black crow tipping point + How to find a good therapist on this topic?

[clockworkorange]

Hi, I just reached a tipping point moment with my N mother and went no contact this week. She tricked me into coming with her to her lawyer's office where she signed a new will and other documents without any explanation to me. She wore a necklace with a black crow pendant. I was flooded with terrible emotions (feelings of betrayal). The meeting lasted an hour although she had told me it would be a "15-minute meet and greet." I have no idea why I was there. I have a job and the meeting was on a workday. The feelings that came up were terrible, awful, uncomfortable. After she left my apartment, I battened down the hatches--closed the blinds, locked the doors--and that's the last I've seen of her.  I'm probably not explaining what happened very well, but my body tells me it was time to go N/C. It's been many, many incidents over multiple years that has gotten me to this point.

It's a scary time to go N/C because my mother and I were very enmeshed. She was my best friend. If you would have told me 5 years ago I would be where I am today, I would have said, "No way!" I just didn't see it back then. She is a covert narcissist, very sneaky. She did most of it behind my back. Over the last few years, I saw close family friends and family members change their opinion of me and attitude toward me. One by one. I did not realize she was the common denominator until recently. When my father was alive, I was the golden child. Now I am the scapegoat. She excludes me from groups, devalues me, gaslights, calls me crazy, etc.

Anyway, does anyone know where I can find a good therapist who knows about this topic?

Thank you for your help. Take care and keep the faith.

[SonofThunder]

Hello clockworkorange,

Welcome to Out of the FOG!  Im very sorry to read about your difficult relationship with your mother. There are many here with very difficult maternal relationships, so please know you are very much not alone in your experiences. 

Although I don't share that similarity with you, I do want to share a link page (below) from the Resources tab at the top of the page.  Please scroll all the way along the page and you will notice some psychology related links that may be helpful to your search.  While you are up there in the tabs section, explore the other tabs as well. 😊

See you around the boards,

SoT

https://outofthefog.website/links/

[PunkCroc]

High Clockworkorange (love the name by the way, that's one of my favorite books and I have read it many times.)

My mom was similar. I was The Golden Child and up until recently I thought she was becoming my best friend in my adult life, and we frequently talked over the phone. Then I found out that most of the things she was telling me were flat-out lies. I found out about things that had been hidden from me since childhood, including multiple court subpoenas and terrible treatment of my dad behind closed doors (my sister knew, and suddenly the reason they had clashed so much throughout our lives made sense.) It's a gobsmack to find out not only was it all a bunch of bs, that your mom basically figured you were blind and emptyheaded enough to manipulate.

I've been able to confide in people in my family who 1)Believe me and 2) Tell me the truth. Whoever in your family you can still trust, and who you know will tell you the TRUTH, talk with them.

I actually speak with a relationship therapist. Relationship therapists don't just council about romantic relationships, they can help with familial relationships. Because family trauma and dysfunction can affect our other adult connections.

[clockworkorange]

Hi PunkCroc,

Thanks for your reply. Isn't it weird how the uNPDm can switch roles on you? I was the GC for the first 4 decades of my life. Then she switched me to the SG role after my dad died. Your mention of multiple subpoenas makes me shiver. My mom has been busy creating lots of legal documents behind my back, which I know are going to create legal liability for me after she dies. She even told me, "You're going to need to hire a lawyer after I die." She doesn't give me copies of the papers, of course. She keeps me in the dark, like a second-class citizen daughter.

Unfortunately, there are very few family members I can trust. My mother has a great deal of influence and the SG dynamic has spread to the extended family.

On a new topic, how do you explain to others why you are estranged from your mother and FOO?

Take care, BeautifulCrazy.

[Leonor]

Hey clockwork,

GC to SG here too!

My shock into reality was when I invited my N/HPD mom to a therapy session to heal our relationship and she discarded me, cold turkey, and literally erased me from the family. I realized that after 4 decades of best friend special relationship enmeshment, in which I hero worshipped her and basked in what I thought was her love, she actually didn't have any feelings towards me at all.

Reading about your mom's creepy lawyer visit and very uncool jewelry made me shiver for you. You need to go and find yourself a healing piece or place just for you. Even if you don't "believe" in that kind of stuff, just to show yourself that you are empowered to protect yourself from your mom's cruelty and manipulation.

The most effective therapists I've worked with specialize in trauma and treating people with complex posttraumatic stress disorder. If you are in the States you can find a directory of the therapists with bios and specialties in the directory of Psychology Today.

Best to you!

[PunkCroc]

My roommate advised me to see a lawyer to protect myself from inheriting anything from my mother that would put me on a legal hook. The subpoenas she has been served are basically for non payment of multiple credit cards to the tune of several thousand dollars. At one point she almost had a house taken by the bank. My dad didn't know until the realtor showed up at the door.

My roommate said it would be wise to get it on paper that none of that is mine and it will not be my responsibility when she passes.

If I were you I would do the same thing. Don't wait until she's dead. Protect yourself NOW.