I think I found out her game

escapingman · May 03, 2023, 10:46:48 AM

DD has been mentioning a few times in anger she wants to see uNPDxw, she mainly does it to hurt me. When she did it last time I called her out on it and said if she think she can handle it then she is free to see her. So, she actually did. They met in a public space so no real danger, but as expected it sounds like DD got somewhat love bombed. Also as expected, uNPDxw tried to fish for information about me, DD and anything else. I have no secrets, but I have told DD to be careful with oversharing - especially about moving plans as I just don't know what uNPDxw could be capable of.

But to the point of this thread, DD told me something really disturbing but not unexpected. uNPDxw told DD that one day we all will live together again. DD was spoked out by this and could not believe her mum has that belief. I know there is nothing I can do about it, but Christ she actually believe this is just temporary. I can now see the problem I have with GC and that is that xw will be playing the martyr and saying she is trying to save the family and evil dad split us all up. I knew she did this a year ago when all this started, but to still be doing it a year down the line. Looking at it, for me to have any relation with GC I will have to do some kind of reconciliation with xw. But, if I did my relation with GC would be conditioned by xw. I don't think I could do it, my mental health would deteriorate. I will have to continue my NC or as low contact as possible and hope GC sees the truth one day.

I am begging for a new supply to turn up for her, but I think she is getting plenty from her victimhood so I am not very hopeful about it. Going back to court is pointless as it would only be another drainage of money, GC still protecting xw and nothing changes. But honestly, how long can they stay in their virtual reality? I am afraid I know the answer to that, but seriously why can't they just move on.

StartingHealing · May 03, 2023, 12:32:47 PM

em,

I feel you. The level of sheer , ( I have no words ) .

I think that is part of their disorder.

In my case: back when there was a hearing on temporary spousal support, stbx popped off that she had thought that she would have been able to return to the house in a couple three weeks. This is after she was taken away in handcuffs, and the city criminal court slapped a protective order on her immediately. The protective order from the city was like 6 months. I asked for and received a protective order for a year. I am going back to the courts and see if I can obtain another protective order.

Sending you peace

Andeza · May 03, 2023, 01:12:06 PM

My parents were divorced for almost ten years when dad passed away last fall. When we told my uBPDm, she expressed that she had always hoped they'd be able to get back together. Borderline Personality Disorder does not accept change easily in any form.

escapingman · May 04, 2023, 09:13:25 AM

Thanks for your replies. In this scenario it really helps to be indifferent, I truly don't care what she thinks but I need to figure out how to get through to GC. But standing on the side I can really see her pseudo reality for what it is, that's a place I never enter again.

moglow · May 04, 2023, 09:38:09 AM

It may not be a game to her at all - she may truly believe it will all magically change without any effort on her part. Problem with that thinking is, that's what got her where it all now is. This isn't new, is what I'm saying.I don't find it disturbing nor would I be spooked by it but really rather predictable when you think about it. Her version of reality is all wrapped up in that bright shiny bubble that simply doesn't exist.

In the minds of some, whatever they choose is absolutely okay and perfect and without question, and others must play along or pay the price. Refuse, question, voice a different opinion or simply ignore are not allowed. She [along with many others discussed on these boards] appears to have envisioned herself the martyr, beaten down and abused by it all. And she believes this with every breath of her being, thus not a game.

losingmyself · May 04, 2023, 10:41:55 AM

I agree with Moglow
I fully expect this reaction from my STBX.
There will be no accountability on his part, he will be the victim. He will create in his mind, and for anyone who will listen, a story of our lives, and there will be no other. I can't control that.
I'm sorry about GC, I pray that one day she sees the truth, and you two can reconnect.
I was very impressed, though, when you said DD heard your X's story, and didn't believe her. I think that is huge!

escapingman · May 04, 2023, 11:26:01 AM

Moglow and losing, you are of course right. This is not a game for her, it is her teality. However, it is not mine or DD's reality. I can only hope GC knows or wakes up soon, when I started to see it took me time to accept I had been duped so only realistic same would be for GC. Things went so bad for DD so she had no reason and benefit of continue in that reality when I offered her a way out.

I am so so so happy that is not my reality anymore.

escapingman · May 05, 2023, 06:50:26 AM

I came across these 2 videos on youtube by Richard Grannon, they really are gold dust and explain my situation and XW down to a T.

Understanding The Female Narcissist - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyLUMpOz3zU
4 Signs Of a Borderline Personality Disorder Girlfriend - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fec421OcwFk

SonofThunder · May 06, 2023, 08:29:01 AM

Quote from: escapingman on May 04, 2023, 09:13:25 AM
Thanks for your replies. In this scenario it really helps to be indifferent, I truly don't care what she thinks but I need to figure out how to get through to GC. But standing on the side I can really see her pseudo reality for what it is, that's a place I never enter again.

You wrote:

"Looking at it, for me to have any relation with GC I will have to do some kind of reconciliation with xw. But, if I did my relation with GC would be conditioned by xw."

Imo, your relationship with GC will improve as your ex-wife beings relaxing from the facade she's fabricated and holding up for GC. GC will begin, by her mothers own revealing, to see the truth. Imo PD's never change, and when they relax the facade, it reveals the ugly mess hiding behind.

My opinion is your calm, always-open door to GC, will see her show up because the truth, as revealed by her mother, will push her steadily up to, and through your quiet open door. All you need to do is keep the door open and offer GC a place to move forward, not harbor the past.

SoT

escapingman · May 08, 2023, 04:36:21 AM

Having had time to take stock on the situation and what is going on, having watched some more videos I think I have the situation clear. XW is holding different beliefs, these vary depending in what state of mind she is in. I can now look back and this was clearly happening already many years ago, even when I was still in the FOG. Her main belief I think is that we are all a family, should stick together and she wants everybody to love her. When this fails, her second belief is that everyone not backing her first belief needs punishing. The overlap between these beliefs is her entitlement, she is always entitled, all the time. She switch between these beliefs all the time, and I think she is not fully aware of the belief she is not currently in the state for. To take it to it's most extreme, she could be there talking to SG and GC about how much she still loves me and that we all are going to live together in the house again one day, just for her to switch belief and go to the house and burn it down. Then after the house is burnt down go back to the girls and cry and wonder why evil Dad doesn't want to get back with her.

I am spending more time with "normal" people and it is mind boggling how they can manage to get annoyed with things but just brush it off and move on. I met with a friend and his partner recently, they had to do a long walk and were sweaty, she was clearly annoyed being sweaty. But after a few moans just got over it and started enjoying the time. That would have been a deal breaker with XW and she would have ripped in to me and most likely stormed off. I also find it amazing to just be me and not care what other people think of me. If I do something now I do it because I want to, not because I think someone else wants me to. Such a difference and I feel so much better doing it. If I do something and someone else doesn't like it, it's their problem and not mine - obviously if I stay within moral and legal grounds.