FOG, but also C, for Convenience ?

[feralcat]

My siblings , and unPdM's sisters also, seem to be becoming more and more codependent. To some degree or other.
They don't seem to be able generally to make meaningful relationships outside of FOO.
There are mentions of manipulation ( unPdM) and also of enmeshment. But no one goes beyond that.

I find it all very sad. They're not willing (or able ?) to make new friendships or relationships, but instead complain about each other and criticise / blame others for their lives. Everything is a potential source of gossip. The circle is becoming increasingly smaller as people die. I'm not talking about young people here.

My withdrawing hasn't had much effect. I was never one of the In Crowd. I think the recent withdrawal of youngest GC sis might be more significant.

I speak of FOG plus C ( must be a better term) because the more aware FOO are definitely CHOOSING to stay within the fold. And I can only think it's down to the advantages of doing so. The positive side , rather than the scariness of acknowledging FOG, if indeed they feel those. Financial help, support on tap, 'belonging'. As opposed to the disadvantages re staying away. No instant contact point ("the family"), no one to ask for money (unPdM) , having to 'put yourself out there'. The destinct possibility as they age of being seen as different.

What do other people think ?

[samia]

It's so amazing you posted this, because I just spoke about these things with my sibling today!

When still stuck deep in it, yes, I agree that convenience is a real beneficial factor. The FOG world is socially small and has "easy" rules to follow. As long as one keeps their head down and yields to the ones with significant power, it's "manageable". And if it's all you know, yeah, you could live for years like that. An awful way to live, for sure.

[notrightinthehead]

Normal social interaction is different from that in PD land. Looking back at the times when I ventured out- I behaved awkwardly. Either too friendly, expected too much too quickly, too easily offended,  or in other ways inappropriately. It's hard to learn the rules of normal interaction and I was unfortunate enough, not to find a well-meaning friend to guide me.
So yes, it's convenient to remain in a system where you know the rules. How wonderful for you feralcat that you were brave enough to venture out and stay out.

[feralcat]

Thanks for your replies ! I wasn't sure whether people thought that maybe 'convenience' was a somewhat inappropriate term for the phenomenum. I suppose I'm thinking in terms of relationships as transactional. But transactions that become strangulating and blinkering.

Not Right - I'm LC generally at the moment. My unPdM is 89. She is the spider in the middle of the web. Other family members, for various reasons including dollops of money, rotate as the GC. They in turn train their own children to be the next generation of 'carers/ team leaders' etc. When acting as a GC, those people are suitably rewarded and feel appreciated. Other family members are organised and don't have to bother. As Samia says.

I was always the Invisible Child. The eldest as well. It felt abnormally normal to be ignored, both when a child, and to date. So I'm in a position to be the pleasant Outsider, watching, maintaining my newly achieved boundaries, going home.
In turn my son, and his family, are not visited etc. Luckily they're not bothered. As my FOO age their oddness increases , so they're not majorly appealing.
So I visit sometimes. Talk ( listen) to my unPdM as often as I can stand the rampant ramblings about herself and her favourites. It won't be forever. Just feels like it !

It's just all so sad. I certainly don't think I've got it sorted. Looking back, I can see that both of my husbands come from similar families, and I've been sucked into friendships that themselves have a similar dynamic , as Not Right describes so well. ( which makes me wary) . But at least I think I can now SEE that aspect, and I'm not going to allow fear of  the unknown to stop me trying to at least try to get through that glass ceiling . Can't take that easy route,  Samia . One toe in the water, one small step for womankind.