Let's Ask the Kids

[clarityneeded]

So I did it.

Ever since the hamper incident nearly 8 months ago, I have not let him touch me (cycle broken).

He told me 3 weeks ago to either move on from what happened or move out and said I was being unreasonable. When talking about the incident, he claims he didn't throw a bottle at me, only at something near me to send a message. He denied throwing a hamper at me and only said he was removing the hamper from his safe space so I didn't go back down there. He also said he didn't call me a f****ing b**** but only said I was acting like one. Gaslight extreme.

I asked him to go on a walk Sunday night and long story short, I told him I could not move on so we needed to figure out what moving forward separately looks like keeping the kids as our #1 priority. He was mostly calm but is fixated on the fact that I take anxiety medication and feels like that's when everything changed. In fact, he asked me why I was "medicated". I wanted to tell him because of him but refrained and said because I have anxiety. I told him I wanted to sit down with the kids together and I will likely be moving out to a fully furnished apartment in town until more permanent arrangements could be made.

Last night we ate dinner and then I told the kids we needed to talk and he said NO, not tonight. M daughter went to her room and my son asked if we were getting a divorce. He asked my son what he really thought of mom and dad's relationship. My son (16) said other than the lack of affection, it seems normal (yea "normal", he's never seen an example of a healthy relationship). I got pissed and left the table.

He asked me to go to the bedroom to talk and he said it wasn't time to talk to the kids as there were going to be more conversations. He said it's fair to ask the kids what their opinions are as that's going to determine how cooperative he's going to be with the process. Basically, if the consensus from the 3 of them is that I'm the problem and it all stems back to starting my anxiety medication, I could just stop taking it. I told him no kid wants their parent to get a divorce and the question wasn't fair and just because it's normal doesn't mean it's healthy and left the room.

This morning I got up to get ready for work and he came into the bedroom (he's been staying up all night for weeks) and he said, "I'm sorry." I asked for what? He said he's never apologized before and he's had a lot of time to think and he's been stupid. I didn't say anything and left the room.

I want this to be as civil as possible but this is a preview of how it's going to go. This has nothing to do with my anxiety medication and everything to do with toxic and unhealthy our relationship is and has been for years.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this behavior by your partner. I agree 100% with the following: "This has nothing to do with my anxiety medication and everything to do with toxic and unhealthy our relationship is and has been for years."

[notrightinthehead]

So he gave you a general  'Sorry' and didn't tell you what he is sorry for? That doesn't sound like he had any insight or awareness. Nor does it sound like he admits that it was wrong to throw a hamper at you and feels sorry for that. Does not sound like anything you should take seriously. It's just 

[clarityneeded]

So he gave you a general  'Sorry' and didn't tell you what he is sorry for? That doesn't sound like he had any insight or awareness. Nor does it sound like he admits that it was wrong to throw a hamper at you and feels sorry for that. Does not sound like anything you should take seriously. It's just 

It shifted the very next day. He launched into how he sees all the ways he was wrong and he was sorry for all he ever did to me. He wanted to get in to grief counseling and be a better person. I told him that was wonderful that he wanted to better himself.

The next night it was crying. That he couldn't do this. How because of his choices he has no one to turn to, no where to go., no career, etc. and that he can't be strong for the kids. That he knows I am not his mother but he needs my support to get better. I did tell him I pushed him to get better and seek help for years. I told him he would be okay financially because I am obligated by law to financially support him for almost 10 years.

Fast forward to yesterday, he taken photos of us out of the frames but left the frames on the wall. He told me he has something wrong with his brain that makes him act the way he does and it is unfair for me to be angry at him because he can't help the way he acts of behaves.  In fact, he says, he sent me a youtube video on how to interact with him and I never changed. He then called me a quitter and said I would have to tell our kids I was a quitter. That shifted to him just hysterically crying saying he wasn't okay and wasn't going to be okay.

It seems he is pulling out every card he can think of between manipulation and gaslighting and shifting tactics when one doesn't work.

This is so hard.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex told me a few times that he had learned in therapy that his brain worked in such a way that when I said I wanted him to do something, his brain would tell him to not do that thing. So he had no control over things, but I did because I could choose not to express my wishes to him. Sigh.

[Poison Ivy]

user, this was what my ex told me. I have a feeling this was ex's interpretation, not the therapist's literal words. I don't blame the therapist.

[SonofThunder]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this behavior by your partner. I agree 100% with the following: "This has nothing to do with my anxiety medication and everything to do with toxic and unhealthy our relationship is and has been for years."

Clarityneeded,

Imo, the behaviors you describe, warrant an asap, covert departure with the kids in tow.  Imo, you may be normalized to his behaviors, but violent throwing of objects, vulgar name calling, blocking, and the very strange removal of photos are very abnormal.

Please consider a first stop at a police or fire station, telling them the TRUTH, which will time-stamp document your departure. ATM use and credit card use is online location traceable by card owners, so use a normal-by-you used ATM location and then spend cash afterward so he cannot trace your safety location.  Please consider an asap attorney to further legally protect you and the kids and further let public-safety and the legal system know what scary behaviors are occurring.

Fear of Abandonment in PD's can get wild in a hurry (link below) so take all safety precautions asap.

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/fear-of-abandonment

https://outofthefog.website/emergency

You are a strong lady.  You are not alone.

SoT