she's coming to college

[littleladybug]

I, Ladybug, have a younger sister, BumbleBee, who has BPD. The worst of it was around ages 14-16 for me and she was 12-14. So much of it is repressed, but I still hold on to what I know happened. BumbleBee was a relentless bully towards me and my younger brother, GrassHopper (8-10). Our parents did anything and everything to make sure no one upset BumbleBee, even when that meant letting her scream awful things at us. I took on a parental/protector role over GH to try to protect him from the bullying. I was also struggling with my mental health at the time, but I was high functioning and was told my sisters issues were more severe. There are many more details, but that should provide enough background information. BumbleBee has been pretty stable for a while now, but we have never really had a good relationship. Lots of ups and downs. When I left for college it was really good for us. The distance was what I needed and helped me to not feel like I had to worry about her. She is graduating this summer and coming to the same college I am at. It is a big school with lots of people, but this is genuinely my worst nightmare. I have had a very challenging 3 years and I am finally in a better place and at a school I love. I know the college transition can be hard and I am worried that I am going to have to take care of her if something happens. My parents assure me that we will set boundaries and that I am not responsible for her, but with us being a mile away that doesn't feel like the case. My parents mean everything to me which is why I feel so much responsibility because if something happened to BB it would wreck my parents. I think about her coming here and all I can think of is when she was at her worst. She also doesn't like the fact that she will be at my school just bc we don't have the best relationship. She has zero clue of the trauma I have as a result of her or the amount of emotional pain she has caused me. She randomly blocked me on all social media and my phone number last month, but I will be seeing her in a few weeks for her graduation. I can't even talk about this without automatically crying and I really just don't know what to do. I wish we could have a normal relationship but that just isn't the case. I think I am going to resent her even more for choosing to come to the college I am at. I just don't know what to do and I am trying to protect myself and my peace of mind as much as I can. I had enough challenges in my life before she decided to come here. A part of me wants to go no contact because I worry that if we do talk she will call me crying about something and I will automatically go back to where I was as a kid, worried, focused on her, which will only result in me worrying more. Any advice, comments, or encouragement is welcome. Thanks

[Srcyu]

Hello ladybug,
Just some observations that might provide a chink of clarity for you.
I'm wondering if your parents encouraged your sister to chose your college, thereby reassuring themselves that she would not be alone. Throughout your life they have always put her first and it could be that they are still doing that. Your parents may not be able to concern themselves too much about how the arrangement will work out for you.

Throughout your life it seems that they have used you as a shock absorber for the family to soak up your sister's problems. They also used you to help shield your little brother. Thank goodness you were there for him because it sounds as though they weren't.

They have sacrificed you time and again on the alter of your favoured sister.  They are still trying to do that now despite their unlikely promises of good boundaries. They can not really make that happen as you already know.
By sending her to your college they are very much making you responsible for her, using you - again.

How to protect yourself is the issue. If she is prone to blocking you then you can arrange your security settings to keep her out for good. Your parents mean the world to you, you say. It's possible you are still looking for signs of appreciation and approval from them. Yet they only seem to approve when you are willing to place yourself last.

Is there a Principle of some sort that you can confide with at the college? Someone who could help put a strategy together for dealing with your sister when the expected problems arise.

I'm so sorry they've allowed/approved for this to happen. Surround yourself with your friends at all times and avoid  giving her any chance to be with you alone.


milly

[littleladybug]

Hi Milly, thanks so much for your response. My parents said that they couldn't prohibit her from going to a college just because I go here. I actually transferred here from another college and did so knowing my sister liked this school, but had a lot of others on her list. We have close family friends in the area, so my parents reassure me that they would call them for help, not me. Both of my parents have been surprisingly understanding and sympathetic about how upset this is all making me, but they just feel like there isn't much they can actually do to help me. I am going to talk to my therapist on Monday to hopefully put some sort of plan in place. I have a lot of good friends here who understand my situation the best they can and understand that I want to keep my sister and my's lives completely separate from each others. I'd like to think my parents are trying their best to keep me healthy and happy, but it's challenging. Aside from this they are amazing parents and I can always look to them for support, so I would hate to risk damaging my relationship with them

Ladybug

[Leonor]

Hi Ladybug,

I'm so sorry that what should be a place of excitement and wonder and learning for you has been rocked by the possible future presence of your sister.

Even if your campus is small, you actually don't have to interact with her once (or if) she arrives. You don't have to see her, let alone subject yourself to her bullying. Do you know every single administrator, faculty member, or student on your campus? In your classes? Or residence hall or apartment building? Of course not. So there is psychological space, even if physically she is closer than before.

Keep on mind, Ladybug, that she is younger than you are. That doesn't mean she isn't hurtful. But that does mean you are older. Wiser. More worldly. More familiar with the school and campus and how college life "works." You're the big sis, and you are blossoming into your own strong, capable self, and you do not have to tolerate mistreatment from anyone.

You're a ladybug, but you're also a butterfly! You're just in the chrysalis of your life, growing and stretching and changing, and change is scary. You're getting ready to emerge as a new adult human being, a woman of education and promise, and that's wonderful.

But it's terrifying too. Who will you be if you're not your sister's punching bag? How will you make your own way as an adult in the world and not as the daughter of your mom and dad? What role, what place, what space in this big wide world do you envision for yourself? What are your dreams for you outside of your childhood family? In other words, dear Ladybug, welcome to your 20s!

You deserve to be the center of your attention right now. Mom and Dad aren't going anywhere and, frankly, they can handle it. Whatever "it" is, they can deal. Your little brother will make his way, knowing he has an ally and supporter in his sister Ladybug. And Bumble will have to figure this college life stuff out on her own, because that's an important part of her journey.

Where is the student life office or student health clinic on your campus? It might be helpful to ask for some support from adults who know the school, know what it's like to live and study there, and really get what it's like to be a college student experiencing anxiety and traumatic stress. Also, it should be free! You are growing out of the support your parents can give you, but that doesn't mean you have to do this on your own.

Go somewhere on campus that you love. A quad. A walking path. A library. A cafe. Sit there and look around and breathe. And say to yourself, "This is mine. I deserve this. I am happy here."

[bloomie]

littleladybug - hello there and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am glad you have made your way here and reached out for encouragement and support.

It is good to read that your parents are supportive and understanding of the strain and concerns this has put you under. That is an important part of the equation for you going forward.

The truth is, you are at an age when you are determining who you stay in close connection with. It is healthy and normative to develop your own circle of intimate friends and decide if you will carry forward the kind of responsibility you have taken for your siblings into this new season of your life. You get to decide how little or much you will engage and the when and how of it as well. That's good news!

You do not have to carry forward the role you were put in as a sibling in your FOO. That is not unloving, that is not uncaring, that is not unkind. It is healthy and right to separate and individuate. Giving yourself and your sister space to make your own way and pursue your own interests and relationships, separate from each other is what love looks like.

The thing about most college campuses is there are layers of help for students that may be struggling in a myriad of ways. If your sister destablizes, then it really is for that system to be activated and time for the pros to come in, along with your parents, to help her get back to a place of stability.

My parents assure me that we will set boundaries and that I am not responsible for her

Thinking through what does and does not work for you in this relationship and then starting as you mean to go with limits and boundaries is key. You decide for you. Your parents' boundaries will look different from yours because they are in a very different position of responsibility for your sister.

It seems like for the greater good, your parents required all of you to allow yourselves to be abused by your sister and you took on the sentinel role of protector over the family dynamic. I imagine your parents were overwhelmed and thought they were doing the right thing. As wonderful as they are, this was a choice that has harmed all of you and is possibly behind the worry and anxiety you are experiencing as you consider being in the same zip code as your sister. I kindly say that was a mistake on their part.

It is now yours to make sure you are never put in that position again. The toolbox above and the traits information are two places to begin to build a toolset that will serve you well when another person's behaviors are harmful or their expectations are inappropriate. Take some time to read through the strategies and the many conversations taking place all over the forum. The work you do to equip yourself and raise your awareness, learn to set boundaries and limits will serve you well your entire life.

Looking forward to supporting you!

[lkdrymom]

I would make it very clear to your parents that you will not be your sister's keeper.  The two of you could very well be on the same campus and NEVER run into each other.  There is no need for you to interact with her at all if you don't want to.  I think you could easily avoid her however I worry your parents will want you to be the go to person if there is an issue.  That is where you need to make your stand perfectly clear.  She is their child and their responsibility.  Any issues with her need to be dealt with my them, not you.

[walking on broken glass]

Hello Ladybug!
I fully sympathise with your fears and anxiety but I want to reassure you that the future need not be, indeed should not be a repetition of the past. You are wise and strong and you will put the boundaries in place to make sure this doesn't happen. If no contact is the right option for you, you will go no contact. You have a responsibility first and foremost to look after yourself, not your sister or your parents. Each one of them is responsible for their own lives. It is not your job to make anyone happy but yourself! It sounds simple but I know how challenging it can be to actually say it, believe it, and make it happen. Make it your motto!

Your story resonated with me. I have a BPD sis, four years older than me, who also bullied me when I was younger, and my parents always tolerated it or pretended it didn't happen. They have always been on her side, justifying and fully supporting her, while expecting me to put up with her behaviour and be her friend no matter what. The first time my sis and I lived together as adults was when we both went to the same grad school, and it was a total nightmare for me. I am still amazed I managed to graduate. She demanded I spent my free time with her, kicked up a fuss when I was busy or made other plans, shouted and swore at me in front of my friends and boyfriend, picked fights with them, had constant tantrums etc. Meanwhile my parents were blaming me for not being more patient and supportive because sis was 'under a lot of stress'. We had long Skype conference calls where my parents shouted at me and scapegoated me. I thought I was losing my mind until I finally decided to have counselling, which put things into perspective. I went very low contact with sis for some time and that helped. It's now been years that she lives far away and I am in touch with her only very occasionally but I think I would still be terrified if she decided to come and live in the same city as me! Mind you, we are both now I our 40s and I am still terrified of her! Talking to your therapist and putting a strategy together sounds like a very smart plan. It is good that your parents don't expect you to look after her but from personal experience I would say this might take on a very different meaning from what you have in mind. Be prepared to push back! I understand that you love your parents and want to help but please remember that the current situation is to a great extent their fault because they did not deal with your sis's problems correctly: focusing on her and making her a priority meant disadvantaging you and your brother, as well as parentifying you, giving you load to carry that wasn't yours. I am not saying this to persecute their parents, as I am sure they did what they thought was best, but just to remind you that your priority should be yourself, and noone else. Being a sibling and a target of a BPD, it is very easy to forget that.

[littleladybug]

Thank you all so much for your kind words of support and advice! I have started working on a letter to my parents kinda outlining my concerns and what I need from them. I'm going over it with my therapist soon who knows them and our situation very well. I'm hoping they understand and can give me what I need. I go home in 10 days for a full 3 weeks, so I am anxious to see them as well as my sister who hasn't spoken to me in 6 weeks. It sucks because she's graduating, so everybody will be celebrating her graduation and future college. To add even more salt to the wound, I graduated in the class of 2020, so due to covid I lost the last few months of my senior year including graduation and the festivities that come with it. Gonna just do my best to power through the few weeks and then I can come back to my college town for the rest of the summer.

<3 Ladybug