via the triangulation network: Dad just wants to die now. Really???

[feenix]

Both of my parents, who are now in their 90's exhaust me.  I'm trying to keep a balance of helping them when they need it, but maintaining low contact and grey rock, for my own health and sanity. They are still independent, living in their own home.  They have some help with the garden, but still do their own shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. I have recently just taken over their bill paying, because dad can no longer see very well, and mum never learned how to do it.
A brief summary of their personalities and style of disfunctioning: Dad is and has always been self centered, grandiose and obsessed with control. Mum has been his enabler, and displays several different personalities depending on the situation, she tends to suppress all her feelings for months, and then will explode in rage, and then they enter the silent phase for a while.  Communication is abysmal and has always been via triangulation. They don't speak directly or honestly about anything really. It's very confusing trying to figure out what's going on with them. Getting anything done with them is a complete circus, and always has been to some extent.
Since dad has started losing his vision, he's been struggling to maintain control over his lifestyle. He recently lost his ability to drive. Mum still drives, but dad refuses to get in the car with her because she 'drives too fast'. He doesn't like my driving either, because I 'go the wrong way'.

Yesterday I visited and collected some bills to pay. Dad was in bed and didn't get up. Apparently he had gone out earlier to do some grocery shopping. The last time my sister visited, about a week ago, she said he was up and was all 'puffed up' and argumentative, boasting and challenging and generally unpleasant. He seems to go through these cycles of puffing up and then deflating. Or maybe it depends on who he's with.  When he's with me these days, he seems quite low and deflated, talks to me respectfully, mostly, maybe because he knows I wont take his nonsense any more. But he talks negatively about me to other people, because they have told me.
Mum spent most of my visit complaining about dad, and then she told me that he keeps saying that he doesn't want to live any more. She said he keeps switching between being nice to her, and then attacking her verbally. This is really nothing new, it's been his lifetime cycle, but it's escalating and becoming more obvious to mum I guess, or maybe she's finally coming out of denial. She has no life of her own, it's all about him all of the time. She isn't even able to talk about herself or her own ideas or interests, because everything is about dad. I ask her about her, and it goes right back to him.
I don't know whether to take what she told me seriously, about him saying he doesn't want to live any more. Any normal person would go and get some counseling, for depression. In reality, he has plenty to live for. He just bought a brand new, top of the line mobility scooter, and was so proud of it for about a week.  He can still get around ok, of course he has some health issues, but he's not in constant pain. He can still eat, drink, see friends, watch TV, listen to the radio, go shopping, walk for short distances, and he has people around him who are willing to take care of what he can't.
Last week I told mum it sounds like he might be depressed, and that he could get some counseling. She looked at me shocked, in disbelief and then dismissed my suggestion. I knew it was ridiculous when I said it. They are not the kind of people who get counseling, because there is nothing wrong with them, only with each other and everyone else.
Problem is, dad rarely admits to anything being wrong, not to me or anyone else as far as I know. He likes to keep his self image intact, which is obviously getting harder and more exhausting these days, hence lots of going back to bed I suppose, I really have no idea what it's like being him.
I really don't know what to do with this. I can't imagine him taking his own life, but I have heard that it's not unusual for the aging narcissist, when they are no longer able to get enough supply to keep their inner demons away.
Does anyone else have experience of something like this?

[NarcKiddo]

My uNPD mother has had periods when she has said she hates her life and would kill herself if only she could find a method that was not painful. I think she has been quite selective about who she has said that to.

From what I have read on the subject it is more common for people who are fully intent on ending things not to broadcast their intentions lest they are thwarted. Mentioning an intention is usually a cry for help, although in the case of a narcissist I am not sure it is a cry for help so much as a cry for more and better supply.

You are getting this second hand via your mother. I am not suggesting he has not said what she reports but unless you are present when such things are said it is completely impossible to judge what the situation actually is and why he is saying it. The suggestion of counselling is really the only one you can make. I said the same to my mother but she was having none of it. Counsellors and therapists are charlatans in her book.

Finally, although this may sound harsh, I don't think you should take any active measures to prevent him. You could search the house for stashes of drugs, or whatever, but to what end? He'll either attempt something or he won't. This is not a problem for you to suffer. Even if he says it directly to you I would argue that it is still not your problem, apart from you suggesting counselling or giving him info about organisations that can help.

Your mother may fear that he might carry out his threat because what will her life be if she has nobody to enable? That is her problem, not yours.

You are giving them practical help as necessary and it sounds like that is the best and only thing you can be expected to do. It is of course a tough situation to navigate and I feel for you. Sending you hugs and good wishes for strength.

[feenix]

Thank you for your reply Narckiddo, for sharing your experience and for validating my thoughts about this.
I just spoke to my dad on the phone, he was as chirpy and upbeat as ever. That was exactly one hour after receiving an accusatory, negative tone message from him, suggesting that I didn't pay one of their bills. on purpose and demanding that I do something right away.
Reality was, I didn't pay it because they didn't give it to me, resulting in the insurance policy being cancelled, they had just received a cancellation notice.
But the weird thing was, he sounded far from suicidal, in both his message or on the phone directly. So my guess is that it's more manipulation, either from him to her, or her to me. Either way, I'm not wasting any more of my concern or energy over it.