Not posting much so I'm going to write down my story, sans minute detail

[hhaw]

I think I've said everything on the Div&Separation board I had to say...... many many many times, in fact and that was where my focus natually landed.... on distressed parents with children, divorcing PDs.  The legal system.  The maddening 3rd party onlookers and Ts who do more harm than good. 

There's nothing new to write, at least not from me.  It's all here, ad nauseum..... it's all here. 

I have a desire to take out my boxes of journals and legal docs to see what's there, write out the high points then burn the lot in a bonfire ceremony..... one day.  Maybe soon.  Will see.

This means I'll be practicing what I've learned about discerning reality from wrong perceptions.... wrong perceptions being high on the list of things I was practicing before therapy with a good Trauma Informed T.  I suspect most on this board have similar struggles and I'm leaving bread crumbs I hope help with that too.

One thing I've made peace with is..... it's not easy, maybe it's impossible, to help someone stuck climbing a tree with the weight of a tiger hanging by a claw in one's heel....
it's difficult to help them learn to breathe, meditate and calm their Nervous System...... not that it can't be done.  I think Viktor Frankl managed it..... surely it can be done. 

I think back about my time in the trees with tigers and I couldn't manage to squeak out a calm breath with a well intentioned teacher sitting me down, giving books and instructing me.... so..... maybe there's something missing.... something else. 

I think the missing piece is a feeling of safety, even for a few minutes..... the tiger's claw has to be unstuck and one has to be able to crawl out of the tree or higher or something, (fig.) 

For those lacking support and protections..... maybe it's not an option.  Maybe there's a particular formula to these things.  I often think... what would have helped me through my trying times?  What would I have done differently?  Who would I have hired instead of the people I hired?  I think I'd need a law degree to figure out how to hold court officers accountable, if it's possible at all and that's not going to happen, so......

I know I'll be working on the boxes and will update and post a bit..... let you guys know if and when a bonfire ceremony is in the works.  I know it'll be big enough for everyone to feel and participate in the way they'd like: )

[escapingman]

hhaw, you have been one of my biggest inspirations and support throughout my process. I cannot thank you enough. I wish I could have followed your early advice, but I know why I didn't - I just couldn't as I wasn't enough u´´Out of the FOG.

I wish you all the best in life and with everything you take on. Please let us know when that fire will take place, I will be there with you!

[Poison Ivy]

I sometimes need to remind myself that some situations are (at least temporarily) uniformly terrible and there is no safety and things aren't and might never be "okay." I appreciate that your post has reminded me of this, hhaw.

[notrightinthehead]

Your post made me reflect back looking for the point in time when I switched from trying to fix "this" to trying to fix me.  I realized I was drowning and I had to learn to swim. I honestly believe that nobody can help anybody to reach that point faster. We all have to do it in our own time.
Love the idea of doing a cleansing ritual with the bonfire. I have done that and cried while doing it. Tears of sadness and liberation.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

What a good idea, hhaw, sharing the broad strokes of where you've been and where you are, from a birds eye view.  No longer hanging by a claw.  I can relate to that.  It gives me a feeling of relief and good fortune to read it in your post.  I do have my ongoing struggles.  But there's a freedom I didn't have before that really changes the ground of everything.  I'm no longer FOGged out of my choices in life.

My silly version of the bonfire -- .Two years after going NC with my ex I still hung onto a shirt and pair of boxers (they were laundered    ) he'd left behind.  If that was all I could have of him and the destroyed dream, I'd at least have that.  (cue violins)   I came across them one day and they had no meaning, so I tossed them.  I'm not romanticizing the memory of him and the honeymoon periods anymore.  It took many years to get there, both before and after going NC.  But I stayed the course and it finally happened.  You're right, hhaw, that it's something to  celebrate.

[SonofThunder]

+1 to all the comments so far.  Im with EM regarding the virtual support and cheering section around your bonfire.

SoT

[hhaw]

hhaw, you have been one of my biggest inspirations and support throughout my process. I cannot thank you enough. I wish I could have followed your early advice, but I know why I didn't - I just couldn't as I wasn't enough u´´Out of the FOG.

I wish you all the best in life and with everything you take on. Please let us know when that fire will take place, I will be there with you!

Hi, EM:

You did what any of us can do.... your best.  That's a good thing and something to lean into and KNOW about yourself....you will always do your best, bc that's who you are and what you do.  Dropping worry worry worry patterns won't cost you anything but more joy and we can all do with more of that.  Doing what you can,t hen putting the story on the shelf should be a coping strategy taught in schools, at every level, IME. I was just talking to my T about that today, in fact.

My expectations, as I've written to you, were more about my own process and healing...what I WISH Icould have done,but couldn't, bc I didn't understand what I was up against and much of my identity was wrapped up in helping/healing and sheer codependency, likely trained into my brain between the ages of 1 and 3yo.  I wanted to he helpful to you and wish I could dropped expctations 100%.  I kept picking it back up!  I'm feeling better now: )

You're on your way to noticing what and why you do what you do...... and changing what doesn't fit any longer.  Becoming aware of thoughts and feelings is how mindfulness works.... you aren't your thoughts or feelings.  Your'e the observer and a very kind, smart father who'll model this for his daughters, IMO.

I'm amazed at the speed you moved through the legals..... and amazed at your strength.

[hhaw]

I sometimes need to remind myself that some situations are (at least temporarily) uniformly terrible and there is no safety and things aren't and might never be "okay." I appreciate that your post has reminded me of this, hhaw.

PI:

Once I learned to accept the worst situations, as they are, things got much better bc my brain came back online.  I could see solutions and not JUST the down side, the trauma, the unfairness and lack of justice, which is devastating, particularly when children are being crushed by the legal system and the PDs,  IME. 

The phrase "even if it's not OK, it's OK" has been a mantra through the years.  I think it's finally sunk in!

[hhaw]

Your post made me reflect back looking for the point in time when I switched from trying to fix "this" to trying to fix me.  I realized I was drowning and I had to learn to swim. I honestly believe that nobody can help anybody to reach that point faster. We all have to do it in our own time.
Love the idea of doing a cleansing ritual with the bonfire. I have done that and cried while doing it. Tears of sadness and liberation.

nrith: 

I remember the crushing frustration of being in my own way without understanding HOW.  I think you summd it up succinctly.

The healing comes from within.  Never from outside ourselves.

[hhaw]

What a good idea, hhaw, sharing the broad strokes of where you've been and where you are, from a birds eye view.  No longer hanging by a claw.  I can relate to that.  It gives me a feeling of relief and good fortune to read it in your post.  I do have my ongoing struggles.  But there's a freedom I didn't have before that really changes the ground of everything.  I'm no longer FOGged out of my choices in life.

My silly version of the bonfire -- .Two years after going NC with my ex I still hung onto a shirt and pair of boxers (they were laundered    ) he'd left behind.  If that was all I could have of him and the destroyed dream, I'd at least have that.  (cue violins)   I came across them one day and they had no meaning, so I tossed them.  I'm not romanticizing the memory of him and the honeymoon periods anymore.  It took many years to get there, both before and after going NC.  But I stayed the course and it finally happened.  You're right, hhaw, that it's something to  celebrate.

LTBF:
You wrote:
"......no longer FOGged out of my choices...."
Yup yup yup.  My T has a lovely saying....
"The fruits and flowers of mindfulness practice."

So much to look forward to when the FOG clears and we're released from our trance. 

[hhaw]

+1 to all the comments so far.  Im with EM regarding the virtual support and cheering section around your bonfire.

SoT

Will be happy for the support, SoT. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hello Hhaw. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I hesitated before replying since it seems you have already received great replies and I cannot add much. 

What really rings true to me is when you say "it's not easy, maybe it's impossible, to help someone stuck climbing a tree with the weight of a tiger hanging by a claw in one's heel....".  I get that. Have had that tiger hanging on me for so long. I did come to eventually identify it with feeling a lack of safety.
   
Lack of safety. It is a hard concept to explain. I am not sure I interpreted this the same way you perhaps meant it. However, the aspect of safety just strikes a familiar chord. I have felt so utterly alone against a firestorm at times, even though people were physically near. Nobody helped. I think I realized what was missing was something inside myself. It is something no one else can give me. 

Thanks for posting. Sending my support.   

[losingmyself]

HHaw, you have been so much help to me in my journey, and I read your replies to me and others often. I'm sorry for the injustice that you've been going through, and I hope you come out the other side with what you deserve.
You are a beautiful person, inside and out, and you add so much to so many people's lives.  Never forget that, you have VALUE.
I thank God that you were there, telling me and others who have been struggling to BREATHE.  You bring calm and center us when we're spiraling maybe into a dark place, and I pray that you can do that for yourself.
I will be thinking of your words, taking your advice in the next couple days.
Much love to you, my friend.

[hhaw]

Blueberry:

You're right.... safety has to come from inside ourselves..... that's difficult to explain and understand or internalize and practice.     I'm 60yo and amazed I'm still learning to understand what I wish I'd understood my entire life. 

If schools taught self reflection, healthy boundaries and mindfulness at ever level, wouldn't that have been something, Bluberry? 

losingmyself:

In my darkest days, I depended on the experience of more senior posters for advice to keep me sane or bring me back from the edge, many times.  I've taken their filters into courtrooms and settlement conferences.... I wish I'd managed it more often than I did, truthfully.   To see with eyes unclouded by fear was a true gift. 

It's an honor to lend my voice and experience to your situation and others on this forum.  Im praying for the best possible out come for you, dear losingmyself.  You're choices seem very wise and measured to me.  Remember, your feelings aren't who you are.  They are passing clouds and storms.... you are the blue sky, always there, consistent and doing your very best, bc that's who you are. 

It's OK to put yourself first..... it's OK to withdrawl and separate yourself, while holding boundaries of iron without hesitation, as you appear to be doing.  Self care will feel less alien as you build those pathways and practice, I promise.  Lean into the help of friends and loved ones and trust all will be well.

Whatever your stbx is doing is his to sort out and he will.  Sooner if you remain NC and leave him to it, IME.  You've done your time and a new phase of life begins...... let your horizons expand......dream big crazy dreams, as big as you can.  Try to imaging giving all your energy and time to yourelf..... taking back your power is possible and good and some might argue a moral imperative and responsibility to yourself.

  Feelings aren't who you are... they're passing clouds.... passing storms.  You are the blue sky... always there, trusthworthy, consistent and true.  Trust yourself.  Trust you're grown and capable of protecting yourself.

The old scripts and unconscious beliefs can drop away if you notice them first.  Noticing without judgment (ANY) is helpful.
Dropping expectations in favor or embracing curiosity helps.  Extending tsunamis of self compassion to yourself will change your brain more quickly.... move you through to what comes next with economy of motion.  Accepting what can't be changed is the first step toward serenity and joy, IME.  Radical, all encompassing acceptance, even of those things we thought we'd never be able to accept.... acceptance.  So big and real and important,  losingmyself.

You've raised your children.  It's OK to turn toward your inner world and be as brave as you've ever been, for  yourself.

I wish you and everyone on the board the best possible outcome, but keep in mind... sometimes the things we think are "bad" turn out to be the necessary pieces falling before the very best of things happen, IME.

Drop judgment
embrace self compassion
drop expectation
embrace radical acceptance and keep breathing. 

I'm so proud of you!

[losingmyself]

Just this for you....
thank you

[bloomie]

HHaw - you are an integral part of the voice of Out of the FOG. Your advocacy and passion to lift others up, give them new ways to see and think about their circumstances, practical help, sharing everything with compassion and wisdom.

I see you!
I appreciate you!
I have learned from you!
I honor you for all you have done for all of us!

And I will be right there for the bonfire celebrating with you!

[hhaw]

((bloomie.))

I appreciate your service on the board.  When I see you posting, I know board members are getting solid, sane insights.

Thank you for the fellowship of this forum, and all the work it takes to  support it.

I see you too.


hhaw
ps will be so happy to have you at the bonfire.
::nodding::..

HHaw - you are an integral part of the voice of Out of the FOG. Your advocacy and passion to lift others up, give them new ways to see and think about their circumstances, practical help, sharing everything with compassion and wisdom.

I see you!
I appreciate you!
I have learned from you!
I honor you for all you have done for all of us!

And I will be right there for the bonfire celebrating with you!