Hi everyone...possible uNPD spouse??

[Bluebell80]

Hi everyone. I haven't been actively on this forum in years...when I was dealing with my uPD parents divorce. I sought therapy off and on during that time with little help. At that time I had several medical professionals and therapists advise no contact with parents. So I did that and after a period of no contact I am now somewhere between medium chill and gray rock with my parents. Fast forward to now...

***Trigger Warning*** S*xual coercion and other abuse discussed in this thread

I have suffered from an emotionally neglectful and abusive childhood that just continued into my adulthood until I stopped feeding their supply...turns out they have very little use for you once the supply is gone. I married my HS sweetheart very young, so I went from living in my FOO home to my new home with my spouse. I have always struggled with life in a way that I have high functioning anxiety, people please. I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD due to my childhood and am now thinking my marriage of 24 years is just a trauma bond...it is truly heartbreaking.

We have attempted couples counseling in the past, but I would always freeze up...so it looked like I had issues to work through and appeared I had a doting and loving spouse...but I wasn't saying what I was actually experiencing...I don't even know why. I felt like I couldn't take another professional telling me that I was in yet another toxic relationship.

Our conflicts have increased significantly and now I'm seeing the effects on my child, mid teen. It has been a big wake up call for me to see my child struggling. I'm learning and accepting my part in this. I have been very avoidant and unavailable and I'm seeing the result and working on getting my child into therapy now. Some of the things my spouse does to our child:
-Numerous times told child "I want to punch you in the face right now". this happens when child says/does something that should probably need correcting...but that is not okay.
-Tells child they don't practice enough (sports), study enough (tests), follow directions enough about chores...I agree but how spouse berates child I find myself doing damage control rather than constructively trying to correct child.
-An example from last week or so, we are at dinner at a restaurant and after eating spouse begins stacking the plates for the restaurant staff (such a nice person, right?) So child tries to "help" and doesn't do it right and says, No in an angry tone. Child then throws the napkin down in a frustrated way, then spouse goes into a verbally abusive rant to child that leaves me absolutely frozen and feeling sick. Instances like this happen at least weekly for some reason or another.
-Another example from a few weeks ago I come home and a kid is in the yard with my child. Spouse is at home so I just asked who is the kid out with our child. Spouse gets angry and when child comes in my spouse curses our child out within 5 inches of their face. Then gets mad at us because me or child can't eat dinner because it was traumatizing.

At the beginning of my relationship with spouse I hadn't had s*x. We dated over a year and during that time we did everything but actual s*x. Spouse constantly pressured, complained, threw pity parties about it...so I gave in. This area of our marriage has always been very stressful and strained to me. It has gotten to the point that I dissociate and it truly is just a chore, or I will cry myself to sleep afterwards...just to be told "How do you think that makes me feel when you cry afterwards?" and so on. If a few days goes by without physical intimacy my spouse exhibits frustration with me and our child. Spouse says S*x is how they feel loved and connected to me...I have tried to explain that I'm not even there...I have developed chronic pain, a connective tissue disorder, and dysautonomia (autonomic dysfunction) which affects me every day and all my symptoms are just worsening. I don't take pain meds other than muscle relaxers at night and aleve/advil. I also have been on and off antidepressants since I was ... dang, started the same year I got married. I manage my pain and am able to work full time by going to get trigger point shots, steroid injections into joints/spine, and chiropractor appointments a couple of times a week. I hurt pretty much all the time. I started taking testosterone pellets to help with my low drive (I really don't think I have a low drive...I just don't want to do it with someone who treats me like crap.) and it helps somewhat with my energy level and pain due to my chronic conditions. It has caused side effects I don't like such as hair in unwanted places...but I feel like I'm even willing to change my body chemistry for this person and they continue to treat me like crap.  Recently I had an infection and had a severe reaction to the antibiotic I was prescribed...felt like I was dying...on top of my normal pain. I had to miss work for several days due to the reaction and even thought one time I needed to go to the ER. It was clear...or so I thought...that I was very sick. That is the day that spouse decides to sit me down and tell me their needs aren't getting met. When we have these "talks" and I try to explain how I feel my spouse gets angry and increases in his tone and anger, verbal abuse. They throw things and a door has been ripped off its hinges in the past. But they haven't hit me (yet I worry). I get accused of causing "all these problems in our marriage that have never been an issue before because I want to be with someone else" (I'm gonna tell you, I NEVER want to be with anyone else! That is the last thing I want.

I recently talked spouse into marriage counseling again...I'm at my wits end here and I am truly ready to lay all my cards on the table and hold nothing back. I do my research and find someone, the same sex as spouse so that they will be comfortable (eye roll at myself). We had a couple of joint appointments and a couple of individual appointments and I decided I need help badly. My spouse just wants me "fixed". So, I really felt comfortable and started seeing the counselor I picked for us to see as a couple. At any rate I am learning I am in an abusive relationship and the therapist is very supportive of me. My spouse tried a couple of individual sessions and it got nowhere...our joint sessions got nowhere. My spouse gets gently called out in a way that would induce self reflection in a reasonable person but spouse stays so unaware. Therapist tries to lead spouse to self reflect instead of constantly saying what I am doing wrong. The joint sessions there fizzled out and I am continuing therapy to seek healing...finally. At home I get accused of just wanting this the whole time, spouse doesn't understand how it went from joint counseling to me only getting individual counseling, even though my spouse wouldn't make a next individual appointment. So...we keep having circular (crazy making) arguments at home and I finally tell spouse that I feel I need to heal from some damage that has been done, explained the baggage I think I brought into our marriage (Extreme fawning, codependent) and told them the things that they are doing that hurts me (coercive s*x, verbal raging and emotional abuse, how our child is being abused, how I will be setting healthy boundaries around myself) All the while stating how I contributed, by being not present, avoidant in my own pain, etc. Spouse denies all and doesn't believe in boundaries, but starts treating me better, interacting with child a little better...I can see they are trying. Then we are intimate, it is great, etc...then its like all the boundaries are our the window. I had asked not to be groped while cooking/doing dishes, etc...then it happens...but I am frozen...It made me feel so disrespected and violated because I spilled my soul in explaining how hurtful the coercion and things that go along with that had really caused damage to me...this just snowballed into another circular argument. Spouse says he'll never touch me again...always very black and white. We talk it out, I'm completely vulnerable and honest with my feelings and further explain the s*x wound I have. There is one particular thing I don't enjoy, never have...he started pressing me to do that, telling me its been ever how long. This conversation is taking placed with spouse over me pinned down to bed facing each other...it started out very flirty and when I said "that" act is a hard no for me it kinda turnt ugly. Spouse got angry and left to come back to me five minutes later to "finish" our conversation. Now I have been in therapy a while and I never advocate for myself, but I said "We did finish the conversation and I said no to said act, so what else needs to be talked about." This turned into a verbal tirade about everything under the sun.

I am very introverted. Spouse is very active in the community and is such a "nice guy". I'm so lucky to be with him. He is so compassionate to everyone but me and our child. He is kinder to complete strangers than us.

After that, spouse again complains that he doesn't understand how our marriage counseling turned into individual but we need help "right now".  So...I start looking and find another marriage counselor. I was very honest in my intake form. I can only assume spouse was too. At our first appointment spouse is called our for gaslighting me and "killing our marriage" (therapists words). It was so validating for me, even though I had a sudden urge to rescue my spouse from having to hear that...I feel like the fact that I noticed my urge to want to rescue him from hearing those things means on on the right track. But, it has been very tough at home since that appointment. If I hug him, it isn't a loving enough hug...or if I don't say I love you via text during the day before spouse does...I hear about it. Later that day my spouse was talking to me about how unprofessional the therapist was and asked me what I thought. I said...ehhhh....and Spouse very arrogantly said "EEEHHH" what does that even mean? I said I think the therapist was right. Spouse then grilled me about what I had put in my paperwork. Did I write that they had hit me or thrown things "at me" because I throw things but have never thrown them "at you" or "hit you". I then again tried to tell spouse my concerns and they just sat and cried/scowled. I tried to tell them I wasn't trying to hurt them, that I only want the absolute highest good for both of us. He was very distant the rest of the evening. (Peaceful for me, but also anxiety inducing). The next day I see a facebook notification that he changed his picture from one of us to a random other pic. I didn't say a thing. He has remained very distant and we "talked" again yesterday. The counselor that called him out gave us homework including reading and reflecting on psalm 139 and several gottman handouts. Spouse again berates the counselor and says a much more appropriate verse would have been xyz. .And spouse completely turned around the gottman material and said me and the therapist are doing those things to them...it is crazy making.  I've read these books and they have been so helpful (Good boundaries and goodbyes by L. Tuerkerst, C-PTSD by Pete Walker, and Stop Walking on Eggshells)

If you've stuck with me this far thank you so much. I'd really appreciate anything (advice, encouragement, ANYTHING) you can give me here...I'm struggling every day!! So glad to be here healing with you all.

I'm curious what your thoughts are on my situation...

[Pepin]

  . This may be hard to hear and I am terribly sorry...but you and your child need to make an exit.  I know others will reply with other helpful information and greater detail than I since I don't have specific experience in this scenario.  Please find yourself a trauma informed therapist that can help you get out.  ***No more couples counseling - only counseling for you.***  Document everything and say nothing about your exit plans.  Pull together items and other important documents and keep them in a safe place and have copies also kept somewhere else safe.  Do you have any family nearby that can help you or friends?  Anyone in the community?  I'd also reach out to any women's shelters for their advice and resources.  Again, say nothing and act as calmly as possible while you get organized. 

I *highly* recommend Suzanna Quintana:

https://www.suzannaquintana.com

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with Pepin.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am so glad you have reached out. You have come to the right place. You are now where I have been when my kids were teenagers. So much in your post I can relate to or have experienced myself. Even the desperate attempts to change myself to suit him and make him happy. The eternal hope that I will find the magic wand/word/ deed to make things right. I wrote once in my diary: I need to kill the hope. Or it will kill me.
You are on the right path! You seem to have been lucky and found a good therapist. Stick with them! Get an excellent therapist for your kid too. You need them. You should make it a habit to read the Toolbox and implement the the strategies. Don't worry if they don't come naturally. They will get easier with time. I also strongly recommend two books I found very helpful "Why does he do that?" by Bancroft and "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist " by Fjelstad.
Make sure you are logged out of here and your husband cannot find you on here.  Protect your devices with passwords he cannot crack.
I found attending 12 step meetings for my Co-dependency such as CoDA gave me support and motivation to continue working on myself. You can always tell your husband that you are working on yourself to make the marriage happier. And I strongly recommend to find a reason why your kids and you need to take little time away from your husband. Weekend retreats- meditation, yoga, visit of relatives. This will build your self esteem and clear your mind. You are probably isolated, I sure was, mostly because I was so ashamed about how he treated me, so you need to build a support network. Start today. 
Come back here often. You can make your life better! Sending you a big hug.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome back to the Forum, BlueBell.  There is so much wonderful information on this stuff these days, on this site as well as recommended reading and YouTube.  It can really start breaking through the FOG.

Having been in the role of scapegoat as a kld myself, when I saw my husband start doing that to my child, I knew at a primal level the devastation it causes.  I could not stand to see that happen to my innocent child, so much so that I started standing up to him.  We tried marriage/family therapy & it helped not at all.  The horror of watching what was happening to my child got me out of there, something I have never regretted.

I really like NRITH's idea of individual counseling for both you and your son.  I wish someone had done that for me as a child.  Maybe it would have introduced the idea that there was some reason I was being treated that way other than I was inherently despicable and deserved the abuse.

Please keep reading and sharing here.  Let us know how you're doing.  We are here for you!