This is really getting to me.

[haribo_milchbaren]

Hi all,

I know I dropped off the radar for awhile. Actually things were improving for me and due to the restraining order (still in place) and almost 0 movement on the divorce (though absolutely frustrating), even though I've been completely in limbo, I was able to regain some sense of peace? normalcy? I don't know, not really either, but not living in panic and survival mode for the most part.

Fast forward to now. I am living at my non-PD pd parent's house with step-relatives - complicated, step parents live elsewhere. I discovered two of my step relatives are emotionally volatile and have been verbally abusive with me. My therapist even says the one I live with is displaying borderline symptoms. I am back to walking on eggshells. Thankfully the step parent who is the most volatile does not live with me, and the one I do live with I have only had one run-in with. But, it was enough to start spiralling again when the step parent was visiting.

As for the divorce, I am now out more money than what other people have told me their entire divorce cost, I have already been to court three times, and not even at the point where a settlement is even in sight. STBX's lawyer has used each opportunity to drag me through the mud. My lawyer apologized to me last time that I had to hear so many lies and exaggerations about myself, and this time she told me that she has never heard an attorney lie so much to a judge before. And STBX's lawyer was very convincing I suppose - the judge seemed very sympathetic to him and annoyed with my lawyer.

Thank god at least there is movement on our shared home - we co own, but I haven't been living there since last year, and yet continue to pay all expenses, including the mortgage. STBX is negotiating buying me out, and if that doesn't work out then we will put the home up for sale. At least that is what is supposed to happen.

But, STBX's lawyer is obsessed with the idea that I am hiding money because the way I am compensated may be construed as making more money than I actually do - I have provided extensive documentation about all my finances including my compensation scheme, but apparently that doesn't matter. And so, I will be cross-examined by STBX's lawyer, where I will need to have my lawyer present and of course pay her for her time. It is absolutely infuriating and a total waste of time. And also, STBX's lawyer is insisting on getting my medical records, including from the time I was in the hospital (mental health). The judge will rule tomorrow on whether this is necessary but I also feel this is another attempt to discredit me, and I'm not even sure to what end. I saw this in my parents' divorce where my PD parent claimed my non-PD parent was insane, told everyone they could about it, and used it in court in their favour.

I am just feeling so low right now. I know now that I enabled bad behaviour and have my own trauma triggers that I had not worked through (and am currently working on). I feel like I just wasted 9 prime years of my life, and even more because I just didn't respect myself. Not to mention I am second guessing myself about my choice in lawyer - how can a divorce possibly be this expensive? But I have been generally very happy with my lawyer - and from what I can tell anyway it is STBX's lawyer that has been blocking everything at every turn... and yet I still second guess and wonder if I got a different lawyer would they be able to collaborate? Would it have gone faster? Would I have spent less? And in turn, just beating myself up for being so trash with finances (something STBX's lawyer has been trying to demonstrate every time we go to court, and... an extremely sensitive subject for me. I am also in the process of getting assessed for ADHD - and budgeting/finances is something I struggle with a ton), and wondering again if I was just so mentally ill as STBX claims and was not appreciating him. I know it does me no favours to go over this again - I am acutely aware of this. And actually I really wasn't obsessing over it until after going to court again.

I'm not even sure if I have any questions for you all. I just need some comfort right now.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry! Sending you a big hug.
Please find some real life emotional support in addition to your legal support. I have found 12 step meetings, CoDA or ALANON very helpful. Also try meditation or some vigorous exercise, whatever works better for you. I needed both when I was in the final stages of my marriage. Hopefully your partner will find another supply soon, that will take some of the heat off you.

[haribo_milchbaren]

Thanks notrightinthehead. I actually (until this past week when I have been pretty ill and not able to make it to the gym, ughhhhhh) have found very vigorous exercise to be really helpful. I have been thinking of joining some kind of support group. I do go to therapy already but I feel like I could use some support from people who have gone through similar situations. Can you still join the support groups you mention even if substances were not involved? I've heard that you can learn a lot of useful things there.

As for supply...I usually hear people talking about this when it relates to a romantic relationship. This is highly unlikely to happen, but maybe I can hope for some other kind of supply?

[notrightinthehead]

Not all people who struggle with co-dependency have substance abuse in their life, so yes, there are definitely groups out there for you. In my town there is a self help group for people going through a divorce.
It's about the dark times, when you feel you can't go on. You can't do it. The company of others can be so strengthening.

[haribo_milchbaren]

Ah yes, I didn't realize CoDA wasn't specific to substance use. I was actually wondering though if people who don't have substances in their lives are generally welcome at 12 step meetings or AlAnon, though. The local AlAnon meeting would be most convenient for me to get to. I will do a little digging and see if there is a local support group for divorce.