Interesting Chess Move, how to respond?

[nanotech]

I'm LC with many family members from FOO.
Recently had to have a bit of contact due to family funerals. Then a big family birthday. These were okay for the most part. I employed the toolbox and kept well detached.    
Last month the latest birthday get together took place. N siblings clearly couldn't believe we'd turned up
The birthday meal went ok. Watching them all decide where to sit was hilarious.  I just sat down straight away and they all  gave me 'how dare you' looks! 
They were so surprised at how comfortable I was. I'd clearly caught them all napping. They were pretty confused that I'd turned up at all, never mind daring to be happy in my own skin. I had hubby with me, which did help a lot. As the afternoon went on, the usual dysfunctional stuff was attempted here and there, but it's like water off a ducks back now. I respond, but I don't react. At times I could feel their frustration. 
Plus, not having me at parties for a while, they've begun to throw it at each other more. That's a new path they now seem to tread unknowingly.
I also noticed another way that my behaviour change has changed their behaviour. I have to keep an eye on this to make sure it isn't hoovering/ lovebombing. However a couple of them began to speak  to me mord as family should. A couple of remarks were actually healthier communications.
Hmmm.
Soooooo
A change of tactics from the Ns. Regrouping?
This morning I woke up to a text message from my Nniece, inviting me to another big family get together.
It's tomorrow.
She gave a very big explanation for the very short notice. It wasn't a party to begin with, but more and more family have said they can come.
Oh wait - that's because they were invited a while ago? They were asked? I clearly wasn't.
So it's an interesting move.  It's a typical N move to iINVITE you, but late.
It might be because as I'm back on their fb I will be seeing the photos.
I hardly post on fb these days.
I've  recently been blocked from some posts by Nsis.
With more notice , I might have attended. There are a few younger members of the who I got on well with at the last get togethers.
We're not  going to go, as because of the short notice, we have plans for tomorrow.

I just feel that it's a hell of a rug pull  situation.  If I say yes, I'm the bluddy afterthought. The 'add on'.  Plus I'm the afterthought who accepts being treated as the afterthought. 
If I say no, they will say ahhh see, ' Nano isn't family minded.'
It's just too short notice for us.

It's not the first time this has happened.  Several years ago we received a very late notice invitation to another birthday meal. It was  a vague message left on the answerphone. We only heard it at 10.30 at night. We nearly missed it and it was far too late to ring back then.
The  birthday meal ( a 21st) was the next night. Midweek. I didn't live locally and we were all working long hours the  next day. So there was no chance of organising for it
at that late stage.
Yet a year later, my Nsis used that non attendance as a reason not to attend my daughter's 21st. Three month's notice given, I rang very excited to receive a very nasty refusal. She was going to  a wedding the same day, a friend's daughter. Thrn she brought up that I hadn't come to her son's 21st birthday meal.
It upset my mum greatly. And me. It affected the lead up to the party. This was a function with lots of extended family coming. Mum was worried about what to say to them  to explain Nsis' non attendance. I felt that it was me getting the blame for this 'rift'. It was very unfair on me.
We had a lovely time without them! I told mum once the party got going, no one would bother about who hadn't come. I was right! Funny thing was, Nsis did try to come later on  (  apparently the wedding reception 'wasn't good' and  was abandoned early)  but because of the non contact she had imposed, leading up to the event, she didn't have the venue details and couldn't find us!  She had the venue phone number and rang it,  but no one picked up as there was a massive disco on and no one heard it! She was trying to ring the venue and get my dad to come pick her and her daughter up!  This was about 29 years ago so no texting available! Wanted to make a grand entrance I suppose. 
She was really annoyed that she couldn't contact us! She then made my parents feel  bad about it!


I'm just not sure how to reply to this 'invitation'!

PS I tried and tried to contact Nsis and her family to come to daughter's 21st. Calls  were either unanswered or left to ring out. My mum was so upset that they didn't come.  This has brought up some of those feelings for me.

[nanotech]

Whoops it was20 years ago not 29!
Writing it out helps so much

[bloomie]

nanotech - What a good update that you did go to an event and it was... uneventful  in that you were disengaged and confident! That had to feel really good and I hope you are proud of yourself for the work you have done to get to that centered, settled place!

As for the last minute invite, you can politely say you already have plans, but thank you and move on to have a lovely day doing what you planned to do.

Part of staying true and on course for me is to treat invitations from tricky family members like this 'as if' instead of 'even if'. As if there is nothing more to it than a party coming together last minute and they thought to invite me. Even if, experience might suggest there is more to it, I refuse to engage in speculation and keep myself focused on what I know and respond in a kind and mannerly way.

I hope that helps bolster you can respond as you feel best, let it go, and that you have a beautiful weekend!

[nanotech]

Thanks so much Bloomie. Thanks for the praise regarding my 'uneventful' get together.
Regarding this one, I've just politely declined, citing prior plans.
You're right to say to not read into it too much, and instead to treat it at surface level. I fell back into old habits there.
Also, when I was reading my post back, I did realise that I'd brought up stuff from 20 whole years ago. 
This learned behaviour is so ingrained. I'd thought I'd unlearned it all, but I guess it's always a work in progress. I let my buttons get pressed.
I've wasted a whole morning stressing over this.
Sigh-
I always think I'm out of that darn fog, then without warning I can allow myself to be sucked backed in.

Thank goodness for this forum. ☺️

[SonofThunder]

nanotech - What a good update that you did go to an event and it was... uneventful  in that you were disengaged and confident! That had to feel really good and I hope you are proud of yourself for the work you have done to get to that centered, settled place!

As for the last minute invite, you can politely say you already have plans, but thank you and move on to have a lovely day doing what you planned to do.

Part of staying true and on course for me is to treat invitations from tricky family members like this 'as if' instead of 'even if'. As if there is nothing more to it than a party coming together last minute and they thought to invite me. Even if, experience might suggest there is more to it, I refuse to engage in speculation and keep myself focused on what I know and respond in a kind and mannerly way.

I hope that helps bolster you can respond as you feel best, let it go, and that you have a beautiful weekend!

Saying yes when we desire and no when we desire, for whatever reason we desire, is total self control; something to be celebrated.  Total self control and other's control of us cannot exist together, so therefore both aspects are worth celebration.  Well done nanotech.

SoT

[nanotech]

  :

nanotech - What a good update that you did go to an event and it was... uneventful  in that you were disengaged and confident! That had to feel really good and I hope you are proud of yourself for the work you have done to get to that centered, settled place!

As for the last minute invite, you can politely say you already have plans, but thank you and move on to have a lovely day doing what you planned to do.

Part of staying true and on course for me is to treat invitations from tricky family members like this 'as if' instead of 'even if'. As if there is nothing more to it than a party coming together last minute and they thought to invite me. Even if, experience might suggest there is more to it, I refuse to engage in speculation and keep myself focused on what I know and respond in a kind and mannerly way.

I hope that helps bolster you can respond as you feel best, let it go, and that you have a beautiful weekend!

Saying yes when we desire and no when we desire, for whatever reason we desire, is total self control; something to be celebrated.  Total self control and other's control of us cannot exist together, so therefore both aspects are worth celebration.  Well done nanotech.

SoT

Thanks Son of Thunder.