.  They learn from having to find other resources or from small failures and successes.  Sometimes you return home and find they've done something on their own for the first time and really feel bolstered by it.  Or maybe they flubbed up and realize they don't want to go that path again. 

If they're going to make it after their moms die, they need to broaden their support and life experiences before that happens, is how I see it.  Doing this at a slow pace which doesn't present too much risk is what makes sense to me.  In my case, we still have a long way to go, but we have made progress!  For that, I am very thankful!

(P.S.  Another trick I've found helpful is to have someone else be a gatekeeper.  So they don't get the emergency number while I'm gone and they have to go to someone else who can decide if it's not really an emergency how to redirect them.   I suppose requests for additional funds could work the same way.  Best of luck to you and let us know how you're doing!)

[Adria]

Thank you Lookin2Bfree,

That is an awesome post.  I have decided to give him all of his disability money at the end of the month, so he can't call me every other day to put $50.00 in his account.  I will let my son and the gatekeepers of the place he lives help him budget his money for the whole month.  I think I'm stepping out of that arena as well.  He blows through money like water, so I'm gonna let that go.  He has great resources, so I agree with you.  He is going to have to start utilizing them. 

I think you are right, me backing away some will probably empower him. I hope so.  I said to him the other day that he needs to rely more on his resources and himself other than me because if something happens to me, he needs to make it on his own.

After reading these posts, I have been feeling so much more free, and sleeping so much better.  Thank you again for your words of wisdom.  I've just been to close to the whole mess to see things clearly.  Hugs, Adria.

[Poison Ivy]

It is clear from your posts how much you love your son, Adria. Parenting well is rarely easy, but you are being a good parent despite the significant challenges posed by your son's illness.

[Adria]

Aaaaw, thank you Poison Ivy.  You are so sweet.  

I have never met such a wonderful, kind, caring and supportive group of people.  I have read everyone of these posts to dh and he is totally amazed at the level of thought and wisdom that goes into them.  You people literally make us feel like we have the strength and courage to keep on trying, although in different ways .  You all are simply the BEST!  Hugs, Adria