After father, now paternal grandmother

[PunkCroc]

My father passed away in January, and that came with a lot of selfish behavior from my mother. I posted about the horrible things she said to my dad and the way she treated him while he was ill.

My paternal grandmother (my dad's mom) passed away three days ago. She was 97 and in very ill health. My sister, uncle, and aunt are all actually kinda relieved, because she had been wanting to go for a long time. She felt like she was a burden on my uncle, dad, and aunt, she was very tired, she was tired of being ill. She was also very sad that she had outlived two of her sons (my dad and uncle.) She had expressed during one of her last visits to the hospital that she just wanted to be let go. So when she finally passed in her sleep, it was sad, but we were actually glad she was able to get her peace.

While my grandma was in her final days of hospice, I was asked to not tell my mom. Because my uncle and aunt "didn't want to deal with her bullshit." My mom was told by them about two days following her death.

Technically, my grandmother's will was worded so that on her passing, my uncle was to get her house, and my dad was to get her investment accounts/money. But since my dad passed, the will was adjusted so that the house, money, and investments are to go to my uncle. I think my mom believes the money and investment accounts are going to go to her.

My uncle hates my mom. So does my aunt. For several reasons, not the least of which because of her behavior during my dad's illness. My uncle says he's tempted to give my mom the money and tell her to go away. But my sister and I have told him to keep the money. All of it. They housed my grandmother and cared for her. My dad helped care for my grandmother until he got ill and then they helped care for him too. They deserve that house, and every penny of those investments. My sister said mom will just start nasty rumors about my uncle if he doesn't give her any money.

I say..."So what?"

I'm reaching a point where I'm starting to build up a skin to my mom's crap. Seeing some of it take place before my own eyes where she can't lie about it. She has also started acting weird toward me, and I think it is because she's figured out that I know more of the truth than she previously thought. My maternal grandma (mom's side) was recently in the hospital with a GI bleed and has also been placed on hospice. I've found out about this through my sister, because my mom has basically just told my sister to relay all information to me. My mom doesn't reach out herself anymore, and I guess that's on purpose. I think it's because now that she's realized I'm not totally clueless, she's avoiding contact.

My sister has decided she's not going to go full no contact, because she doesn't want to make a greater burden on others to have to deal with her. I still plan on telling her I will not visit anymore unless she gets grief counseling and cleans up that house. My sister says she won't do either of those things, but I don't care. It's not for her, it's for me.

[moglow]

I'm so sorry for another loss, even if it was what grandmother wanted. I remember mine saying many times, she just didn't understand why she was still here.

And how incredibly sad that the family response is looking for ways to tamp down your mother's behavior.  I mean, i get it, given my own's performances during times like this and just not wanting to deal with it. I suspect your mother will start nasty rumors regardless of what they decide re: the money - that's who she is. The fact they're already pregaming so to speak, says they know what she's capable of.

Then there's the other grandmother in hospice care?? It's a lot to deal with back to back, for a normal person. For her, opportunities abound to play poor woman with all these losses and tall are turning on her. :drama: (Never mind y'all are in that same boat and also in need of compassion and kindness... )

My mind keeps going back to her treatment of your father when he was so sick, her abandonment of him. I suspect that wasn't isolated behavior from her, rather to be expected, sick as that sounds. Decades of it, much like mine. But seeing it in action puts a whole other painful twist on it, one you can't ignore.

But tell me - grief counseling? IS she grieving, does she feel anything substantial for anyone whether living or not? Maybe it's a means to an end, to get to the underlying layers of why she treats people the way she does overall? You know getting her there and her actually following through are two very different things. She has to want it and seek it out, do the hard work of opening the curtains in her mind, stop blaming and lashing out at others, etc.

PunkCroc, we're here with you. I walked similar halls with mine and I understand how painful and lonely it can be. Be gentle with and do nurturing things for yourself. It's really not all about her, much as she might want.

[bloomie]

I say..."So what?"

This should be all of our new mantra!!!

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your grandma. Especially hard coming so close on the loss of your father. That alone is a lot for all of you to process and work through with the added concern of your other grandma's grave illness.

That thicker skin you are building, that 'so what!' you are starting to live in that refuses to be emotionally bullied by the mere thought of character assassination by your mother, now that is healing!!! Lean into it and do your best to focus on walking aware of your own grief and needs in the midst of it all.

[PunkCroc]

For a while it did really shake me to find out all the crap my mom talks about others, and I was worried she would do the same with me and my partner. But my father's illness showed me that not only do others in my family and my family's long time friends know she does this and don't put much stock in it, there's not really much to do about it. So I've been taking the "Of course she says that..." perspective. My boyfriend says "Your mom has a loose relationship with the truth." So he understands to not take too much to heart when my mom starts saying mean gossip about others. It's an odd relief.

My mom has also now postponed my father's memorial service (that he didn't want...) from May to August. He died in January. My sister and I don't think she actually wants to do it, and if she would just say that it would be better.

But now that my grandmother from my dad's side has passed, I got the address of my last living grandmother so I don't need my mom to contact her anymore. I can do it myself.

As for grief counseling, I don't particularly believe she will go to it, or any kind of counseling. I do think my mom doesn't actually want to face the fact that my dad is really dead and his family hates her, which could be a reason why she keeps pushing back the memorial date. And I do think she is grieving in her own way. Not a healthy way, but in a way. Asking her to go to grief counseling isn't really for her, because like I said, neither my sister nor I believe she will go. It's more for me. I'm still reconciling the truth of who my mom is and how I was the golden child and the unfair ways she treated my sister. It's my way of handling all this. If I can say "Mom, this is what I want you to do if you want to continue having contact with me." Put the ball in her court. Right  now, she's making it easier for me considering she's barely spoken to me in the last two months.

[PunkCroc]

So I finally told her what I felt.

I said:

Mom, I've decided this year I want nothing. Nothing for birthday, nothing for Christmas. Or even graduation. No money, not a gift. I don't need it. What I want instead is for you to go to grief counseling. There's been too much of everything happening. I want you to seek therapy. It's necessary. I also want you to get the house organized. I couldn't stay in it when I saw it. I felt claustrophobic and anxious and had to walk around the park with John. I couldn't find my way around and it was overwhelming. I cannot come visit and stay in that space.
Ask for help, hire help if you need it. But please organize it.
That's all I want. The only things I want. I don't want to talk extensively about it and negotiate or argue. I needed to say this.

As predicted she blew up. Blasted my phone with walls of texts. ...At 4:30 am. I was asleep because I needed to be awake early for a training at work. I had to shut off notifications but I had trouble getting back to sleep. Got up late and I am missing the training now.

I didn't argue. I didn't negotiate. I didn't even waste the time reading all the text walls. She was bringing up things I didn't even say. Like something about "You're darn right I cry!" ...I said nothing about her crying. She also tried to tell me the old lies she apparently still thinks I don't know about. Like the house is someone else's fault, she and my dad were making moving plans...yadda yadda. But then she tried to throw in a new one and say the house only got that way when she was busy taking care of my dad.

I just shut off the notifications.

This morning all I said was "These are boundaries I am setting for myself. It is your choice what you do. Going forward I am going to do what I feel is best for me and John." (My partner.)

[Srcyu]

I'm sorry for your losses, they are both very recent.
Losing important people in our lives changes us. For me, losing my dad was the beginning of my pulling away from my mother. I decided that no-one was going to treat me like dirt ever again, not after everything I'd been through (I was only 26).
It didn't take long at all and it looks as though you might be on the same path.

She would blow up after that text message wouldn't she? You knew that, but maybe the strength of her anger surprised you a bit. There was so much there to annoy her - the criticism of her house and the demands for counselling. Your stance of not returning and the statement of your boundaries.

She's probably not used to hearing these things from you and that's the real core element of the current situation.
You've elevated your position and thereby lowered hers. I would expect her to fight back with every fibre of her being.
Good response from you not to read her texts. Emotional distance is the key.


milly

[PunkCroc]

She would blow up after that text message wouldn't she? You knew that, but maybe the strength of her anger surprised you a bit. There was so much there to annoy her - the criticism of her house and the demands for counselling. Your stance of not returning and the statement of your boundaries.

She's probably not used to hearing these things from you and that's the real core element of the current situation.
You've elevated your position and thereby lowered hers. I would expect her to fight back with every fibre of her being.
Good response from you not to read her texts. Emotional distance is the key.

Oh yes, this is par for the course. If this were in person she'd be yelling at me.

She said I was attacking her, and it's not surprising but definitely a red flag that she sees boundaries as an attack.

My partner asked if I could set a time with her to talk. I said no. There's nothing I want to talk about. Talking has never worked because all she does is DARVO and when I don't back down, she just raises the volume of her voice until it's at screaming levels. As a teenager she'd resort to slapping me.

This time I can turn it off and stop engaging.

I did get a little angry when she tried to say the house got as bad as it is within the week my dad got sick because she was busy. I know it's been at hoarder-level bad for years, and I know she didn't take care of my dad on purpose. Her words were "stop being a martyr." She doesn't know I know about that.

My partner said if I'm done, that's fine. The line is drawn.

We've been discussing our timeline for getting married.

[Srcyu]

Well that's good news about your wedding timeline! Congrats. 

[PunkCroc]

Thank you!

I've actually decided not to tell my mom that news. I don't feel like including her in that conversation. It's likely that I'm not going to have her at the wedding. I'm trying not to think about the disaster that will be, I'd rather think about the marriage.

I was telling my best friend about the colors we would like (probably burnt orange, burgundy, and sage green. My partner likes earthy colors.) My friend said it's been a long time since she's heard me talk about marrying someone, and she was happy to hear it. And wherever we have the ceremony, "LAWD she comin!" (her words)

[PunkCroc]

Oh boy things keep getting more interesting over here.

So my aunt messaged me and asked for full name and address, for "trust documents." I asked what she meant, and she said my grandmother changed her will a couple days before she passed and my sister and I are named as our dad's descendants, so we are inheriting 45% of her trust, and my mom is not included in that. Which is the OPPOSITE of what mom thinks is happening. She is getting something, but it's definitely not what she thinks she's getting. She's under the impression she's getting the whole trust, which was what my dad was supposed to receive.

We're splitting the 45%, so we will each be inheriting about 22-ish percent each. I already have an IRA and a 403b with my job, so I may be using that money partially for paying my student loans, and the rest put it in my IRA.

I have no idea how much money it actually is. I didn't ask, my aunt and uncle are frazzled enough having dealt with both deaths and all the legal paperwork that went along with it.

My mom still hasn't talked to me since I set out boundaries. So I don't anticipate her talking to me when she finds out she's not getting the full trust. She's probably going to blow up on either my sister, my aunt and uncle, or both. If she directs it at me, I'm going to continue adopting the "I will not argue about this" method I have been and just...not argue.

My aunt says she is just "tickled" that we are inheriting. We thought we weren't inheriting anything beyond the jewelry we'd been given before she died.

[Srcyu]

That makes sense to me, because even through marriage she is not a direct descendent but you and your sister are.
Like you said - there will be no arguments. The Will dictates who gets what.

She might however  try and contest the will?  The late changing of it by your grandmother might raise some attention - I don't know.

Either way, it's definitely not your battle.


milly