Sister who may have PD

[therain]

New here! I've been following for about 10 years and have learned so much from these forums and the Out of the FOG community. Thank you.

I'm here because while I am NC with my PD mother and unprotective father for 10 years, my siblings relationships are a bit tough.

For context, I am the second oldest of nine kids. We were raised hyper religious and isolated from society for the most part, including being homeschooled. I'm almost 40, am married with 3 kids, the oldest of which is about to enter high school. I've been through a few years of therapy, and my life is in a really good place. I have distance and boundaries with most of my siblings, but my sister is closest geographically and ideologically to me, and is one of the only siblings that has gone to therapy.

There are a lot of things with my sister, but I am exhausted even thinking about going into them, so I will stick with the thing that I feel is the most difficult for me in our relationship: the DRAMA.

She is always sick with something that might be imagined or could actually be real, (long covid, histoplasmosis, ovarian cysts, pelvic instability, an eating disorder that is very rare and I can't remember the name of) or dealing with something dramatic that is unproveable and wild... Like a lawsuit that goes on for years, or a deranged religious zealot who tried to hit her with a car who she has ongoing restraining orders and court dates against. She also posts constantly on social media with photos and updates of her various conditions.

When those things are not happening, she is a very vocal activist for folks in the lgbtq+ community, folks recovering from fundamentalist religion, and women going through tough divorces or bad situations. I find her alignment with those folks admirable, and I usually agree with her, but it's the drama that I can't really do.

I'm not sure if she has a PD, or if she is just really traumatize from my mother. My mother treated her with a lot of cruelty growing up. That being said...

She does not pick up on social cues from me. I am very averse to drama, and tend to get very small and invisible around it. At worst, my sense of self disappears after too much time around her drama, and I can get depressed... death by a thousand paper cuts. Again for context, my mother is likely histrionic/narcissist and maybe anti-social, and the brother right under me was diagnosed with histrionic PD.

The thing is, my sister showers me with proclamations of love, and tells me I am her best friend. She always goes above and beyond with handmade Christmas and birthday gifts for the whole family, which I don't have the resources to match by 1/4. I guess I just feel confused by our relationship, because ultimately, I don't think she knows me at all. She sends me social media posts all the time addressing the things she cares a lot about, but while I do agree with many of the stances she shares with me, I am not interested in activism or starting a conversation with her. I've told her this in very plain and strong language multiple times, but she tends to get back to it all the time.

I feel like I have to hold her at arms length at all times. The only time I feel safe letting her in is when she is calm and not sick or activisty. And then, I feel like I listen to her, and am very reserved. She has gotten better about asking me questions in the last couple of years, but I am very cautious about what I share.

I guess I am here because I feel guilty and torn. She's the last family member that I am close-ish to, and I don't want to cut her out of my life. But I feel bad because when she has a concussion, a mysterious medical condition, has an anti christian rant, or her friend is trying to get out of an abusive relationship and she calls me in tears, because I am the "only person" she feels safe talking to about it, I don't know what to do. I feel like crawling out of my skin when I am present to her drama, and like a bad person when I don't answer her messages and calls, but I'm unsure of how to have a healthy balance with her that doesn't take all my energy.

Thanks for listening! Any thoughts are welcome.

[guitarman]

***** Trigger Warning *****

Welcome. You are not alone.

Your sister appears to be similar to my undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

Over the years, well decades, I have learnt to set firm boundaries and stick with them. I have learnt to always stay calm no matter what happens. I have learnt to observe, not absorb.

It's not been easy. My sister is always at the centre of a drama that she has caused or reacted to. Everything is exaggerated and extreme. She thinks she has so many life threatening diseases. She either thinks she is going to die or wants to die. She regularly threatens suicide.

Well that was over three years ago when I decided to no longer have any contact with her. She is currently in hospital being detained because of her mental health issues. I won't be visiting her.

I had support from my local carers centre. They had a mental health carers support worker whom I could call in a crisis. They also had a mental health carers support group that I joined. I would make sure that I went to their regular meetings. You may like to join your local carers centre, if you have one near you.

I follow the counsellor and author Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how carers can cope better. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I've found her videos very supportive and have learnt a lot from her. I make sure to watch her each week.

I now call my sister my abuser and I am her target of abuse. That is how I have redefined our relationship. I care but can't cope. I need to look after myself first. No one else is going to do that for me.

You can use the Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques to help you cope. You can find out more about them in the "Toolbox" section of the website. 

You don't have to keep feeding the narcissistic supply by reacting to all the dramas.

I practice Mindfulness meditations regularly. That helps me to stay calm and look after my own needs better. I do things that help me. I have become more resilient and assertive. I talk more about my own feelings.

"Abuse thrives in the darkness. We all need to shine a light on it wherever it occurs."

Keep calm. Stay Strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.