Bad Daughters Club

[Call Me Cordelia]

I propose we call ourselves the Trauma Queens. A black sheep wearing a crown works.

I'm NC with all of them. But Mother's Day wasn't a big deal in my FOO either, curiously. I think insisting on a big fuss would have undercut the martyr pose.

How many covert narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just sit there in the dark, it's fine. 

This year I am in charge of a giant Mother's Day fundraiser on the weekend.  The fact that it's a Mother's Day thing really doesn't bother me. I'm just glad I don't have to run it with my mom there! Years ago I likewise insisted that oh no, I don't want anything. But now, why yes, I will take some flowers, thank you! I think it's been pretty easy to fly under the radar about not having a mother on Mother's Day. It's nothing like the cultural expectations around Big Happy Family Christmas in my opinion.

One of my life goals is to make sure that my kids never feel the need to join the bad daughters club.  I just don't want to make others miserable as I age.

[PunkCroc]

I honestly don't know what to do about mother's day this year. It always made me feel squicky, given the history of what actually happened to the woman who created it (it's...actually very horrible.) But in addition to learning about a lot of hidden truths about my mom, and the fact that both my dad and my paternal grandmother died, and my maternal grandmother is on hospice...I feel like doing nothing would be wrong?

[feenix]

Re: MD
I bought a box of her favorite chocolates a few weeks ago, when they were on sale, and a card from the $2. dollar store. I have no idea what the card says. My technique when buying cards for these kinds of people is to read the greeting and the one which makes me feel the least horrible is the one I buy.
I will wander over their house at some time during the day. I have to go over there regularly to collect their bills so I can pay them, so it will just be part of my routine. Mum is the enabler/co-dependent, so she is more tolerable, and will actually thank me for the gift, before she starts complaining about the same things she always does. FD is the one I dread more.

[feralcat]

I too send the most generic card I can find. Although nowadays, to be quite honest, I could send her the most gushing card and it wouldn't mean a thing to me. And she knows. I come from a large family so I stay in touch..ish. She's manipulative, and comes over ott grateful when I visit. And I stare at her and think 'whatever'

My most treasured 'in joke' card was an early one that said " Thank you for making me the person I am today " . Yeah, thanks a bunch, Mommie Dearest.

[PunkCroc]

My sister said she usually just sends an e-giftcard for Starbucks and calls it a day. This year we agreed to go in on one. $15 each. Makes for a $30 gift card. Good enough.

I said I guess I'm in the black sheep club now. She said no matter what we do, we're both in the black sheep club now because everyone who matters know the truth.

[wisingup]

Sending good wishes to all the Bad Daughters today - raise a glass to yourself for seeing the truth & taking steps to protect yourself!

[Sneezy]

Sending good wishes to all the Bad Daughters today - raise a glass to yourself for seeing the truth & taking steps to protect yourself!

Same to you, wisingup! I'm thinking of all my fellow bad daughters today and sending you all a virtual hug, wherever you may be.

I took my mom to church today and listened to the yearly sermon on how there is no better love than a mother's love, and how a mother's love is like God's love, and on and on. And I didn't roll my eyes once.  And I truly thank God for all the mother-figures in my life - my grandmothers, aunts, friend's moms, cousins, etc. Mom was actually pretty good today - she only tried to pick one fight and only told two big whoppers as far as I could tell. So it could have been worse.

You all hang in there today 

[Cat of the Canals]

I called and she didn't answer. I consider myself off the hook! Happy Bad Daughters Day to me and the rest of you, too. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I survived the Mother's Day fundraiser. A lot of women brought their moms, naturally enough, and I heard more than once from people I really don't know, "Is your mother here? No? Oh I hope she knows what a good job you're doing!" Huh. I'm NC. My mother would sabotage the hell out of the whole thing and undermine my confidence. She despises this organization and I'm the scapegoat. So I just smiled and thanked them for coming. And I didn't even feel anything about it, I had too many other things on my mind. Like the speech I had to give in a minute. Which gave zero obligatory lip service to mothers, and said nothing that wasn't 100% true. It was still quite nice and all, but I felt like a pretty badass Bad Daughter.

My own family went for a hike and now I'm being a bum while my husband grills dinner. 

[Poison Ivy]

I spent most of the day with my mom, my sister, and one brother. Today's weekly visit reminded me that I don't like my mom very much. So please accept my application to join the club.

[moglow]

Most painful mother post I read today:
"Missing my Momma on this special day. Cherish your mother.  Her love is unquestionable, unconditional, unqualified, and unending."

The mother mentioned was a gem, to be sure, I remember her well. I have no doubt their family knew those things to be true, that they can't imagine life with mothers like ours.

I'm just glad it's behind us for another year.

[Poison Ivy]

  Everyone has a different mother, even siblings. So I too am glad for those folks but I also wouldn't generalize their experience to everyone else.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You know, we don't sentimentalize fathers to nearly the same degree. And yet God is a Father, not a Mother, at least in the dominant culture of the West. It's curious.

Yes to siblings having different parents. I feel I regularly owe apologies to my oldest children, because they did not get the best version of myself, for sure!

[wisingup]

I'm just glad it's behind us for another year.

[Sneezy]

I'm just glad it's behind us for another year.

Me too!  I went on facebook and liked all the mom posts and then I tried to avoid it for the rest of the day.  Some of my friends are really grieving for their moms, and it sounds like there are a lot of moms who really rock out there.  That's not what we have and it sucks.  But as you say, it's behind us for another year.