Appointment with lawyer tomorrow

[losingmyself]

I am moving forward...
Last week, I was able to talk to the lawyer that I wanted to talk to. I was so happy that I did.
Tomorrow, I have a meeting with him in the afternoon. I will pay him, and he'll get started. H shouldn't find out.
Then, I just have to figure out the logistics of it. I spoke to my S and I can stay with her for a while, until H hopefully complies and moves out.
I don't know how I feel.
Not really scared, maybe nervous, but actually kind of excited.
I haven't wanted him in my life for a long time. Time to change things.     
I am acting normally around the house. Pretty GR, as usual.
I honestly don't know how he's going to react. DD insists that if I tell him face to face that I have someone there with me. I will talk to my lawyer about it tomorrow. I'm guessing he'll agree with her.
Or, I'll leave work one afternoon and grab my stuff and leave the divorce papers on the coffee table. But that doesn't feel right. I do not want to run away.
Wish me luck and strength

[Poison Ivy]

Yay for you for moving forward!

[SonofThunder]

Hi losingmyself!  Sending you thoughts and prayer!

Imo, if you believe that "..grab my stuff and leave the divorce papers on the coffee table" is necessary to protect your physical and/or emotional safety and/or strength, that is not at all "running away"...that is experiential wisdom and a tightly guarded war-plan of self protection.  If doing so is also a highly effective way to get the job done, that is a well-carried out war plan.  Imo, your physical and emotional safety is your highest priority.  You don't owe him anything, nor is a guarded and carried out war plan a source of weakness, but just the opposite!  Hold your cards VERY close.  Protect battle plans!  Silence is power!

A few tidbits from Sun Tzu's great and battle-proven ancient writing:  'The Art of War'.

"Now the general who wins a battle, makes many calculations in his temple(privately) ere (before) the battle is fought. The general who loses a battle makes but few calculations beforehand. Thus do many calculations lead to victory, and few calculations to defeat: how much more no calculation at all! It is by attention to this point that I can foresee, who is likely to win or lose."

"It is only one who is thoroughly acquainted with the evils of war that can thoroughly understand the profitable way of carrying it on."

"Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting."

"Hence the saying: If you know the enemy, and know yourself, you need not fear the result of 100 battles.  If you know yourself, but not the enemy, for every victory gained, you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle."

Wishing you wisdom,

SoT

[BeautifulCrazy]

Losingmyself you are so brave and you are doing so well!!

I totally agree with SoT that taking your stuff and leaving the papers on the coffee table is not running away, but a very smart strategy.

I left with all my things while my PDH was at work and left my key in the mailbox (the house was his). I texted him once I was clear to let him know. Then I blocked him on all media and means of communication.
Not doing it in person can be a fabulously undramatic and freeing choice. It can be all about you and your new life and your forward momentum.
I think if I had let my PDH know in person, it would have been about his anger and whatever else, and my anxiety around it. Instead I skipped the potential accusations, personal attacks and hoovers, and just honored my forward flow.

Sending you all the best losingmyself!!

[Andeza]

Strategic withdrawal, not a retreat. Two very different ideas. You have not been routed, you are withdrawing to determine and take the next course of action. Your safety is the highest priority, in my opinion, therefore take care of yourself.

[Gman22]

In my state, it's also an option to have an agent of your attorney serve the papers.  Smart strategy for many instances, I'd wager.

[losingmyself]

I did it! I went with a knot in my stomach, shaking like a leaf, but I got the process started! It will be a couple weeks, and I still have to sort out a lot of bills, but he's working on the paperwork.  I am proud of myself, sort of, but I should have done it long ago.
My lawyer is going to mail H a letter that tells him to get a hold of him so he can get the divorce decree, he was adamant that I am not there when he gets that letter. I feel very protected by him and all my loved ones. Everything will be all right.
There is a light at the end of this long tunnel, where I can be ME.
As the person who talks about divorce and how I'm going to leave him, I'm sure he'll be completely devastated and surprised. I don't want to be there for that drama. I have had enough of it the last 11 years.
Thanks for all your support. I read all your comments over and over yesterday.

[escapingman]

 

Well done, I am so happy for you! I remember when I got my first appointment with a lawyer, it was huge.

Make sure you stay safe and don't give him any supply. Remember, its all about you now, 100% you.

[square]

I'm pulling for you!

[losingmyself]

I know that I have to hide what I'm doing. I got the divorce decree, and I have a plan to leave in a couple weeks.
I feel so much like I'm being a bad person, acting like everything is just fine. He asked me last night, again "So, what are your plans for the summer? Are you sticking around?"
This is in reference to what my first H said to  me, when I told him that I wanted a divorce. Like, he's making fun of him. I am a horrible, terrible liar. I put a smile on my face, and chuckled and said "Yeah" It's not a real question, so he doesn't expect much of an answer.
But, the guilt! I have been responsible for this person for so long! Not that I need to continue to be, but he's going to be so lost.
And the plans I'm making, and the lawyer... I just feel terrible.
I keep telling myself that this is the only way to live a life I want. It's going to be hard.
How did you all deal with that?

[escapingman]

You are not supposed to look after another adult human being just to make sure he is OK emotionally.  You have to let go, just let go. You are the priority.

I had terrible guilt when I filed, but I knew I had to do it to save myself and DD. Why would you continue giving up your life to please someone unpleasable? I am almost 1 year NC (extreme low contact) and my mental health is coming back. I was out in the garden today hanging up my laundry, I took my top off and felt the wind against my skin - uNPDxw would have shouted at me how dare I risk the neighbours seeing my without a top. Live life, it's amazing!

[SonofThunder]

I know that I have to hide what I'm doing. I got the divorce decree, and I have a plan to leave in a couple weeks.
I feel so much like I'm being a bad person, acting like everything is just fine. He asked me last night, again "So, what are your plans for the summer? Are you sticking around?"
This is in reference to what my first H said to  me, when I told him that I wanted a divorce. Like, he's making fun of him. I am a horrible, terrible liar. I put a smile on my face, and chuckled and said "Yeah" It's not a real question, so he doesn't expect much of an answer.
But, the guilt! I have been responsible for this person for so long! Not that I need to continue to be, but he's going to be so lost.
And the plans I'm making, and the lawyer... I just feel terrible.
I keep telling myself that this is the only way to live a life I want. It's going to be hard.
How did you all deal with that?

Losingmyself,

Im separated, but not legally divorced.  You wrote:

" I keep telling myself that this is the only way to live a life I want. It's going to be hard."



At first, the guilt was extremely heavy!  I was thoroughly conditioned for that guilt-heaviness by my uPDw, and that weight is exacerbated by the Karpman drama triangle 🔺behaviors of the PD, and the foundational PD trait of 'fear of abandonment' (link at bottom) upon separation. 

Imo, PD's are emotionally-stuck adolescents trapped in an aging body.  Therefore my guilt feels like a storyline, where I have abruptly abandoned my very young daughter from our small-town suburbs, into a scary and busy threatening huge inner-city subway system and just walked away.  My mind races to the heavy load that I promised to care for this girl, but I am unable to provide any longer, in order to rescue myself.  My mind pictures her in intense fear as she tries to make sense of why she was just left to flounder in fear, by her caretaker in this tremendously scary place all by herself, to selfishly free myself from the promises I made to her.  This feeling is always with me, still today. I accept that the feeling lives with me always.

Over time though, as I have conducted my necessary business in that big city in the many months since I left her in the subway, I have seen my young girl at a distance, going about her new city life, and she seems to be adapting very well!  🤔

I also run into her periodically, face to face on the city streets, and she's very angry with me, telling me how very scary and difficult her life is now.  Although, I continue over time, from a distance, notice my young girl around town with her new city friends, and they actually appear to be having fun!....laughing, going to coffee shops, eating out and shopping. 🤔😉  I also see her from a distance, getting on and off along the same subway rail system which I left her, and she's navigating the city very well!  But, each time I see her face to face, she repeats the same angry hardships to me, and dies the same to all the people we both jointly know.  But with her new close friends in the city, shes having a wonderful, bold and confident time. 🤔😉😀

My guilt abandoning feeling is always with me, but over time, the heaviness of it seems to slowly be subsiding, and replaced by the truth. As I continue (at a distance)  to see her boldly and confidently conducting her new city life with new friends, I begin to understand that the hardship is only conveyed to me and our mutual friends and family, and it serves to support the 🔺motives that PD's live on, in order to feed from their 🔺victim role, while secretely living a confident, self-sustaining life in which they are truly capable.

My hindsight advice to you is to allow, in mindful-awareness, that the guilt you feel is here to stay and that you have been PD-groomed to feel this way.  At the same time, turn up your radar as high as possible and notice the 🔺behavior motives for what they are and potentially compare them to the reality, over time, in which your spouse shows in future solo loving. Imo, the truth is not what is conveyed to you and family/friends from your married life, but what you high-radar notice from his new single life and his interactions with others in his own circles. 

Focus on truth while understanding PD motives.  While you steadily do this, also do as Escapingman wrote:  "Live life, it's amazing!"

SoT

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/fear-of-abandonment

[Kat54]

The first steps are incredibly hard. As scary as it is if it feels right and you have a good support network of family and friends that's a huge help.  You will get through the scary part. I felt bad and guilty as well because my ex is very needy. The downside is my kids had to pick up my role so to speak in holding his hand taking care of him.  He doesn't like to be alone. And doesn't go anywhere socially unless daughter or son are with him. They are adults so they are figuring it out now and the ex is also.
Congratulations well done.

Had to believe I'm 4 years post divorce. Looking back at that time I don't know if I would have survived without my family supporting me, housing, listening to me cry and worry. Worry about my kids. 
Ex and I are on better terms, he came to my house for Easter. Who knew...