My Family and the Relationship With My Ex

[Kat54]

Have been divorced for almost 4 years which is hard to believe as it went soo fast. Enjoying my freedom and living life on my terms away from my ex who is toxic and very manipulative, verbally abusive. He in some ways bad and good, lives next to my sister in the house we owned together.
She was a life saver to my kids during our divorce especially my daughter. I moved an hour away to another state so it was hard on my daughter at the time. Thankfully daughter always kept a close relationship with my sister and her cousins. She's like a sister with them.
My ex living next door I felt my sister had to walk the fine line of keeping a fairly good relationship with him despite how he treated me during our marriage so as to not have him alienate our kids from my family when we split up. He's very good at bad mouthing, lying and swaying our kids. He has terrible relationships within his own family. Most of his siblings he doesn't speak to.

The issues that have cropped up for me at times have been hurtful with my sister and her family. My ex pops over her house, they all hang out a lot. He's stayed pretty close with my brother in law. They know his shenanigans and keep their relationship with him I always hope in perspective. Maybe not. I feel like they need to stay loyal to me.

Last week I get an invite to my nieces husbands surprise 40th in a text. She took a picture of the card and sent it to me and said sorry this is a last minute invite. She had seen me that day and I'm sure she invited my ex and kids but forgot to invite me.
Then several days later I see a photo on social media, pictures from my nephews engagement party that was my sisters immediate family only... she had told me that. None of our other family were invited. Guess who's there... my ex.  Daughter was there also.

How does this make me feel? Sad and just when I felt like the relationship with my ex and I have improved. He shows again his manipulation in his relationship with my sister and family. I'll always feel like the outsider when dealing with him. My ex overshadows me in every way possible with his over friendly personality, all my nieces and nephews still refer to him as the fun uncle. Yeah I'm having a poor me moment.
I declined the 40th surprise party.
Am I over reacting?

[Big Bear]

How does this make me feel?  Sad

Am I over reacting?

Dear Kat54,

I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through.  There are so many layers to this!

In your post you mentioned that all of this made you feel sad.  Then you asked if you were over reacting.  I would say that being sad would be a perfectly appropriate response to such a difficult situation. 

If I ever got a last-minute, "oops, we forgot to tell you sooner" pseudo-invitation, I would turn it down too!  If you were genuinely invited, you would have gotten the actual card (not a picture of the card that someone else got).   

If it would help you feel any better, once my sister planned a vacation and invited everyone from my family of origin except me.  I ended up hearing about it a while later from a family member who did get invited.  I hate to be a party-crasher, and I really only show up if I feel that the host or planner actually wanted me to come.  Well, the truth is, I really felt let down.  It was a bummer to get left-out from a big family reunion. 

My only solace was that I really wouldn't have enjoyed the vacation anyways!  My grandiose narc sis has an uncanny ability to throw a wrench into any event planning and leave everyone else's heads spinning!  If I would have tried to attend, Sis would have ruined the vacation with last-minute changes, ever-changing demands, and a complete disregard for others.  Based on what I heard after the trip, this is exactly what ended up happening.!  So, in the end, I came to regard being left out as a blessing in disguise. 

So, is it hard to be left out?  Absolutely!  In the end could it be to your advantage?  Possibly! 

Take Care,
Big Bear

[notrightinthehead]

This is not the first time that you feel your sisters family spends more time with your ex and they are closer to him than to you. You often feel excluded when you are in the same circle as your ex.
He hasn't changed. When you have contact with him, you feel as you always felt.  You have changed. You no longer want to play the role assign to you. Of course that is sad. Of course this change comes with losses. And I am so sorry! I also lost so many people who for decades I thought of as friends, when I left. That's so painful. We chose the least terrible path, none of our options were good.
I don't think you are overreacting, and maybe you can let this be a warning sign, that as long as he is anywhere in your life, mind, head, he will hurt you.

Now, you could ask yourself, have you thought about letting your family know that you will no longer attend any event if  he is invited? Would that even be an option for you? Are you scared they would choose him over you?

[lkdrymom]

You aren't overreacting. It stinks when your family treats someone who treated you badly with such high regard.   One time my parents were with me (and 2nd husband) when my ex came to pick up the kids. My father ran to him with open arms.  My husband found that highly offensive to me.  I didn't want my parents to be mean to him (at least not in front of the kids) but treating him like a long lost friend was very offensive to me after all he had put me through.

[Kat54]

You hit the nail on the head lkdrymom, they still hold him in high regard. They absolutely do. I always felt overshadowed by him which those are my insecurities with his super friendly ways verses me being more reserved.  And it's not like they are really closer to him but he's around so I guess it's easy to invite him.
He's very all consuming with relationships and when he tires of you he'll start bashing, degrading the person, saying mean things about them behind their back. Very childish kind of things. and then he discards and has no use for you anymore.

I don't want my family to be mean to him but there have to be some boundaries with the relationship.

And I did not go to my nieces party. Stayed home and had a nice quiet night.