So now she's happy...

[wisingup]

Background thread:  https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=93548.0

Just got a VM from uBPDm.  Actually I got a call that I let go to VM because I've asked her repeatedly not to call me during work hours.

Anyway, she sounded giddy.  Thrilled with her new assisted living situation.  She wants to know if we can get her a comfortable recliner-type chair & then she'll be all set.

My thoughts -
1) yes, we can certainly get you a reclining chair. 
2) I'm happy & relieved that you like the place.
3)  Are you going to mention the insane trantrum(s) you had and the terrible things you said to Brother and I last weekend during the move-in process?  Or are we just going to pretend that never happened now that you're happy?

Part of me wants to confront her on this, part of me just wants to say "I'm glad it's working out" & let it lie.  We may have 10 more years of interaction & I want to push back on her bad behavior, but I'm just soooooo tired and it will upset both of us.

[Boat Babe]

    

That's the pathology of the disorder.

Shove it in the fuck it bucket and move forward into your new life without crushing responsibilities.  Hugs.

[wisingup]

Thank you Boat Babe - you're right.  It's not worth confronting at this point.  Now that she is settled, the goal is as little engagement as possible.  With what we had to accomplish that day, I couldn't just walk away, but in the future I can.

[bloomie]

wisingup - What is missing from that message is appreciation and gratitude. What is included in that message is entitlement and demands as she wants something else.

We moved my mil and fil into AL kicking and screaming the whole way. Drama very similar to what you describe in your linked post. It was the culmination of months of difficulty as they were unable to safely live where they were, but refused to move and made packing up and moving a nightmare. They behaved terribly.

Within one week of them moving we were with them at their new place and they both said something like: "We are so glad we decided to move. We just took so much pressure off of you kids. We are glad we chose this place. We love it here!"     History rewritten once again.

t's not worth confronting at this point.  Now that she is settled, the goal is as little engagement as possible.  With what we had to accomplish that day, I couldn't just walk away, but in the future I can.

When you have had some time and distance from this I hope you find a doable level of contact (if that is what you want) and peace. You have done good by your mom. Confronting people who, in our case, have very limited ability to recognize and appreciate how truly privileged they are, is most likely only productive if it is something you need to say for you. 

[moglow]

Wisingup, confronting it, however needful it may be at times, just stirs it for you while giving her opportunity for victimhood or yet more of the same ugliness if it hits her just wrong. I try to tell myself that I don't have to accept every invitation to a fight, but it's not as easily done as I'd like. And, I think back to confrontations over the years - the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. No matter how calmly or matter of fact I worded my thoughts, they was twisted into something very different on the receiving end. And honestly, right now you probably need the rest far more than you need more interaction with her.

Let her be happy in her new place for as long as it lasts, while you find happiness in your own. You've more than earned it!

[Aingeal]

It's so tempting to bring up their bad behavior but why poke the bear?  My narcmom always denies and rewrites history like everything was my fault or somehow I misunderstood the situation.     Like the others said - blow it off /put it in the F*** bucket and give a sigh of relief that you may have a minute to breathe for a moment. 

She's new at this place, people want to talk to her, show her some attention and OH DEAR GOD - get to know her (sorry I was thinking about my own narc with that last statement).  Ahhhhh so many narc supplies at the new place ........

[wisingup]

I try to tell myself that I don't have to accept every invitation to a fight

Yes, thanks Moglow - I have no fight in me right now.

Thank you all so much.  It's so helpful to get a clear-eyed view from those who know what I'm talking about but aren't enmeshed in this particular situation.  Yes, we all need rest & low-drama for a while. 

I haven't returned her chatty voice mail yet & not sure when I will, since as Bloomie points out, the underlying purpose of it was the additional things she wants me to do for her.   Buying her a (better) chair is not an emergency, getting some space from her takes priority.

[wisingup]

She's new at this place, people want to talk to her, show her some attention and OH DEAR GOD - get to know her (sorry I was thinking about my own narc with that last statement).  Ahhhhh so many narc supplies at the new place .......

Lol - no wonder she's happy!   

[wisingup]

Damn, I f***d up.  She called for the third time in as many days.  I thought she might have money questions or needs so I picked up. 

No, she just wanted to have a cozy little chat, like we're BFFs.  I cut her short, saying that I can't have this type of conversation after the way she treated us on move-in day.  Cue the usual - "I never said that"  "All I remember is how much you all helped me that day".  I asked her to just let me be & she said that was the most hurtful thing anyone ever said to her.  Also, that I have said terrible things to her.  She was revving up for the standard circular conversation where she denies ever behaving badly in her life, all of her problems are because I'm so mean to her.

I ended up not exactly hanging up on her - just saying "I can't have this conversation again, goodbye" & then hung up.  Now I'm shaking.  I feel terrified at how crazy she is and I can't get her out of my life.

Words to myself - do NOT answer the phone. Do NOT answer the phone.  Do NOT answer the phone.

After a few deep breaths, I'm feeling like I need to give myself a break.  I answered because I was worried that she had needs.  I stood my ground & didn't get sucked into the BFF chat, and I removed myself from the call rather than engage in an argument.  I could not have done any of those things a few years ago. 

[Cat of the Canals]

After a few deep breaths, I'm feeling like I need to give myself a break.  I answered because I was worried that she had needs.  I stood my ground & didn't get sucked into the BFF chat, and I removed myself from the call rather than engage in an argument.  I could not have done any of those things a few years ago.

I think you handled it great, and I'm giving you a gold star! 

I honestly think being able to remove yourself from a conversation like this, whether it's hanging up or leaving the room, is one of the biggest boundary hurdles. They are so good at moving the goalposts and twisting the narrative in a way that makes you want to keep defending/arguing/trying to make your point. Having the willpower to say, "Not today" and walking away is huge, in my book. Huge.

I'm giving you another gold star.

[wisingup]

Thank you so much Cat!  I tend to drive myself crazy wondering if I'm a garbage human being after ugly interactions with her & a few kind words such as yours help to bring me back to reality.

I moved her number to go straight to VM this morning.  I can't seem to manage medium chill with her, as even the slightest hint of pleasant behavior from me brings her right back to feeling like she can call & dump her chores and emotional needs on me.  She's now physically safe & looked after.  She can call my brother or my aunt with any financial issues & they can let me know if my involvement is needed in any way. 

Hopefully I will next see her or talk to her in a great crowd at Thanksgiving.

[Boat Babe]

I so get you Wisingup. They push our buttons till we snap. Then we feel shit. All after you bending over backwards to help them. Unreal.
As you know I'm in the process of nursing my 91 year old mother back to health and it's been truly challenging on the health front and the level of personal care needed. She's feeling much better today and was able to come downstairs for her evening meal about seven. I cracked open a beer to drink with my dinner - first and probably last of the day. She said that my son told her he's worried about me drinking too much. Out of the blue, just like that. Dear God, the woman has never seen me drunk and has witnessed zero enthusiastic let alone problem drinking. But she had to get a dig in and use my son as ammo. I shamefully rang him to ask if it was true and ended up dragging him into it. He wisely put a boundary in place and told me that if I didn't calm down he would have to hang up (smart kid). Now I feel like a garbage human being too.
They do that, PD parents. That's why we're here. Much love to you.

[wisingup]

I so get you Wisingup. They push our buttons till we snap. Then we feel shit.

Yes, this is it in a nutshell.  When I'm not interacting with her I feel like I'll be able to stay calm & collected & often I can.  But then WHAM - she gets in a mood and attacks from every angle.  I've dealt with that enough for one lifetime.

I'm sorry your mom is doing similar to you.  Your son does sound like a smart kid - I hope you'll let him know that he did the right thing.  I'm thinking now that, because he chose not to engage, it saved both of you from going through the aftermath of a high-intensity interaction.  I can't imaging my mom seeing my almost hang-up in the same light though - she is probably telling anyone who will listen how her mean terrible daughter hung up on her.  And there is the difference.