Birthday card - yes or no?

[wisingup]

So mom & I have had a very very bad couple of weeks.  I am very angry with her and at times terrified at the tantrums she throws and then goes back to normal as soon as she feels better.  I just need her out of my life.

For 10-12 years now, I have sent her a birthday card & flowers in mid-May, making no mention of that other mid-May holiday.  She brings this up any time she gets angry at me & attempts to guilt/shame me for not acknowledging mother's day, thus guaranteeing that I will never again acknowledge it.

Anyway, for this year I am considering skipping the birthday card as well.  I know it will cause additional hurt and that is not my goal.  I just believe that any time I display the slightest kind gesture toward her, she takes it to mean that all is well & she can return to calling me.  I don't want that.  I can't get back on that merry-go-round.  I can't even muster up any good wishes for her right now, other than I would love for her to be well and happy as far as possible from me.  I don't think they make birthday cards that say that 

Any thoughts or experience in this area?

[FromTheSwamp]

I continue with cards because it seems the most likely route to seem boring.   No big changes.  But I totally understand the other point of view.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello,

I agree with FromTheSwamp, that if you give a card, you fly under the radar. You are doing the thing...

Some of us go through a stage where we do the thing, the thing that the PD parent wants, the little song and dance / card, and then we move on with going back to our own life stuff after we have given them what they want. I did this for years. I gave my PD parents gifts on their birthdays, just because it is what they expected.

That said, I also stopped doing this eventually. So it is a process. I gave birthday cards for years and years, and then I went NC.

Birthdays bring on all the fear, obligation and guilt that dysfunctional PD family members want us to feel.

In a lot of PD families, nothing is good enough - and when a PD has a birthday, they get to whine this song and dance the entire week / month (however long they want to draw it out). Nothing that anyone did for their birthday was good enough. The card wasn't right, the cake wasn't right, nothing was 'perfect'.... I watched my PD parents sing this song for years and years and years. It is the "nothing is good enough" song.

Whatever you do, take good care of yourself during this time.

Trees

[SunnyMeadow]

I always sent a card if we were apart because the FOG ran deep in me. I was too scared not to. It honestly didn't matter if I did or didn't. She spit venom when I sent a card one Mother's Day. You see I always took her out on Saturday before MD for the whole lunch, gift and shopping show. One year after a nasty episode with her, I sent a card. The most generic one I could find and she was enraged that I sent A CARD. I guess she still felt she deserved the whole MD dog and pony show. She was this way with a birthday card too.

So in my experience a card or no card, doesn't matter much. Neither option is going to work for her. Do what's best for you and do what you can muster at the time. You could get a blank card and write your own bland, pointed message. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Also want to add... I think you are very brave in not doing the Mother's Day thing with her. I was never able to break away from the tv commercial type Mother's Day celebration.

Good for you wisingup! 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

You are not the only one who wishes your parent would be happy and well and while reveling in all their happiness, be as far away from you as possible.

I believe you should do whatever feels right to you. If you do not feel like sending a card, you do not have to. You could always try it this time, and when the next card-giving occasion arises, you can re-assess based on how this was for you. I just believe that whatever you do, to do it based on how you feel. Not how others might react. It always seems that when we do it to please others or to avoid some unpleasant reaction, they still are not happy and we can just find ourselves in an endless loop.

I have done both. I have experienced my parents calling to thank me for the card I sent. When I did not answer their call or call back immediately, they quickly got angry. My "good deed" that actually took a lot of energy on my part to allow them to even have that much consideration from me turned into a reason to be hateful toward me. It was an example of how we sometimes just cannot win. Whatever you do, please do it for you and you will have my support.
 

[moglow]

Cards are the devil's workshop, I'm convinced. Send a card and it's the "wrong" one, don't send one and you're the horrible awful. I think back to the years I sent a card and called, nothing more. WRONG! Or I called, no card or text. WRONG. Then there's the text and card, no call. EVERSO WRONG! I get it - she wants/expects to be celebrated. These days I typically go with the most generic card I can muster, wish her a good day and mail it. No much, no gush, no lies. I mean, what else is there?

Thing is, I know whatever I choose will be lacking, so I do what feels best for me. I acknowledge the day and move along. If you want to send the usual card, do that. She's going to do what she's going to do regardless, ya know?

And yeah, that other May day looms. Try finding remotely appropriate cards for THAT.

[wisingup]

Wow, thanks everyone for all the input. 

I think I'd like to send a card & put something like this in it:

"Happy Birthday.  I'm glad that you like the new facility and I hope you are happy there.  I wish only good things for you.  However, I need you to accept that our relationship has been poor for many years and very unhealthy for me.  I'm going to step back for a while. 

I will continue to manage your finances & you may contact me via email if you have a finance-related question.  Please do not call me.

Enjoy your day & I'll likely see you during the holidays."

Not sure what she'll take from this...I'm hoping it lets her know that I'm done for a while, without closing the door forever.

[Cat of the Canals]

I totally understand how it would feel like doing the whole birthday routine would be giving the stamp of approval to her recent behavior. In a PD's mind, I think it IS a stamp of approval. I believe they are constantly looking at what we tolerate as tacit acceptance/approval. Maybe that's reason enough not to send a card. One of the wise people here once said something along the lines of, "The kindest thing we can do for others is to be consistent in our boundaries." I think it's fair to interpret that to mean it would be kinder to not send "mixed signals," as it were.

This was my feeling when my husband out of the blue suggested we each send our PDmoms flowers for Mother's Day a few years back, which is something we've never done in the past, and he only suggested in a fit of guilt. I was simply not willing to go there.

On the other hand, sending a card to simply avoid future grief from her is perfectly reasonable and understandable. There's no right/wrong answer here, in my mind. One could argue that sending a card and maintaining Medium Chill is another version of being consistent with boundaries, as in, "I will do XYZ but no more."

Another wise person here also suggested we "center ourselves" when faced with these dilemmas. Forget what your mother will do/think/read into. What feels right TO YOU? Do that.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Personally, I would not put that message in a birthday card. Or MD card for that matter. How COULD you?!? My daughter RUINED my BIRTHDAY!!! She's so MEAN!!! It makes sense, as it completely reflects the complicated nature of your relationship, but PD people tend not to get nuances...

Could you send the medium chill birthday card (or no card) and then follow up after the day with setting the boundary if you feel it needs to be explicitly communicated?

"I need you to accept" is kind of a pipe dream. "You may email me..." practically invites boundary testing. I called you about finances! You said you do those still! Can't I email you about my new friend Fred? You said I could email! And as the holidays approach, you PROMISED to spend the whole of them with me!

In short, I think it's likely to be interpreted as fighting words. You may consider just being less available. If she leaves you a voicemail about finances, reply via email, only respond to finance stuff, that kind of thing. Set your terms for stepping back that are right for you and do that.

This is hard when we want to be courteous even in the face of those who have no courtesy for us. But I 100% agree that kindness is being consistent in our boundaries!

[moglow]

Wisingup, if I may, I'd suggest you give her as little input *about you, your needs and intentions* as possible - don't give her ammunition for another round. Need to know information is how I've had to approach with mine. Telling her it's very unhealthy for you -while true!- could open door for another meltdown of "what about meeeeeee" you don't need right now. I'd send good wishes and glad that she's settling in well, let her know you'll likely see her around the holidays. What she does with that information is likely what she'd do even if you spell it out for her.

If she calls, don't answer and don't return the calls. Respond by email if there's actually something needed. Put it there and keep it there. Right now it just feels like you need time away from her and the dramatics, time to recover.

[wisingup]

Thanks all - I think I'm trying to have it both ways.  Sending the card, but having it not be a gesture.  It is a gesture. And one I don't feel like doing.

[feenix]

 If you genuinely don't feel like sending a card for her birthday, don't do it. Imagine the worst that could happen and decide if you would be able to handle it.  I know how difficult it is, and scary to start breaking those old obligations which no longer work for us. It's difficult not doing what is expected of us. We have been deeply programmed to NOT disappoint.  But she is going to be disappointed because that 's her personality. You will never please her, so work on pleasing yourself. Decide what kind of relationship and contact you would feel comfortable with, and make that your reality. If you would feel comfortable setting it out in writing and sending it to her, do that too. But don't expect her to comply or respect your wishes. Do it because making things clear feels right to you.

I've been working on freeing myself emotionally from my PD parents for the last several years, while still staying in contact and helping them, but without sacrificing my own mental and physical health. I have made myself my priority, something which they never did for me as a child, which they should have done, so I don't feel guilty for doing it now. It's got to a point for me that the details of what I do or don't do, are not the point, it's about what I tell myself and how I feel in response to their behavior. I still get triggered, but I'm able to talk myself back to reality now, most of the time.

I often think of the analogy of the decompressing plane, where everyone has to put the air mask on themselves first, otherwise they are no use to themselves or anyone else. If you need a break from your mother,  take it. If you want to explain it to her, do it. If you don't want to, don't. This isn't about her, it's about you. It sounds like all her basic needs are being taken care of. You don't owe her anything else, you don't even owe her that, so you have nothing to feel guilty about, in my opinion.

She is not going to free you to be yourself and to live your own life, you have to take that right back for yourself. Kindly and peacefully do not comply with her demands and expectations. Do what is right for you, do what you feel comfortable with.

I've come to realize that growing up with PD parents is like being brainwashed in a cult. We learn to think and live in ways that are way out of line with normal and healthy reality. So it's a process of deprogramming ourselves so we can align with what's healthy and functional. The closer I get to reality, and my own inner core, the better I feel, and not surprisingly, it's correlated to the distance, physical and emotional, that's between me and my parents.

Decide what is right for you, and it will be the right decision.

[wisingup]

Well, it's done.  I ordered the same flowers I sent last year.  Apparently at that time I asked for a reminder to be sent this year with an "easy re-order" button.  So I pushed the button.  I'll get the same reminder next year.  This is definitely the path of least resistance!

[Boat Babe]

That seems the wisest move wising up and the least stressful for you. Well done. As to boundaries moving forward, I find that a bit of brainstorming with pen and paper helps me in these situations. How do I need things to be re communication with my mother going forward? What is acceptable and healthy for me? How will I respond if she pushes against those boundaries?  Basically have a game plan and a set of tools.  I'm not convinced a grand declaration of intent is necessary, rather a gentle and firm change in your behavior starting now.

And be compassionate to yourself right now as you must be tired and frazzled still.

[wisingup]

Thanks all for the helpful thoughts and the support.  It's funny - I looked back at my previous posts & I go through this struggle every year & yet it feels new and stressful each time.  Mom did not call or email or text to acknowledge the flowers, which is fine and in fact preferable.  In our last conversation I asked her to "just let me be" and maybe, just maybe, she heard me.  I doubt if she would abide by that just because I asked for it, but perhaps she is recognizing that I am a dwindling source of supply.