Thoughts 9 months post divorce

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

First, 9 months out and it still feels great.

Looking back, I can thank his supply for being able to move forward with the divorce.  And, surprise - the relationship is ended.  Of course, my ex describes how crazy she is and a liar, etc...  I guess he was perfect for her too.   

Recently, I was able to review texts between my 18 year old son and my ex.  WOW.  I wasn't surprised but it did hurt - a lot.  Their banter was like between two 12 year old boys.  My son lives with me all the time.  Anyhow, I could easily see how my ex is manipulating my son.  He lures him in then avoids any responsibility or fulfilling any promises...then starts the process all over again.  He hooks him in, then lets him go.  So sad.  I was able to see how what I thought was good parenting...not great, just good....wasn't good enough.  The slightest negative thing I said about his dad, my son blew up a million times.  I added to his stress - I did make changes over the past months, so I was improving and reflecting.  These texts gave me the power to be an even better parent.

Navigating an exPD is a lot easier with no emotional attachment.  Lately, I have been able to make him feel like he is in control, the boss, the one with all the knowledge, and it's working.  It's exhausting though - and I don't see that I'll have to keep this up for years.  My son just needs to get better adjusted and find his own way -which has been tough lately.  Also, when my ex starts getting all angry and lecturing me, I just listen and stay real calm.  I absolutely could not do that when married or during the divorce.  It is getting easier.  Although my ex is very unpredictable, his need for control and admiration is very predictable, so I play on that.

It's amazing how much he lies - or leaves out the truth.  Everything is an exaggeration.  No wonder I was so unsettled for years - I just could never figure things out.  Now, I find it amusing.  For example, he told me a few days ago a bunch of baseball fathers are taking him out to dinner for his birthday.  Nope - it was one baseball father.  His need to make everything sound so great all the time is intense - pretty sad for him.

So, right now I'm in my apartment, good job, money in the bank, retirement growing, new car, new golf clubs,...pretty good.

He sold some property so he's got a nice pile of cash, but not enough to buy any kind of home, no real job, an expensive truck that cost a lot to drive, and he lives in a motel.   And, a pretty scary one.

I'm at a place where I feel pretty apathetic towards him - maybe he'll turn it around and find some peace, maybe not.  I just know that I'm working on myself and trying to be a good mom

[Poison Ivy]

Thanks for the update. I'm impressed by how you're doing and feeling.

[SonofThunder]

Thanks for the update. I'm impressed by how you're doing and feeling.

+1

SoT

[clarityneeded]

This is powerful.

[pushit]

Much respect!  Your post contains a lot of wisdom, I'm 4 years out and I wish I could say I was that wise at 9 months.     Just wanted to chime in and say that you are obviously going to be fine, I don't think you needed to hear that from me though.  Life can be beautiful again once you see it and recognize it for what it is.  Cheers to you!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

After another ridiculous exchange with my ex, I was thinking why is he still lying to me?  What's the motivation? But again, nothing is really about me - it's about him.....

I came to the conclusion that it's more about his own narrative in regards to his life - if he says all these things, then they either are true or will be true, and he's just painting a picture.  It doesn't really matter that he's talking to me - he could be talking to anyone.  He's going to paint this picture and that's it - that's his truth.  He might have to re-paint, touch up as he goes along....that's why he lies and will continue to do so.

[escapingman]

The liberation of when you really get it that it has NOTHING to do with yourself is when you set yourself free. Well done.

[StartingHealing]

Well Done!   

like the situation you described, in mine the stbx PD is starring in and directing her own movie for her own purposes.  Has nothing to do with me at all.   Saddening in a way, but oh how sweet the relief knowing that it's not me?  Priceless.